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I have problems with assertiveness. That includes when other people around me express assertiveness, and when I wish to be assertive. I spoke about this just now with another FDR-member. We had talked for a while, when he said that while he really enjoyed our conversation, he had to go and get some sleep. This evoked a feeling of sadness and guilt on my part. I felt as if I had done something wrong in the interaction, that I had been inconsiderate. We took some time to talk about my experience, and turns out, suprise suprise, he said it had nothing to do with our conversation. If he could, he would have loved for it to keep going. It's just he had to get some sleep. What I could gather from thinking about it and talking with my friend, is that before, other peoples needs have been negative to me. Especially with my mom. That she used to express, both implicitly and explicitly, that I was bothersome to her. That my existence was interfering with her needs. What is a dependant child supposed to do in such a situation? Why, the logical course of action, is to reject yourself, by becoming critical of yourself and learning to please your parent, and in the end, please others. A people-pleaser. This is one side of the ''assertive-coin'' relating to me. The other side of it, is to express needs of my own. I find it very difficult to express my needs. I will say yes to things, even though I want to say no. And if I have a need, I will most likely no bring it up, having a voice telling me ''You will bother that person if you do that! They'll get annoyed with you! You do not have any value to offer! Your needs are inferior to other people's needs''. And I bend to that critical voice, staying quiet when I have a need. It ties in with what I wrote above about my mother. Not only did I have to make sure I did not interfer with her needs, I also had to supress my own needs because they annoyed her. The guy I talked to has similar problems. So we decided that we are going to work on getting more assertive with our needs, and deal with our feelings arising around the assertiveness of eachother. Are there other people here who have experienced/experiences similar relationships with assertiveness? I'd love to hear other people's perspectives, as always

It is hard for me to describe my last 24 hours...for the first time in my life I feel insane. My problem began yesterday while lying on my bed and listening to the 2701 podcast. Near the end Stefan had a discussion with a guy with autism who was also gay, at the moment of that conversation's twist (when he said that he was homosexual) something broke inside me...it is mind numbing to me why I was triggered by that conversation, I continued listening until the end with a big void in my stomach. It is essential to mention that I'm straight but I always had sympathy for homosexuals, but since that conversation I started looking at guys in a completely twisted way it is like I fell half-homosexual and I don't get sexually aroused by hot girls as much as couple of days ago. And that's just the beginning...my body is tense, my mind goes in circles, I am hyperactive (feel the need to walk all the time, I make sudden weird body movements at fast speed) also I cannot focus at all, even writing this post took me more than 30 minutes. Strange thoughts spring in my head out of the blue, and the most unsettling part for me is that I cannot think clearly, I'm generally very good at mental math and having arguments in my head, and analyzing social situations, now it's like I just drink 5 cup of coffees in a row, my mind is fogging a lot. Something in the back of my mind is bothering me and I simply don't know what it is, and I don't see any connection between all that I said, I feel helpless and I can't stand listening to music anymore, I'm scared, please help me! P.S.: I never did drugs nor smoked and I barely drink alcohol, I always had a bit of compulsive-impulsive disorder that would make me from time to time to obsess about some of my body parts and I also feel the need to organize my stuff and my PC, I'm not sure if that relates in any sense with my state at the moment but the way I feel when I had panic attacks and feel depressed has a bit of resemblance with my current state. Please excuse my grammatical errors in case I made any, I am not a native.

My birthday is coming up and as a gift, I was wondering if you would all allow me to post my favorite birthday song? ... It's meant to be deep and brutal like the birthday of every abused child. For me, my birthday signifies"child abuse awareness year." ...Whatever... I'm doing it anyway: "Happy Birthday To Me" by Bright Eyes All eyes on the calendar. Another year, I claim, of total indifference. To here the days pile up, with decisions to be made. I'm sure all of them were wrong. Into this song, I send myself, and with these drinks, I plan to collapse and forget, this wasted year, these wasted years... "Devoted friends," they disappear, and, "I'm sorry about the phone call and meeting you. Some decisions, you don't make. I guess it's just like breathing, and not wanting to. There are some things you can't fake." I guess that it's typical, to cling to memories, that, you'll never get back again. And to sort through old photographs, of a summer long ago, or a friend that you used to know, and there below his frozen face, that ancient name, that ancient place, that ancient date and, you can't believe he's really gone, and all that's left is a fucking song, and, I'm sorry about the phone call, and meeting you. I know that it is late, but thank you for talking, cuz I needed too. Yeah, some things just can't wait. Some things just can't wait. Yeah, this can't wait. Thank you. that's the best way I can explain how I feel about my birth anniversary. Support would be greatly appreciated. No bullies allowed at my birthday. You bully, I block por permanente. LOL