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edit >>> EXTREMELY LONG POST. Sorry about this! Please skip this post and go to #2, unless you have lots of time of course. Hello everyone! I would like to thank you in advance for reading my post, and for any insight you may be able to offer. I have been putting this off for quite some time, thinking that it would not really help to share my problems with the community. The way I have justified this is basically by telling myself that I already know what I must do. In other words, I tell myself that I must seek a professional therapist, that I must make new friendships, that I must sever my negative relationships, that I must be more productive, etc. etc. etc. – and come to the conclusion that you will tell me the same thing, and so that it would be useless to come to you with my doubts and fears. That is all nonsense though, and I can see right through it. I understand that I am evading this need to open up, in fear of coming to conclusions that I may not want to grasp. These are conclusions that I have already come to in my own mind, but perhaps I'm afraid of hearing them from others, or maybe I'm afraid of the opposite – that my conclusions (I'm lazy, I'm too scared, I will never really be normal, I'm too far behind, it's way too hard, I can't do it) are totally wrong, and that this may take some weight off my shoulders, weight that I may be using to punish myself for God knows what (this what is probably the most important obstacle I face). Even doing this right now, is starting to feel quite difficult. I'm starting to feel that sensation in my throat that usually precedes crying. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable, and I think my mind is actively looking for distractions that may help me avoid having to finish this post. A part of me is a bit fearful of the response I may receive, although I acknowledge fully how irrational that is, considering that the responses I have seen here are always quite kind and generally very empathetic and helpful. So, where does this fear come from? Maybe from a general sense of inferiority? The very thought of speaking to Stefan has always left me with a sense of curiosity, alarm, shame, and fear – but in a very disinterested sort of way, like it's something I don't think would ever occur, because I don't see myself far enough down the road of self-knowledge to seek that out, and because I've always thought that I would be able to advance far enough on my own through books and journaling and such. This is probably part of my problem, and I'm starting to acknowledge that. I tend to be too individualistic in the sense that I always think that I can do things on my own, generally distrust others' abilities and capacity to help, and yet never quite seem to be able to do anything at all. However, I blame this on myself, on my constant state of melancholy and inability to concentrate on the here and now. I blame myself for always thinking of what's ahead and never on today. I'm very much a daydreamer, but I know that the sources of this problem are within me and are solvable, and so I am now looking for professional help. I hope I haven't been rambling too much and that the above helps you get an idea of where I'm coming from. Now some background: I'm originally from Mexico, and moved with my mother and half-sister to the US at the age of 6. My father stayed behind. My parents were not married, and my father was 16 years older than my mother (38-22 when I was born). I was a very creative child, and liked being alone, never had much friends, and fortunately suffered very little in terms of physical abuse. I started out well in school (public school as we've always been quite poor, my mother left school at 16 when my sister was born, and her family was also very much poor) and was even put in gifted and talented classes, as I was very good with art and enjoyed reading. However, due to lack of guidance or interest from any adult, I began to do worse and worse in school and finally dropped out of high school at the age of 19 I believe (I had always been a year behind because it took me a year to learn English after I arrived, I think I was a junior then but very much behind). I dropped out because I was told I could just take an equivalency exam and obtain my GED, I was not told however that it was necessary to be an American citizen to do so (I was not) and so that never happened. I worked as a waiter and helping an uncle in real estate for a while, before deciding to move back to Mexico where I could be "free" to live my life as I pleased. I was very proud then, falsely so, and the idea of having to ask someone to break the law so that I could work just made feel so ashamed that the idea of living in Mexico really seemed like a good one. I lived with my father for some time in a small city on the Mexican border (where he had moved to be closer to me after he had been deported from the US for having overstayed his visa) for a while, about 10 months, and then I managed to move to a large city with the help of money my mother made available to me. The time I spent with my father has been probably the worse period in my life, because I depended on him but the guy really is about as broken a man as I've ever seen, and obviously he carries a lot guilt in regards to me, and long story short I'm just really angry at him to this day. After I left my father, I came to Guadalajara, the city I'm originally from and which is quite a large city and had many more opportunities for me. I worked in call centers for a while, and then in bicycle shops (something I'm very much into). I had read Ayn Rand in my teens, and this is what I think saved me and is still responsible for keeping my flame alive. I think it caused a few problems too, because I think I tried to be like her heroes for a while, and well that's really not a very smart thing to do. I think I repressed a lot of emotions during my teens and early to mid 20's because of this. I was very hard on myself. I'm sorry I feel like I'm straying a bit from the point, but I think I know what's next. After living alone for a few years, my father came down here to try and be closer to me. We lived separately and saw each other frequently, but then we had an argument and I basically cut him off