Search the Community

Hey yall, I have been off the forums (was of course still donating) for about 4 years but still on board with FDR's message. I am having some depression issues lately I would love to talk about with some people. I have been to therapy and had a talk on Stefan's show years ago but am still fighting some demons deeply ingrained in me. Background: My parents neglected me my during my entire childhood, they ignored me when I was physically and verbally abused at school/church/home/by my older brother/everywhere. When I was 10 I voiced a concern that I was extremely unhappy with how life was and would not mind dying. I was not asking to die then, I was just stating that I would totally accept that as a finality to escape everything I was forced to deal with. My parents, being asshats, decided to drug me with SSRI's (when I was 10) which only increased my suicidal thoughts while simultaneously convincing me that I cannot trust my parents to take care of me. I stopped opening up to everyone and everything and was essentially a walking husk from age 10-21. I cried almost every day due to the social isolation/bullying/no empathy from anyone/no one cared about my experiences and other emotionally devastating experiences that would take up far too much room on this post so I will leave it with this: I was told my entire life to man up, stop crying, blah blah blah other completely heartless things a normal person would NEVER say to a victim of physical/emotional abuse. From ages 10-21 I wished for some way to die, not by my hands because my self esteem had been so utterly destroyed I could never bring myself to do such a thing, it would just be a very easy escape from the situations forced on me that will never leave my mind. My issue as of today, I am 25, is that the part of me that was forced to go through those experiences is still with me and he is still emotionally devastated. I have given that entity, I call him childhood me, as much love as I possibly can. I tell him every day that I love him, I support him and we can never go back in time to give ourselves a happy childhood that we should have had. I encourage him, I support him, I NEVER call him names, I don't put him down and I try to treat him as nice as possible because of how terrible I feel for the crap he had to put up with. Despite this self-love, the childhood me still feels like a mutilated rag-doll that has felt such self-hate, external hate, ridicule, humiliation, neglect, cold indifference and isolation he is still opting for the surrender and give up option. I am seeking more therapy but in the long-term the therapies I went through did not seem to curb these thought process. Please let me know your thoughts, the current me does not want to die. He (current me) wants to fight child abuse to his dying breath but he is forever-more linked to the childhood me who is still suffering from a lack of love/connection in my past. -Jeremy Motivation for song: NF Let you down

Long title, yes. My awakening has been a slow coming. It's somewhat late in life but I don't want to spend the rest in misery. I am 44 years old. I live in Absurdistan, formerly known as Sweden. My dream was to become a musician. How clever. Nobody pays for those anymore. I compensated my dysfunction by practicing my instrument insane number of hours. Didn't work. "Never give up on your dreams". Only a fool keeps pursuing dreams that are disguised nightmares. I want to give something back. I've learned so much but my truth is insanity here. I have nothing to show for the effort I have put in. I want to move away from here. My therapists have told me that it's a escape mechanism, that I don't want to face my fears. It's funny because when I have told them about what I have faced they end the therapy (because of transferrence?). Yay public healtcare! It seems that what is needed for this country is viewed as so offensive that it is completely impossible to convey. Being a middle aged supposedly privileged white male but lacking the evidence for that priviledge, i e the fancy car, the fancy apartment in the fancy community etc, it seems a futile endeavour. My "career" has been interrupted several times due to depression. Like I told a friend recently; "The only thing I know is to get a job." Working with low intelligence, leftist feminists that get drunk on the weekend. Yeah that dream I had kind of screwed up my chances of increasing my income. 40 to 80 is a long time.

