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I am asking this because recently i had an apphipheny (spelling?) about my anger and reason why i have been so struggling with motivation, is because as kid and always i did good rational things for other sake. IN THE PAST, (especially childhood and teens): Why be good? Because others. Why be good? Rules. Why be rational? Because unhappiness otherwise and because its hurts OTHERS. So i find myself in almost ego-death'esque situation with my own beliefs about myself. Why should i do or be anything or anyone? Why simply not lie, be crazy, insane, and contradictionary? WHY does it really matter what i want? What’s the difference between my preferences and anyone else? Why shouldn’t i just take other peoples desire as my own? Yes, this is also about setting or not setting Rules for yourself. And also about the value of myself value if any of my preferences? Why should i prefer anything at all? And is this question itself contradiction on some level? Do i "prefer" truth over falsehood? I do or maybe i say i don’t. Maybe i say gibberish. Then what? Does it all come down to preference? And if so... why do i feel like that’s an arbitrary/subjective standard and thus meaningless or exactly the same as anyone else’s opinion or preference? I feel like my preferences do not have any value objectively. I prefer health? I prefer truth? I prefer to be moral and kind and good? Who cares about that? PS. Yeah... one could say that i sound and come off as bit of nihilistic... but that’s empty one feels when finally your shrugs off your FALSE reason to be X Y or Z. When false-self goes, when "respect" for parents complete evaporates. When values placed and forced in me by abusers vanish.