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So I was listening to the most recent Sunday show on youtube and the topic of social anxiety came up, a very very very important issue in my life. But once again (several other of Stef shows on the subject feel the same) I felt the conversation didn't really apply to me. Right now I just feel I need to write down my thoughts, sort of a stream of consciousness, because I am literally pacing around my room thinking this stuff because these ideas need to be out of my head so badly. Not to mention I am running short on time and am desperate. I would journal this, but I journal when I don't want an audience. I would call in during the next show, but I am also unsure of having Stef (and the youtube listeners) being my audience, and I hate my voice, and I wouldn't know what to say, writing is simply much easier for me.My parents were huge achievers. They started low and worked hard and got to the top. I cannot figure out the source of my social anxiety. But its bad. And it is making my life worse by the day. I left college as a result of depression (http://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/33822-what-the-hell-am-i-doing-ramble-ramble-ramble/) that was very much aided by hopelessness surrounding social anxiety (for example I went to a job fair and after a conversation with one representative (full of stuttering and awkwardness, and when he asked "do you have any questions about the company" I just stood there for a few moments and then said "no") I felt the usual intense fear and terror and I had to rush back to my dorm and sit down and try to calm down for about an hour. I didn't go back.). The age of the article I linked to above kind of tells you how little progress I am making in my own life. I am 21 and have barely changed in my mental state from when I was 18.I've been sitting in the basement for more than a month procrastinating on a business idea my mom came up with for me (I sure as hell can't seem to figure anything out for myself, and by that I mean I don't want to because I feel very scared) to fix people's computers around town, and she's just about to kick me out I'm doing so little. I can't blame her for that. My fear of social interaction just gives me this hopelessness, I see everybody else out succeeding and I am stuck because I can't talk to people, I don't know how and even if I did, I'd be too scared to do so. I (awkardly) talked business with somebody a few weeks ago and again I had to cool down afterwards except that time I kept thinking about all the stupid things I did in the conversation, and about ways to hang myself, but the suicidal ideation is such a regular thing for me I just see it as a routine to not be taken very seriously, a "silent cry for attention" if you will. (I'll talk about it online but in real life I have decided I will either do it or not, I will not "fail." I've already got enough failure on my plate.)I don't know. Some people, and some topics, I can talk easily, somewhat relaxed. Though even with my own parents I have extreme trouble with eye contact. Even with myself in the mirror I have trouble with eye contact. I just start to feel terrified. I think part of it is self-esteem, I hate how I look, so I am imagining how they see me. I don't know. I mean, I am obsessed with fitness, always lifting weights and running and weighing myself daily and watching my diet for years I've been doing this but I always drop back to being weak and fatter every time I have heavier depressive "episodes." I imagine this obsession relates to the self-esteem thing.Peoples eyes, the moment I see them and recognize they are looking at my face, they terrify me. Absolute terror. I don't know how else to describe it.I remember after the Zeitgeist Response video where Stef talked about the RBE folks' need for resources without dealing with realities of the adult world, and I really felt chills there because I realized I TOTALLY want that, but I also recognize economic realities, and that just makes me feel worse. And then I feel even more shame than that because I have WAY more opportunities than 90 percent of the people in this world, from the country I am in to the personal economic stability I was born into. I can't even comfort myself with ideas of socialism. And I think the reason I want that so badly is because I am so scared, and I am so scared because of the people. And the eyes.More recently I have thought maybe its caused by narcissism. Maybe the reason I can't look at myself in the mirror is because I am looking at myself like a 3rd party would, and I don't like what I see, because I want to be this character, this "imaginary self" that is better than the real me. The star in a movie where everybody else is a supporting character, and I'm just scared of realizing how untrue that is.Or maybe its just school, I remember being terrified when we had to recite poetry in front of the class. I remember being yelled at or hushed whenever I spoke in class. Though after about 3rd grade I had become the "good student" who never spoke unless he knew he was absolutely permitted to, and even then not always. All us quiet ones ended up being a group of friends. But they all got over it. They're all open and loud and partying and happy and excited for life.All this creates this enormous envy in me. All the people I know and knew as a child are just so much better than me, they adapt and they learn and they speak and they smile and they actually have real feeling behind the smile when they talk to people and I just wish I could be like that but no matter how much I consciously try to realize how irrational this all is it still happens anyways, I still feel terrified, and I sweat, and shake, and hate myself.God I want to work. I don't think I have ever really provided any real value to anybody. Every time I was ever paid it always felt like a donation. I want to be of value to somebody, to provide something worth paying for. I hate feeling this worthless. I hate being dependent. Being a leech. But then the talking thing becomes a requirement and I shrink down again. Its why I left college. I realized all the education in the world doesn't matter if you can't handle a job interview. And in my high school during a practice interview I could barely handle it. It wasn't even for an actual job and I couldn't answer the questions and my voice was shaking and I didn't make eye contact and that was actually her main criticism: "don't be so nervous." Helpful, thanks.I know I know: I need a therapist. But all the reviews in my area seem to show that all of them are the "15 minutes of talking, 2 minutes of prescription writing" sort of therapists. Not to mention that level of courage I just don't have, trying to arrange such a thing.Sometimes I think there is just some random chemical imbalance, and all these problems would go away with one pill that I just haven't tried before. I really, really hope thats true, but I am highly doubtful. I can tell you one thing with confidence, if there was nobody that would be hurt by my sudden non-existence, I would do it right now. That is shame, not guilt, and once I figured out the difference I realized how narcissistic these thoughts are.On a note that may or may not be related, I don't actually know for sure, I sometimes have fantasies of getting in fights and losing bad, getting beaten to a pulp, vomiting, rolling in my own blood. Begging for the fight to keep going. Wanting it. Like I want to be destroyed or something. I enjoy those fantasies a lot, and I'm still working out why I like them so much. All this psychologising has got me making connections regardless of whether real connections exist. I don't know. Its probably something something narcissism.Sometimes I think maybe this entire post I just wrote is to create a character I want you to see me as, but its so subtle I don't even fully comprehend that I am trying to convince you I am a certain character. "Look at me, look at how broken I am! Look at how much help you should give me! Me! Me! Me!" I hate that I feel anger and fear at the idea that my suffering is - in a way - fake, even if its true. Layers and layers and layers.I am not even going to ask a question at the end here, because there is no singular question I can put, this whole fucking post is a giant question I think. Not sure if an answer exists. Doesn't feel like it most of the time. Then maybe I am just scared of the answers. No, I am certain I am scared of the answers.There is a distinct possibility this post could be connected to my real identity, which also scares me. But whatever, got to give up on your image at some point (Brain: "You're supposed to be strong dammit! People will look down at you if they knew this! It will be pity and mockery all around!")I still haven't fundamentally figured out how to say hi to people, really.