Hi all. I would appreciate some perspective from other virtue-minded people on an internal struggle I'm dealing with regarding an accident with a firearm. As a foreword to the topic, I've reported my incident in full to my local police and it carries with it no illegality. A year ago I had an accidental discharge with my carry pistol in my room and the projectile shot through my roof/wall and up into the night. It was at a 45 degree angle so it wasn't going to hit anything with full power, but where it came down is where it could have done damage. The minute it happened I got into my car and drove down into the area where it would have landed, and there was no commotion. What I should have done that night was contact the police immediately, but I didn't due to my fear of my father's anger and whatever consequences might accrue legally (again, the police now know and it carries no illegality). After a week or two I informed my parents about it and since no police came they decided to just seal up the hole. About 8 months passed and it hadn't crossed my mind. I'd landed a job and was building my assets up to finally move out. Everything was going great. One night after work I'd bought some strong alcohol (I don't drink) and the next morning I thought I had alcohol poisoning. I rushed myself to the ER and it turned out I would be fine. When I told my folks they seemed not to be too bothered by it. That night I had two dreams, one where I was late for work and was probably fired, told my parents, and they turned a cold shoulder to me saying I deserved it, causing me to have a meltdown. The second was where I was watching myself fire a rifle into my back woods accompanied by a friend I used to know. When I went from 3rd to 1st person I stopped in horror and rushed into the woods to make sure nobody was hurt. I emerged in a parking lot where cars and walls were riddled with holes and people were coming out all angry and yelling at me. I kept searching to make sure at least nobody was hit but crowds of angry people just swarmed me. From the minute I woke up I was overwhelmed with guilt and fear at what I'd done. After vigorously analyzing my two dreams and the circumstances surrounding, I decided to follow my gut which was telling me to report what happened and take full responsibility. I went to the cops, told them every detail, and all they did was make a report (since nobody reported anything). I thought the fear of the cops was what was bothering me, but after I cleared it up with them, the only thing that disappeared was the fear. The guilt still sticks and it feels like something is still wrong. I still feel it in the bottom of my stomach right now, though it's not debilitating. So... how do you perceive my guilt from an outsider's perspective? I would really really appreciate some help with this as I have nobody in my life right now I can really explore this with, and the one thing I want in life is to be a good person. This could be my true self pointing me in the direction of virtue, or historical trauma, and that's what I feel I need to figure out.

Looking back in my childhood and teenage years I realize that I seemed to be very different from most of my peers in regards with anything social especially. Every since I can remember most of my peers and classmates had a much easier and enjoyable time making friends, having a good time interacting with each other, being more confident and not fearing getting in conflicts with one another. They were more combative in dealing with their peer, more charismatic, louder, more assertive, much more socially savvy etc... When it came to studying there were a lot that were more determined, had an easier time learning the material in class, more motivated - generally they had clearer visions about what they wanted to do in the future and took better grades. The greatest disparity and the one that made me feel the worst is the dynamic of the interactions between them...they seemed to talk a language that was really foreign to me, I was an outcast. Most of them ignored me all throughout the school years, I think because they did not see any value in interacting with me. They started going on holidays by themselves with their friends, going clubbing, having boyfriends/girlfriends and all the typical things for teenagers. I was bullied a lot and did not go through any of the teenage stereotypes. My teenage years were mostly spent sitting by myself in my room. I not a long time ago realized that there was always deep lingering sentiment of inferiority that I had. I was very deeply ashamed of myself that most of my peers had such an easier time compared to me, at least when they were outside the house. However, listening to most of the call in shows with people that had a similar past with mine Stefan would make the point that they had a worse childhood than their peers and that their peers did not have empathy nor sympathy for them. I found that calls very powerful and got me very emotional because how much they resonated to how I felt and Stefan's words sounded almost too good to be true. I think that unconscionably my mind was going...:"wow! so do you mean to tell me that all of this was not because of deficiencies on my part but because I had a worse childhood than them? This feels so relieving" My doubt comes from the fact that I actually do not know what happened in their childhoods, I do not know what exactly they got that I did not, or what abuse I did go through that they did not...and I came to wonder how bad my childhood was compared to theirs if it was indeed worse at all. Do you have any idea how can I find this out? What about your childhoods? How much worse or better were they compared to most of your peers?

How comedy and fame are used as coping mechanisms for one's hurtful childhood.

