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A new article, where I answer a very common question: should I talk to my parents about my painful childhood experiences? Link: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/03/q-should-i-talk-to-my-parents-about-my.html

Last weekend I took a break from writing my book to record a few new videos. Here's one of them on universalizing the principle of non-abuse.

I made a new video. I really enjoyed creating this one and I'm proud of the result, as I find it to be both informative on the subject of childhood trauma and psychology and creatively fulfilling. It's an analysis of Scarecrow / Jonathan Crane, a character from the Batman universe. Here, we take a look at the character's origins and (d)evolution. We will see how he is a product of childhood trauma and the representation of the cycle of abuse. https://vimeo.com/selfarcheology/circleofabuse

Part two in the series I'm doing on the fear of rejection.

Sometimes I just have to scream back https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcGvN0iBA5s Post what you find. ---------------------------------- The worst one I've ever seen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Evrj6Zriu5A Men, please save the world and stop screwing crazy bitches.

What do you all think about this video? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVDNNoEk4PI What do you think would be a good way to handle a situation like this? I guess keeping the paint out of reach in the first place would have been a good start, and maybe discussing beforehand that everything in that cabinet is off-limits and why.

My newest video on how people become unmotivated and unaware of their true feelings and interests.

The second interview with Daniel Mackler. Here, we talk about the topic of relationships: one's template for relationships, friendship, romantic relationship, sex, boundaries, parent-child relationship, and much more!

I have a couple of book recommendations The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce Perry Perry is a child psychiatrist who specializes in early childhood trauma. In the book, he discusses many of his former patients who had suffered through terrible abuse and/or neglect and children, and its lasting effects. He goes into great detail about the effects of abuse on brain development. He also tells of his attempts to heal the victims. I had read this book long before discovering Stefan's material, and because of it, I was already on board with everything that Stefan has to say about parenting. Perry had already convinced me that children are not resilient, like so many like to claim, and that most people's adulthood issues stem from early childhood trauma. He made me realize that parents, who seem like great parents to the outside viewer, can do irreparable harm to their children without anyone realizing it. When the child then grows up to suffer from depression, drug addiction or personality disorders, or winds up hurting other people, so many people either think it happened in a vacuum or that the parents didn't spank the child enough. Nurtureshock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman The authors discuss the many mistaken notions that we have about about parenting and how the science disagrees. For example, many people think it's a good thing to praise their child's intelligence in order to encourage them academically. In actuality, this tends to discourage further learning. The reason for this is that when a child is called smart, they don't want to take the risk that they will be thought of as otherwise. So they'll tend to do activities that are easier and they'll shy away from doing things that can't master immediately. Instead, the parent should praise the child's hard work, focus or concentration. The child has to learn that they can accomplish things with hard work. Anyway, I thought you all might like to look into these. If any of you have read them, I'd like to hear your opinions.

I have problems with assertiveness. That includes when other people around me express assertiveness, and when I wish to be assertive. I spoke about this just now with another FDR-member. We had talked for a while, when he said that while he really enjoyed our conversation, he had to go and get some sleep. This evoked a feeling of sadness and guilt on my part. I felt as if I had done something wrong in the interaction, that I had been inconsiderate. We took some time to talk about my experience, and turns out, suprise suprise, he said it had nothing to do with our conversation. If he could, he would have loved for it to keep going. It's just he had to get some sleep. What I could gather from thinking about it and talking with my friend, is that before, other peoples needs have been negative to me. Especially with my mom. That she used to express, both implicitly and explicitly, that I was bothersome to her. That my existence was interfering with her needs. What is a dependant child supposed to do in such a situation? Why, the logical course of action, is to reject yourself, by becoming critical of yourself and learning to please your parent, and in the end, please others. A people-pleaser. This is one side of the ''assertive-coin'' relating to me. The other side of it, is to express needs of my own. I find it very difficult to express my needs. I will say yes to things, even though I want to say no. And if I have a need, I will most likely no bring it up, having a voice telling me ''You will bother that person if you do that! They'll get annoyed with you! You do not have any value to offer! Your needs are inferior to other people's needs''. And I bend to that critical voice, staying quiet when I have a need. It ties in with what I wrote above about my mother. Not only did I have to make sure I did not interfer with her needs, I also had to supress my own needs because they annoyed her. The guy I talked to has similar problems. So we decided that we are going to work on getting more assertive with our needs, and deal with our feelings arising around the assertiveness of eachother. Are there other people here who have experienced/experiences similar relationships with assertiveness? I'd love to hear other people's perspectives, as always

