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AAAAAND the topic didnt load prorperly! Using reply to psot my orignal post. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Hey everyone, i am here seeking therapy. I’ve been brought humbly down after making some seriously bad assumptions about my own mental clarity and also about how much i do need outside help from specifically therapist. Needless to say i was wrong and have paid the consequences as i struggle to gain employment and do what i finally love after procrastinating for so long. It’s very painful due to having not done such earlier, though i am 100% committed to accepting this pain. And fear too incidentally as I’ve found. This is me owning my inaction and inaction to acknowledge the painful truth of avoiding the humiliation and pain associated with getting job, earning your own money and success. [Currently working on and making 3d models public, studying CAD software, studying building (and construction) physics, researching copyright, contacting companies left right and center and networking]. What are your experiences with therapy and what are the best people/places to seek for? I don’t have lot of money atm, so can’t afford the highest askers, but i will not cheapshot this i can pay something and whatever i have that i can pay, i will. Thoughts? #IfyoudontlearnbyReason...

https://walksweek.wordpress.com/2016/11/07/watch-this-space/ A little citation of the PRO' vid. I found it rather interesting.

I'm pissed. I'm feeling something I haven't felt in a looong time. I'm really angry at my parents, and I'm happy that I'm this mad. I was listening to http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/766/maternal-suffocationand I just had this amazing awakening moment. I just felt all the rage from the listener towards his parents and it made me remind myself of all the rage I felt during my teens. I thought about suicide for a year. I counted every minute in school. I felt like shit for not studying stupid subjects. I was bullied. I was pressured by everyone to get a girlfriend. I felt like a big failure with no future. I was put in the worst school in the city under the pretext that it would teach me life. I felt my life threatened among kids whose parents have been in jail. There were cases of rape in the bathrooms. If a kid from 5th grade asked me for my money I had to give it to him even though I was 4 years older, because if I didn't and escalated, his family and friends would be waiting for me outside. I was put in this situation by the people who are supposed to take care of me. The people I should be able to trust. Writing this made me feel really sad and even angrier! All this inside a 16 year old mind, who had no one to share it with. I could never ever trust my parents with this. I would never share it with them. They made fun of me when I talked about this girl I liked when I was about 6. My parents and grandmother, at the table, laughing at me for liking this girl. Mocking me... BAH IM SO PISSED!! So with this all inside my mind I got super pissed at them but I repressed it... until now. All this time I've been trying to get work done and be productive only to find myself procrastinating. It was like my brain was saying "There are more important stuff for you to deal with!". And I ignored it and played videogames. And then I felt like shit because I was being really unproductive, so i go work and the cycle continues... Today I figured out what my feelings were trying to tell me. Why I couldn't work for more than 30 minutes without going back to videogames. Why I wasted over 7000 hours playing fucking video games!!!! I'm so fucking pissed I wasted ALL THAT TIME. I could be living alone far from this hellhole getting a good salary. I denied job offers because I would feel depressed when i thought of working. Maybe because I had all this rage built up inside of me! I repressed all that I felt towards my parents and didn't face it! I hid behind videogames to waste time purposefully! I probably thought that work would be videogames 2.0 to repress my feelings towards my parents, since at leaste while playing I can listen to podcasts and think about my life. I'm starting to feel less anger and it's probably because I'm disconnecting emotionally... I'm super scared of letting this general feeling go away, and go back to where I was. I am afraid of continuing to live a unproductive life, feeling inferior when other people ask me what i've been up to.. "Oh you know just played 100h of league of legends, what about you?" I'm feeling sad and scared now and stopped feeling anger. All this time growing up i've had little to none emotional support and useful life lessons. I've never trusted my parents advice (thank god) and was going in a really bad direction until I found FDR. Thank you Stef Mike and Stoyan for doing this. You are literally saving lives. Thank you so so much. I wanted to share this with all of you and if anyone can help me out I'd be very very grateful..

Hi everybody. I would greatly appreciate if someone could be able to locate this podcast for me. I believe I am looking for this conversation with a young man who just graduated from police academy or was enrolled in classes, but is very disconnected with his emotions and is unsure about his career choice. Stef said some truly impacting words: "I think you're looking for a plan of action when I'm talking about the resurrection of an emotion. Self is not plan, identity is not execution. The truth is not a road map. The world is round. Does that tell you where you want to go? No, it means that if you wanna go somewhere knowing that the world is round is probably a good idea to navigate by. But saying that the world is round doesn't tell you where you should go in the world. It just means that if you wanna go somewhere you'll actually be able to get there. Or even if you should go, or if it's important to you. It's just a fact. And the reason that you were humiliated repeatedly is that you were cut off from parental support. Bullying means you were cut off from parental support. I have never known a child who was bullied who was connected to a parent figure in a positive and loving matter. You see, what happens in the schoolyard has to happen in the crib first. Everything that follows is the shadow cast by parental indifference and alienation, and hostility and lack of bonding lack of connection. Everything that happens in love, in life, in society, in business, in schoolyard, in air planes, and in wars- All of that -is the shadow of people leaning over your crib, with warm words, soft breaths and smiles, or yelling in the next room or watching TV downstairs. You see children see who are connected to parents. -Who is connected to parents, who is connected to parents, who is connected to parents? Ah! See there! That kid? That kid? Lost in space, adrift, no connection, no support. Separated from the herd, caught off from connection caught off from support. BANG! We're gonna get him!- Because what do children fear? If children knew that your parents would go and talk to them or their parents they would go and pick on easier targets right? Or if they knew your parents were gonna go to the principal and have you record stuff on an iPad and play stuff back and play it back and cause a big stink and a big fuss, they wouldn't bother right? The bullies in the playground are an effect of the bullies at home. They can't possibly exist without parental indifference and alienation. And who is your mom to tell you what is a bad experience for you or not. Literally, that's like you getting a piece of cheese cake and you say" Damn this is a great cheese cake." Then I say, "No it's not. It's not great cheese cake for you. You're wrong." If you had a bad experience, you know what? You had a bad experience. If you were scared, know what? You were scared. Who the fuck am I to tell you what your experience is? I am too self interested to be objective about your experience."