A new article, where I comment on a response I got that argues yelling at your child is okay, even useful. In it, I explain why this is not the case, and analyze the response itself and how it reflects on the psyche of somebody who thinks this way. Response I received: "Not that I do not agree with any of this, but as a parent (and someone abused badly as a child--in most all ways), I can say some of it is ridiculous. I am sorry. Parents sometimes yell at their children. They get punished and disciplined as the situation dictates, and ALWAYS mine know why. The world is not going to be always empathetic to ones problems. There is not going to be people around to SOOTH them all their lives...sorry, but that is true. No, if my kid has a slight scrape I won't over indulge them (they are 10, 12, and 15) as they must learn to do it for themselves too. I am not abusive, but, as most parents will admit, I am not perfect. But, the world is not an empathetic place...by and large...they should not have to learn that the hard way. I do not beat, neglect, nor have scared my kids the way I have been. Seeing as I was abused, I do make en effort to do the best I can to not repeat. I agree everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, but, people piss people off...and one should be able to correct a wrong and be heard...if yelling is needed to be heard...so be it! " Read my analysis here: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/04/q-i-yell-at-my-children-and-they-will.html

My newest article about figuring out if your therapy is actually working for you or not. "Today’s question is extremely popular: I’m in therapy, and some people [my spouse, or parent, or friend, or coworker, or partner] say that it’s not working for me. I’m confused. Is it true?" Read it here: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/04/q-is-therapy-working-for-me.html

A new article, where I answer a very common question: should I talk to my parents about my painful childhood experiences? Link: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/03/q-should-i-talk-to-my-parents-about-my.html

I finally finished editing a new video on the topic of toxic behavior in relationships. Eventually, I decided to divide it into two videos based on the topics discussed there. I am very pleased with the final product, and I can definitely recommend it to anyone interested in the subject. In the first part, I talk about the origins and mechanism of toxic behavior in adult relationships. Questions explored here: How do most people choose their adult relationships? What are the traits they are looking for in others and why? Why do we sometimes treat our close ones worse than strangers? Why do we act out in our relationships in general? In part two, I look at the options available for someone who is in an abusive, unhappy, or dissatisfying relationship. How can a person resolve a situation where they are in such a relationship?

So, in my online dating hunt I see something that disturbs me over and over.. It's worded differently every time, but the sentiment is the same.. I love animals more than people. Why do so many young women feel this way? It doesn't make sense to me. There is simply no way that one can connect with an animal with the full range of emotional intimacy, honesty, curiosity, empathy, and authenticity as you can with another person. And yet, there seems to be a large number of young women who really feel as though they love their precious pets with all of their heart, and that this love can't be rivaled in a relationship with another man. This is deeply troubling if that is even remotely true. To me, that signifies a damaged emotional apparatus and an inability to genuinely connect with people. And don't get me wrong - relationships with pets can be deeply rewarding, affectionate, and enjoyable. Nonetheless, I find it disturbing when I read a Tinder or OKCupid profile which has this red flag waving on it. What are the causes of this strange phenomenon? Why does it seem to happen primarily to women? It's quite possible that it happens with similar frequency to men, but men remain less vocal about their preference. I'm almost positive that this is not healthy, but am open to correction if I'm missing something. What are your thoughts?

A very important message regarding a painfully common misconception about having psychoemotional struggles, feeling unsure, being "weak," and looking for help.

My newest article on how NOT to raise a boy to respect women, himself, of anybody: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/01/how-not-to-raise-boy-to-respect-women.html

I just finished a new three-part article series on silencing the voice of reason. Here's the first part. "In this series of articles, I will talk about people’s avoidance of reality, and about personal and social outrage when encountering a voice of reason. In the first part that is this article, I will explain the origins of a person’s unreasonable reaction to describing reality and the mechanism behind this phenomenon. I will also talk about the social outcomes of openly describing the unpleasant aspects of reality, especially child mistreatment." Read more here: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/02/silencing-voice-of-reason-part-1.html

In this short video, I introduce the concept of self-doubt, and talk about the origins of self-doubt, potential problems with it, and results when and if its resolved.