Hi everyone, thank you for stopping in. I'm in a desperate situation, even more so than the last year or two. As I have been learning from Stef and the community here and I have been trying to put the principals into action in my life by trying to get myself away from abusive people. In an attempt to do this I have moved a total of 7 times in the last 2 years. I have been jobless half that time due to poor choices of work environments and what I believe to be severe depression. Most recently I moved in with my father which has proved to be the most damaging for me. Putting it mildly, he is a tyrant. He is almost a clone of a mobster you see in Hollywood movies. I mean, he bullies, can't listen, name calls, escalates fast, and recently has been psychically abusive to me. It started with me defending a roommate that lives with him. He was yelling and cussing at him for not getting him cigarettes while he was out. The reason why his roommate takes this abuse is because my father lets him stay for free and feeds him. Thats the same reason why my mother and myself live with him too. I calmly tried to stop his abuse and then he turned to me by screaming in my face and repeatedly pushing me with his hands and chest. I in turn escalated verbally by telling him what he was, a abusive piece of trash along with other things. After us going back and forth yelling he got in my face again and thrust the bottom of his palm into my cheek so hard my head was thrown back. He then screams that I pushed him in which did not happen. My mom pulled him away from me by his shirt while me and my girlfriend called the police. The cops arrived and got everyones story. I tried to press charges against him but, the cops said that they would have to arrest me as well since he said I pushed him first. Even though I have 2 others that witnessed the whole thing. I would then either have to bond out or sit a few days in jail. After that they would have a judge determine each of our fates. I declined doing that mostly because, I had work in the morning. At the end of the night the cops convinced him to let me use his vehicle for the time being so that we can separate for the night. After work the next day and after going -50.00 on my card for a hotel room me and my mother talked on the phone and she said that my father wanted the vehicle back to put it in a repair shop and that I can come back to stay. Also that he was giving me the vehicle and I just have to pay the 300 for the title transfer. I said that I am seriously thinking of going into a homeless shelter instead and walking the 3 hours to and from work. She began saying that I'm causing her so much stress and to please come to the house. needless to say I was extremely hurt that she was still with my dad in the first place and that she was blaming me for her stress. I decided to go back to my father house very grudgingly so that I can get the vehicle back and use the Internet to find another place to live through charities and the like. Ive been here 2 weeks and after talking to many places I have very few options of moving out anytime soon. It'll be at least another month or two to save up for a deposit and first months rent between the both of us. Salvation army said that they might help if I pay off the deposit and have proof that I am moving because of an emergency. It's frustrating that I am the one to suffer far more. I had to bring in the police report to excuse my absence at work. I had to ask my banker to take off charges for overdrawing and explain what happened. I had to research and call these charities that are completely indifferent to my situation and who try to rush me off the phone as soon as they can. I had to use mostly my resources to meet up with landlords and tour apartments. Ive noticed that when I'm at work talking to guest that remind me of my father I sometimes get very upset even though they aren't being abusive, just simply mannerisms like him and I can feel myself tense up. Hearing his voice and walking past him I feel enraged and disgusted. He got to hit me in the face and all he had to do was give away a truck that's worth a few thousand. My therapy alone will cost more. The list goes on and on. I live near Chicago, IL and If anyone can help me with food, money, gas, or shelter. It would be so greatly appreciated. I would also pay the debt back with money, time, ect. I'm open to ideas. Thank you very much for taking the time to read, Alex

Basically, I am living with my father, he is abusive, I am 16, and I feel it is time to leave and stand up. I lost my mom at age of 10, so she is not around. I feel like my only option is to try to sue my father for child support, which is not really what I want to do because its using the state, and so on. But in the past he would hit me, I pushed him once and he called the cops anyways. He also said I was a drug dealer and said he had some which he had taken away a few days ago. Anyways recently, yesterday, my dad hit me for the first time in a while and I am kind of fearful, anxious and not sure what to do. Can anyone please offer some advice? I put myself in foster care previously and it was basically prison (no going out past 9 or 10pm or theyll call the cops) and stuff to that effect. Long story short, according to laws, once I have turned 16 I cant even go into foster care anyways (the old case was closed). I dont see any or many options. But I feel I must leave. I also have no friends or family friends or family that I could stay at or really trust. Any advice would be deeply valued. Thanks Jake

New video in the series on self-esteem: the development of self-esteem. What is important to the development—or misdevelopment—of one's self-esteem and to one's mental health in general. It's probably the most important video in the series so far.

A quick new video on how and why do people become narcissistic.

I have been invited to a baby shower type event and I am hoping to bring much needed parenting resources to this particular woman. The situation: I met the soon-to-be mother about 18 months to 2 years ago through a friend she was dating at the time (not the father). She is a heroin addict that has abstained from use for the past 5 months. In the very beginning I provided her legal counsel/helped her navigate the court system, a decision I presently regret. I did this as a favor for my friend. She was facing possession and theft charges but was released from jail with 2 years probation after spending only 3 days there. Subsequent parole violations (5) have not resulted in any significant repercussions. This woman was raised in a highly dysfunctional family with an abusive mother and largely absent father. In addition to the heroin addiction there has been recurrent verbal and sexual abuse in her history. Aside from the probation/abstinence thing she has done little in the way of self-work, lives with her mother, and is employed as a coffee barista. She has had a string of failed romantic relationships, some with abusive/aggressive men. She finally decided that something was missing from her life... what you may ask? A BABY. So she went out and found "a nice guy" that would stick around to raise a child and proceeded to get pregnant. Now she is 3 months pregnant and planning on keeping the child. I feel largely responsible for making this a possibility for her by keeping her out of the court system. This does however put me in a unique position where the mother is open to hearing my advice and considers me an intelligent/wise authority. Although she is registered for particular gifts I would like to bring parenting resources that she will actually use instead. The parameters are that she is of moderate intelligence and is literate but has shown little capacity for self-knowledge. Resources directed toward parenting techniques I think would be most effective- i.e. do not hit your kids, do not scream at your kids, breast feed, be present in their lives, don't do heroin/other drugs, etc. Does anyone have particular suggestions?