completely after explaining everything in a very long text message. I basically said to him that he was a bad influence on me, and that he was the same guy who had abandoned me as a child (by being a bad partner to my mother and forcing her to leave him). I also said to him that his interest in the esoteric was only a way for him to believe in impossible things, which made it easy for him to imagine that he and I could actually have a healthy relationship. Plus, my father was sexually active from a very young age, something I know marked him deeply and is probably the cause of all his neurosis and guilt. Then, I at some point got fed up with my job, and quit. I had only been working and daydreaming in my free time, and I had not been thinking much about my future, or making any friends. I was still very proud then, and had never been very sociable, and found it quite difficult to relate either to nationals or others who too had come back from the US. At this point, I thought I would leave the city and go live in small town, where I could work hard and live a simple life away from the distractions of the city. I didn't plan this terribly well however, and ended up with no money and my things on the sidewalk. And so I reached out my father, or my abuser, and have been living with him ever since. For a good while I descended into a very deep mental fog, and forgot all about what had originally made me break ties with my father. I started working at a bike shop and earning just enough to pay for my basic needs. I lived this way for some time, and was going deeper and deeper into this sort of zombie state. Then my mother came to visit me recently and really forced an awakening which had been building up the months prior to her arrival. I was devastated. My emotions, which had been turned off for years, suddenly were brought back to life and it scared the shit out of me. After having been numb for years I started to really feel and it was all quite overwhelming. My mother, who I'd had a generally good relationship with, suddenly made me see just how unfit I was to deal with reality. When she was here I felt like I was in a way responsible for her, and this made feel totally inadequate. It made me very nervous, and I had not seen my mother for about 7 years, and so this also shocked me into life again. Since then I have taken up listening to FDR again, which I had not been doing mostly due to not owning either a pc or a smartphone, and basically just not looking into self-knowledge before this event. Although, to be honest, I've always had a need to keep a diary, even if at times I have ignored it for months – it's an urge that always comes back, and I have hundreds of journal entries in physical journals, iphone notes, word documents, etc. I may share some if anyone is interested in listening to my inner voice. Right now, I am making enough to pay my bills, and thankfully can do this through one part time job. The free time I have I want to invest in some project that will allow me to make more money in the future, such as elaborating some cycling-related apparel or perhaps developing the talent I know I possess but have not developed. However, I tend to spend most of my time between all sorts of different interests and cannot seem to make up my mind which to focus on. I feel like there's no one in my life that has genuine interest in me or that has the knowledge to guide me in any direction or offer any real advice. Also, I'm still very much in an English-language frame of mind. I speak good Spanish, but am not totally fluent as in I cannot write very well or articulate my thoughts with the precision I wish I could – I'm still very lacking in terms of vocabulary, but I don't have the will to focus on working on my skills because I'm really not sure I want to continue in this country, on the other hand, I don't see the possibility of leaving this country any time soon. I sway between thinking that I will never find anyone worth making friends with here, and that there have to be people worth making friends with but that I will never know if I don't reach out. However, I feel like I having nothing to offer, and like I have to work hard and study hard before earning the right to ask for anyone's friendship. I'm also very frightened of taking the risk in trusting someone only to have their irrationality surface later and destroy the bond I though we had created. I feel like no one is interested in self knowledge, and no one is capable of being vulnerable and sharing themselves openly. I try to be very open and share my thoughts and emotions with the people currently in my life but they are very rarely reciprocal and tend to avoid this kind of conversations. I haven't had an amorous relationship in 10+ years, and have only met 3 women I have genuinely liked in the 8 years I have been here, but I have not had the courage to start a conversation because I just feel so inadequate, so far behind in life, and so painfully conscious that I have very little to offer anyone. I now understand, thanks to Stefan, that I cannot do this alone – but is there anything else I can do beside therapy to strengthen my will, and to find my path? I feel like this isn't really the point of my post, but I don't know how to frame my exasperation into a sentence. It's so many things, a lot which I did not even touch on. I know I need to reach out to a professional, and I'm in the process of finding the right one. If I may ask a question in regards to this – what kind of therapist should I look for? I've come across a lot psychoanalysts but I'm not sure if they're all Freudians, and then there are cognitive behaviorists (?), and a thing called Gestalt. I've looked for analytical psychologists, but have had no luck – they all seem to do something other than individual therapy sessions. Also, is it a good idea to read about psychology? Should I read Alfred Adler, Alice Miller, C.G. Jung ... or could this have the effect of confusing me rather than helping me? Could it not hurt to go into therapy with this knowledge? In the sense that it may interfere with the therapists' work? I'm very sorry for the lengthy post, but I do not know what I should cut out to make it shorter. In a way I think it gives a good idea of where I am – all over the place, confused. Thank you for reading.