The second episode of our podcast is here! In it, I and my co-host Jackie talk about the concepts of hope, passivity, (self-)responsibility, boundaries, and more. Get cozy and join us for an hour of self-archeology.

Hey, I just made a short new video on the topic of projected anger: what is it, why people have it, and what to do about it.

This is a more of a logical exercise then anything else, but even though, most of it is based on scientific accounts from well respected scientists and scientific work. There are some cultures, especially with strong family support that can be extremely effective in preventing trauma from setting in. In this cases joint pain and muscle ache usually happen after the event are main symptoms. This is explained by physical effort, secretion of cortisol and following relaxation. In more lonely and isolated environment those symptoms, though, usually present itself but are ignored because catharsis never comes. Western big-city culture, does not provide a person with same support and sense of safety that a big family in Sicily could. Sicily arguably most psychologically healthy region of the west, or at least with least suicides per capita. My interpretation of this in accordance to latest "memory reconsolidation" research, is that, traumatic experiences are immediately disconfirmed by wide tangible support-net and never go so far as to take root. Further more, it is easier to develop healthy tolerance(hypothalamus) to stress. From this POV it becomes obvious that Western life style, where a person lives absolutely alone/without meaningful connections/in abusive environment never receives catharsis and trauma is entrenched in psyche. Healthy tolerance to any type of stress is almost impossible in this case. Your thoughts? P.S. I am going to buy book called "The Body Keeps Score Transformation Trauma" in order to advance in my self-therapy. I am currently stuck in the middle of IFS, because of incurring depression and mental blocks an searching different outlet for self-therapy. Any suggestions are welcome. P.P.S. I defooed my extended family for period of this holidays, because of several conflicts. I feel extremely lonely. This is probably not a place to write about it, but I am not sure this where else to put it. P.P.P.S. Yes, I am going to get counseling. From a good psychologist. I hope.

Hi, I just had a thought about my cannabis usage over the past 5 years (with a 1 year break) that I began in my journal. I wanted to share it with you Cannabis can relieve anxiety in the moment, but if it breaks through, it will be more present. It will be more uncomfortable, and at times nearly unbearable. It will be a physical experience of anxiety without any limitation or method of managing it. What does this remind me of? My mother. I was not able to control my mother's anxiety. I was able to master this anxiety I felt by recreating my own mother in my head, and adhering to what I thought would make her more anxious, and by facilitating what I thought would make her less anxious. Many people experience uncontrollable anxiety when they first use cannabis. I did. Even now I sometimes do - often, in fact. Every smoking experience I've had over the past year has involved at least some anxiety while I've smoked. I think this is a sign of relative health compared to when I was able to smoke without any anxiety. What is the effect of cannabis overall on anxiety? It increases anxiety. This is because if cannabis is being used to manage anxiety, the user will not have to manage their anxiety with their foresight and frontal lobes, or an "inner parent" (not to be confused with an inner abuser). And the body will create more anxiety in response. When the body is then without cannabis, the person is left off unpracticed in managing their anxiety without cannabis. The more the cannabis use, the more frequent, the more well-timed, the more the person loses the ability to manage their anxiety without it. I think I used cannabis despite it making me more uncomfortable in my first uses because I felt insecure that there was not an uncontrollable source of anxiety in my life. I had spent my whole life managing anxiety from my mother, from the fact that I was afraid of being rejected and abandoned (another way of saying from my mother), from public school; that when I was living on my own at 19, doing well in a philosophy college course, I felt insecure by the relative lack of anxiety in my life, and I sought to create more. It was trauma-recreation to create an uncontrollable anxiety in my life that I would have to learn to master, and find ill-found joys in. It is no coincidence that my cannabis use began when I moved out of my mom's at 19, and that my anxiety management (in terms of alleviating it without cannabis) has worsened the more I've used weed. Thank you for reading and I hope this encourages you go avoid becoming addicted to cannabis, and to work to quit (with professional guidance if possible) if you are already addicted.

