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My newest video; an example of a narcissistic father and a narcissistic person in general: http://vimeo.com/selfarcheology/father

I will be 23 next month, and I called into "The Bad Philosophy Show" - FDR 2634, and was the last caller (starts at 2:19:35). Since I called into the show I have found a job - unfortunately only part-time, but I still live with my abusive and neglectful father who I hate and have murderous wishes towards. The focus of my therapy since I called into the Sunday Show has been on taking steps to get me out of this miserable hellhole and I've taken the first big step in getting the first job, but am feeling MASSIVE anxiety surrounding the next step which is actually physically leaving. My therapist brought up that I could find a room-share and still have enough to save a small amount each month, and that I could sleep under a bridge somewhere, as the summer nights here are very warm. I am trying to work out a situation where I sleep in a tent in friend's yard in exchange for rent but it's likely not going to happen because he has roommates. I also have the potential to get a second job as my shift is always the same at my current job. I do a trade-out at my local gym (work for membership) so I have access to a shower, shaving cream, and soap and all that. So I'm not all too concerned with the practical matters of getting out, though if anyone has any creative ideas I haven't mentioned, that would also be useful. Mostly, I came here for some emotional support. I realize very clearly now that the reason I quit my job 2 years ago was that I was in an environment where I didn't have intense amounts of anxiety and pain to manage and that I was so heavily inflicted with both of those as a child that for to adapt to being in a peaceful and calm environment felt incredibly dangerous. My own normalization of what I went through made it feel as my safety and security could only be an illusion, and that if I let my guard down, something far worse would happen to me than the terrible things which made me that way in the first place. As I told my therapist, it doesn't feel like my brain is wired for feeling safe - it feels like I'm allergic to being safe, which is more or less a prerequisite for happiness. My struggles day-to-day mostly revolve around recognizing the "fear program" booting up in the moment, in situations which are not dangerous, and trying to manage my response in a way that doesn't make me look crazy. This is particularly bad at work because I work front counter at a fast food place where they expect you to be friendly with customers. I'm always exhausted after work, probably because of the mental gymnastics I have to go through every day dealing with other people who I don't know and being in a working environment where there is very little time to get to know my coworkers (every conversation gets interrupted by a customer). I'm more or less always exhausted anyways, and I know that my hyperactive fear response takes a physical toll on me because I have trouble moving around in a grounded way (a problem which Stef mentioned adults who had insecure bonds as children often have) and have problems with my joints when I exercise the way most people do (I have significant muscle imbalances and joint problems from a sedentary lifestyle). Every single day I catch myself breathing shallowly and have to remind myself to breathe deeply. This honestly probably happens hundreds of times every day, especially on a day when I have work. The fact that I also work at a high-paced job where there are very few gaps of free time makes this worse. I know why I breathe shallowly - it is a way of repressing my lifeforce and by extension my emotions - though knowing this does not make it any easier to stop. I used to distract myself from my constant state of hyperawareness by using it to make people laugh - acting crazy, making funny faces, doing impressions of people, and I was very good at it and made tons of "friends" from it. At some point, I was unable to continue this charade, and fell into depression which lasted 3+ years starting at the age of 15, and only gradually subsided since then. My therapist agrees that I have PTSD, and I have had several emotional flashbacks in the past month - one of which thankfully happened in his office. During these flashbacks, my lips, my forehead, and where the neck meets the skull go numb, and I cry and shake. The worst of these lasted for about 3 hours, and in each one I feel a strong urge to kill myself or other people - especially my parents and family who either stood by or participated in the destruction of my life. As I'm writing this, I'm almost in disbelief of what I'm writing. How could things have gotten this bad for me? How could everyone have let things get this bad? How could they have stood by or participated in turning me into robot programmed for fear? The answer to these questions is clearly that my parents and everyone around them was evil and/or narcissistic. This truth seems nearly impossible to accept emotionally. And of course, the most terrifying question to answer is the one my therapist asked me a few days ago: "Why aren't you using every last bit of energy to leave?" The more I realize how not normal the way I feel on a daily basis is, the more enraged I become, the closer I get to getting out of this terror. I need some people to talk to who understand or have been through similar situations. I feel that I'm on the brink of leaving this place, but I'm asking for more social support to help propel me out and KEEP me out. After all, Stef's title to my call was "Ambition is Social." My Skype name is Karahashianders and I would happy to talk with anyone who responds to this post as well.