Hello. I wanted to share this with the board, in the hopes of someone might have advice they could share with me. Be warned though, this could very likely be a very messy post, because my thoughts are all over the place. My situation today: I am in collage, studying at the moment two REALLY easy courses, which gives me in a sense, all the free-time in the world. This has been the case for a month now. My weeks have looked like this basically: Go to the gym 3-4 times a week, listen to pod-casts on FDR, work as a volunteer at my union's union-house as a chef's apprentice and as personal when there are night-clubs, go to parties with my friends, work within my fraternity, hang with my two closest friends in my dorm. However, the last week or so, I have noticed something that consumes enormous amounts of my time: Sitting in front of the computer, doing practically nothing. Basically pressing F5 while on facebook. And for the last few days, my mood has deteriorated. I have felt apathetic, powerless. Imprisoned within my own room, and I am my own guard. Or, my anxieties are my guards. Well, that's a hypothesis I have at least. Could be wrong of course. What I mean by that is, that I am running short on money. I am, for the first time in my life, approaching a situation where I MUST find myself a job to pay the rent and put food on my table. Problem is, I have extreme anxiety around the prospect of applying for a job. Essentially paralyzing me when I for example, try to write a resume. Today, just 20 minutes ago, I took out my camera, and recorded myself for 30 minutes straight (I used to do my journaling text, but now I am trying out video-journaling and I find it easier actually), just blurting out stuff. Stuff like ''Alright, I am really frustrated because I want something to do! But not just something to pass the time, but something I have a passion for! Something that I can devote almost all my time to, make a living out of, have as my life-goal! I want a purpose! I want meaning!'' My mind was racing at this point, I wasn't sitting down recording, but pacing about, starting to breathe like I had been running for 30 minutes as a not-so-fit-person (basically, I hadn't done anything physically that would make me breathe like that). I would stop talking during that time and start to sing instead, that I didn't know what to do with my life. I also noticed a few thoughts pop up in my mind, which did not make sense to me. Thoughts like ''Your life is over, it's to late to achieve anything, you had your chance but you passed it up!''. Even though, intellectually, I know that I still have time. I am only 21 years old, and I have passion! I have good health! But I don't know where to put all my potential! I don't know what to do with my life. Sigh. I am sorry if it is all over the place.

Greetings great fellows of self-knowledge and philosophy. I have recently joined the board of Freedomain Radio and have been chatting a few times in the chat room ever since. I have instructed people in the past to a better self-knowledge, yet that is something I have yet to obtain myself. Usually I like to be in the helping side so this is very non-habitual of me to ask anything in a forum (especially given these days of Google and Bing.) Stefanfan 101: I’m a worker in his twenties from Western Europe. I wish to begin studying my favorite pastime, philosophy, in the near future of life, since I’m interested in presentation, mind-boggling subjects and virtues. Start-up business like developing innovations is another thing close to my heart. However, the weight would ideally be on philosophy. I’m intelligent and athletic, but far from perfect. My childhood was rough with a violent family and poor conditions. I had nor have little to any power to say anything in home as the youngest – I think that has something to do with why I have a problem in taking independent action; however I’m a fast doer when someone commands to do something (though sometimes I panic a bit amid it.) The home’s quality was nothing to be proud of: it had a lot of mold that has cast awkward injuries to me, albeit frankly they’re not common – wet red eyes or a bleeding nose, both randomly and often during situations when I’d least want that. In my path to university-level philosophy there is one major obstacle, bad memory. Comprehension is not an issue, I can think that ”Aha, so that’s how you do it.” about something in the book, but a day after forget it altogether. Not always but all too often. Then in the exams, I’ll do poorly albeit I have read a lot for it. I have come to think if it’s because of lack of self-discipline, though it’s not that I would do any better if I prepared for it in a class instead. Actually, hours spent reading alone might be more effective for me, as long as I read as much as I’m supposed to. (Well, there's a lot to develop in that regard.) Stefan’s latest podcast about procrastination has been helpful to me and now I realize everything is more about dedication than anything. I still do have a problem of being late constantly – bills, meetings, personal plans – can’t deny that. Last, there is panicking. It doesn't happen daily either, gratefully, and it can also be beneficial sometimes: but e.g. when my angry boss tells to do this or that (we have a hectic environment), I might sometimes panic so that instead of doing a lot I do nothing at all, i.e. I take a small break albeit we’re in a hectic situation. Well it’s not just that. Better example: if an authority like a teacher used to ask me a tight question while I was with a couple of my friends spending a recess in school, I would just blush and be very submissive. That would be humiliating for my friends too and sometimes a great laugh. It was all too common. Albeit I can be nervous, I'm one of the most patient people I've ever met. Perhaps though, if I procrastinated less, I would also panic less. My primary question would be – how can I become a great student? The two other issues come after that. I'd like to read your thoughts on this, as I can't analyze these objectively. Much appreciated

wish I had the recording of the conversation this is a follow up to. I'll do my best to keep in mind that I'm working towards creating content for the internet now. Feedback is always appreciated.