Last weekend I took a break from writing my book to record a few new videos. Here's one of them on universalizing the principle of non-abuse.

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/aug/21/study-of-holocaust-survivors-finds-trauma-passed-on-to-childrens-genes Warning: This is a mix of ranting and observation and sharing personal experience, etc. so I apologize in advance if my thoughts are all over the place. This is one of the many articles you can find about passing on trauma through genes. I am not Jewish but I do live in Israel. This topic has been on my mind lately and now my niece is on a field trip in Poland to visit the Holocaust sites with her class. It's an optional trip, however in high school the kids are taught the Jewish experience of the Holocaust and visit the Holocaust Museum in Jerusalem, etc. She's sending photos of these sites which are very emotional and haunting. I can tell it's her attempt to connect to the family at a time where she needs her family to be there with her or for her not to be there at all! My kids are still young (1st and 3rd grade) but I have already made up my mind that they will not be visiting these sites with a class or without me. I thought I would chapparone but even that is out of the question. If they want to go, it will be just us, as a family on our own time. I had a suspicion that getting into the details of the holocaust while the kids are in school passes on the trauma. Now, having heard my nieces experience (she is 16), I can tell she is already traumatized AND keep in mind, she is in a foreign country, for the first time, without her parents for a week...which can be difficult enough! Now, you can imagine my legitimate concern added to the scientific research done on the matter (even Israeli media covers this research) is seen by many in Israel as mild nazi'sm or 'concern trolling. I find this highly irresponsible and abusive but of course this is the "jewish" right of passage I guess. I'm not stating this as any judgement because this type of teaching-trauma can occur in any way. This is what the 'black slavery' I believe does to modern black people..... keep hammering on about slavery and suddenly they felt enslaved, etc. I find it frightening and fascinating at the same time. It explains a lot about certain Jewish, especially Israeli behaviors.... especially in context of the current Palestinian conflict. You get the extreme right who just goes into spirals that everyone isagainst them and ...I won't get too much into it now, but in short, but these extreme right that are the biggest drivers behind keeping the Holocaust alive and viscerally palpable, think that if you try to discuss peace and consistancy, that you are a secret terrorist. LIke super weird stuff I can't even describe. They say, "you are a terrorist posting as a peace activist'. I mean... that is a whole level of paranoia I can't even explain. it's a riddle wrapped in a puzzle to understand how these people process information and others who aren't like them. Even to common Israelis they are baffling. I digress. I think this issues of how we can pass on our traumas in our genes either by our behavior from that trauma that is taught or by activating genes in our offspring or by literally TEACHING them the trauma so it feels real and present it hugely underrated. I have tried using this avenue of discussion to see if in my own life I am doing this to any degree unknowingly. But when I speak with others to see if they notice this in their own life or in society as a whole because I think if we can put context to this so people really see it, then it can begin, just like peaceful parenting, undoing a lot of the damage in the world. I am so so sorry that my niece is going through this but there is no way in her situation to even make it a 'bad' thing. They are proud to go through this. Even though it is traumatizing. I can only start with my kids by minimizing the damage and keep our conversations open and frequent. I've already told my hubby that our kids will not be participating with their class on these trips. If later in their life they want to visit these sites, I have no problem whatsoever and we will go together, as a family so we can share the experience and take the time to go at our pace and deal with the emotions together with honor and dignity and care. My niece's trip is 200 children! (some are from the same age group but different schools). I was horrified.... not even on our 'fun' field trips in the US could we get 200 kids, if we included the whole school in the whole county! lol But that many kids for such an emotional, scary, confusing and intensive trip it's outright abuse. And, she is already calling home everyday hysterical and crying and then when she gets home, she will sit for hours with her grandmother who lost 3 relatives in the Holocaust which will hit her stronger in her heart and knowing my mother in law, won't get into the 'how'. It's only the 'what'. My kids will learn the precursors to WWII to put things in context..not that it makes it ok but that's why she's so traumatized. she keeps asking, HOW? HOW? HOW? and no one has any fucking answers for her except: because we are Jews." not because THEY were Jews... but WE...they already put THEMSELVES in the past experience. It's so subtle. I tried once to say.... you know there were a lot of precursors that prepare for a dictator to take over and is preventable if society will read the signs. And I was given death stares and everyone's ears turned deaf...stick to the narrative!! They always say on the Holocaust Memorial Day, "never again'. They say you either have Jews who vow this will never happen again to THEM and you have Jews who vow this will never happen again to ANYONE. That's really true and I try to preach how this can never happen again to anyone and pay attention to economics, recognize propaganda, etc but that's very inconvenient to passing on trauma. If the youths don't feel the trauma, the elders feel the youths will put down their guard and it will happen all over again....which is true because the elders never learned or took the time or allowed anyone else to teach HOW it actually happened in order to read the warning signs. Lastly, don't judge Israel by its leader! lol I've come to the conclusion (and since we are all or mostly anarco-caps here) that when we see a leader of any country, it's probably most accurate to assume that he represents the LOUDEST MINORITY, not the rational majority. I know Democracy is suppose to be the mob rule, but from what I've seen in the 2 countries I've lived in (US and Israel) it's the loudest minority that wins the power seat. ok, I think that's the end of my rant. If anyone has anything to add, please do!

