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Hi, I have a newly four year old daughter and 9 month old twin daughters. Our four year old has been having 30-45 minute tantrums, at varying frequency. Say one on last Thursday, Twice on Sunday, Tuesday, Then twice today (Thursday). It is really wearing us down, having twin babies + toddler. She lacks self soothing skills, still uses a pacifier before bed, and refuses to poop in the potty even though she was almost fully potty trained at 2 years old. I offer to solve her issues with potty poops like keeping the water from splashing on her or using the little potty. During a bad week of tantrums she'll wake up screaming at night and need something, milk/bandaid/cuddles. But when things are going well she'll sleep through the night just fine (10-13 hours). The four year old started having these tantrums before the twins were born. My wife had a tough time with the pregnancy, since one the twins has a club foot and a cord issue. All is well now for sure, but we've had about a year and a half of toughness as a family. I suspect the four year old kinda caught some of our sadness and frustrations. We're doing great with the twins now though. The tantrums really started up right around three years old. She backs away, shoves her legs under things, tries to hide, her hands lock up into claws like she's into a freeze/flight response. I don't understand. She's a crazy bright kid. We did sign language with her, and her vocabulary now shows great rewards for doing so. Had colors / shapes down really quick too. She loves her preschool book playtime before bed, really wants to go to "Academy" (Preschool) 5 days a week at a little place we found for her, which starts in August. She currently goes to an in-home daycare at a neighbor's house 3 days a week (to my protest, breaking the 20 hour barrier for abandonment). During the week a nanny comes 5 days a week, and Momma/Four year old go out and have lunch or do something engaging as much as possible. Has really good coordination when catching or throwing balls/objects. Builds with blocks/legos and imagines what she's built as she's doing it. Very creative and well spoken. Sings. Dances. Makes up her own songs. Loves helping me play guitar. She doesn't like to eat. If we can get her to eat, typically things go well. She's not just a picky eater, she'll say her stomach hurts. Her stomach probably hurts because she's hungry. Very frustrating. Sometimes I just let her have whatever she wants to get some calories in her, like doritos chips. She'll always eat those. Then we try to get some strawberries/grapes or some cheese in her. Hit and miss. Loves bacon and crumbled hamburger. She gets very upset when she's tired and that's usually the impetuous for a tantrum. She's cry loudly "I don't wanna go to bed" and start to break down. This can happen in the morning or at night. Typically okay between 11am to 4pm. 4pm seems to be when things can really fall apart. She goes to a therapist that does Theraplay with her. I really like it, but the therapist agrees that we don't have an attachment problem. It's most likely a need to improve her coping skills, at least that's what we're going to work on next. My real problem is I have lost all my ability to be calm. If I am calm, I feel like I'm just being a sociopath. I don't feel anything or really want to help her, I just want her to stop spitting. I've even flipped the lock on her door around to her room last week and locked her in her room a couple of times. I don't feel bad, I just cannot handle the rage I feel when she starts having a fit. I know the fit is going to upset her mother, and I'm going to be upset. Last Tuesday I picked her up and pressed her down onto her bed and I couldn't help it..just started yelling at her at the top of my voice. I feel shame, I feel like I've failed, but I don't feel bad for yelling. I slapped her 3 times. I really don't feel bad. I'm so tired of it that I cannot handle the time she is upset. I don't trust myself, I really doubt I can hold myself back. I have no reason to believe I can just will myself into being a good father. I think her mother being upset just makes me flip into complete warpath mode, at least what I think it is. I go to a therapist 2-3 times a month due to being very very depressed after the twins were home from the NICU. I've never thought about killing myself but I've definitely wanted to just be gone from all my problems and sadness. I cannot even allow myself to wonder about it, I'm too important to all my kids. I'm doing a lot better at home and at work, but my four year old is just making me dread any time she's awake. My problems I can deal with at my therapist. I just...I'm spent. I need help. I don't know what I want or need. I'm mostly worried that I cannot handle being a father or husband.