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I think I just had a revelation just now, one dealing with knowing myself. I live in a dorm, and it seems this evening one of the other people in my dorm had brought some people over. And I could hear two of them talk. And when one in particular talked, something happened. I was filled with dread. Like, extreme fear filled my soul. God, it was so horrible. I was really terrified. And then it hit me. I recognize this. I have felt this before. It was a long time ago, but I have had this happen before on several occasions. This dread, this hellish fear that filled me, used to erupt when I saw people that bullied me when I was in elementary school. What is interesting, is that while I had this fear (have still), everything. EVERYTHING in my life, just feel so much harder. So frightening. When I know, on an intellectual level, that their not. Almost like the fear kind of spread to other parts of my psyche? I got so frightened. After a few minutes, something else came up: Anger. Intense hate. I just wanted him, and all others like him, dead. Just all dead. I didn't care how, just as long they were killed. After that anger and rage, I realized that I was familiar with that intense fear. And actually, now that I am writing this, I remember something else: That rage I felt. That intense hate. I felt that too, those years when I was bullied. It's really dark, that hate. It's very violent (mentally), very detailed. And honestly, they feel really good. Sadistically good. Anyways, the revelation: I have a hypothesis. All my years of being bullied (all of elementary, 9 years), I have sort of developed a hyper-sensitive ''radar'' for detecting people with bullying tendencies. Something else I realized, with the help of chatting with a friend just now: I have made some efforts to not think, and remember about my bullies. About how badly they treated me, how the humiliated me and threatened me. And now, when I am starting to do some true-self excavating, I think it could serve me to dredge up those memories, and study them. Because, maybe by turning away from that completely, I am missing vital information that could help me in my healing process. This was perhaps 30 minutes ago, and I can still feel the shock-waves inside me. God. it was so terrible. But I am really excited about this revelation, and my hypothesis, if it is correct. And, if it is not, what can be learned from this? Exciting. Excitement in the aftershock of intense fear. Its interesting I think. I can't express how good it felt to get this out of my system. I just thought and felt something. I love this forum. I love this community. I love the kind, honest, gentle, sympathetic in this part of the Internet. Just started chatting on the chat a few days ago, and I love the open, thought-provoking conversations there. Yes. You guys are great.

Hello people! I had a personal revelation a few days ago that I wanted to share with the board. Approximately 1 year ago I experienced quite a depression. My weeks would be characterized by extremes. One day I'd be really happy, and the next I'd be in extremely depressed with myself. I could actually predict when I'd get my downs, most of the time down to the day, with a few days head start. Anyway, at this time of my life, I would be drawn to certain fantasies. These would show up in my head during my depressed days. And I remember that they were really alluring, but I tried not to let myself lose myself in them, because they felt scary and uncomfortable. But, at the same time, they'd feel very good, in a bittersweet kind of way I guess (hence why I had to struggle to not go along with them)? Now, I haven't felt the urge to seek out these fantasies for a very long time. But, for whatever reason, a few days ago, I felt one of these fantasies knocking on my door. That's when I realized that I had had these kind of fantasies before (I had forgotten about them), and that perhaps they had some insight that I could benefit from. Alas, I have only (I think at least) managed to figure out the common theme in these fantasies, but not much else. But still, I feel that this is an important discovery for me. I thought I'd share the fantasies I had. So, the two most recurring types (and most detailed) of scenarios that I would indulge in where: 1: For some reason, people around me think I am mentally ill. I am dragged away to a mental hospital. I know that I am not ill, and fight all the way there. But, when I get there, the staff there injects me with different kinds of drugs to keep me in an almost coma-like state. I am physically imprisoned in the hospital, and mentally through the drugs the give me, for a long time, perhaps a few years. However, for some reason (inaccurate diagnosis or something), the staff realize they have made a mistake and I am released. But it's to late, all the drugs I were given have made me unstable, angry and emotionally distant. The rest of the fantasy, the shortest part of it, is about how I am nurtured back to mental health with great patience and empathy, often by a girl(friend?). 2: I have a girlfriend. In some way or another, someone vicious from my teenage years (a nasty verbal bully), manages to convince my girlfriend that I have cheated on her. This fantasy is a bit harder for me to remember completely, but it ends up with me being beaten down by some people that are friends with my girlfriend. Later on, she realizes that I hadn't cheated on her, and she tries to come into contact with me again. But I refuse to see her, because I am think I could be beaten down again. Now, I think I understand the theme of these fantasies. And that is that I am right, but doubted by others. This results in me getting hurt, leaving scars on me forever. Has anybody else experienced something similar to this? If so, were you able to learn something from it?