I made a new video. I really enjoyed creating this one and I'm proud of the result, as I find it to be both informative on the subject of childhood trauma and psychology and creatively fulfilling. It's an analysis of Scarecrow / Jonathan Crane, a character from the Batman universe. Here, we take a look at the character's origins and (d)evolution. We will see how he is a product of childhood trauma and the representation of the cycle of abuse. https://vimeo.com/selfarcheology/circleofabuse

I made this video with a segment from one of the latest call in shows FDR2974 How to ‘Find Yourself’. It deeply resonates with me that nostalgia for the past. What do you guys think?

Most of us have years of experience being dependent on abusive caregivers. As children, this is not chosen, but a consequence of being small, fragile, and powerless. However as adults, I believe it is a choice to remain dependent on abusive former-caregivers. I think there is reason why we are influenced to make this decision to remain dependent. I will speak primarily of my own experience in this regard. I have had over two decades of experience being financially and emotionally dependent on my abusive mother. A primary theme in our relationship has been verbal and physical conflict. This was present from my earliest memories, and persists today. There are more than a handful of these conflicts that I can look back on and say "I cannot imagine how this could have gotten worse." I feel I have "seen it all" when it comes to the extremes of how a conflict could escalate between us. What comes with this two-decade long experience is a certain set of skills. I have enormously more experience managing abuse than I have had developing any other skill. Therefore, despite being traumatic and emotionally unhealthy, my continued chosen exposure to abuse contains a vast familiarity, predictability, and ability to manage. And what is worse, the development of these skills has come at a huge cost of developing the opposite skills necessary to flourish in a life without abuse - some of which are negotiation, patience, sobriety, and mindfulness. Therefore, I feel that abuse is predictable, and can therefore seem comfortable and alluring, while a rejection of abuse is unpredictable, challenging, and therefore uncomfortable and frightening. TL;DR My question is this: what is your experience in manifesting the courage needed to reject and move on from a state of dependency on abusive care-givers? What precautions did you take? How did you manage the anxiety? Did your independence come slowly, or did you make deliberate, powerful decisions which you knew would make you very uncomfortable in the short term for the benefit of the long term? I personally want to move on from my state of dependency, but I realize the allure of being comfortable can distort my decisions and my plans to become independent. I am wondering what time horizon I should expect of myself, whether I make rapid decisions to leave my abuse ASAP, or whether I should take relatively more time to make sure when I leave, that I will be able to sustain myself for good. Any personal experiences you share are much appreciated.

My newest video: An example of a sociopathic convicted pedophile from the TV show "The Fall." http://youtu.be/h2bnuTxOMoE

In this video I present a short concept of what does it mean to work on yourself, heal, and grow.