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I recently recognized this sharp contrast in me of what I generally feel in the present and what is possible if not for some enormous burden that I carry. My attention to this was brought through a dream where I was experiencing this sense of safety and love that was somehow connected to my family. This state I was in made me realize how torturous my past existence had been and I started crying out of sadness for the pain of wasted life and potential that could have been realized if only I hadn't been forced to carry that burden. This was an incredibly sad experience and I thought if only I could have reached this sense of safety earlier, my life would not have been wasted this much. Although I actually attributed the responsibility of my reaching this state to my mother. Thus I was also blaming my mother for not doing this earlier. Now back to waking life. I am certainly aware of there being a hole in me or something that actively keeps me from being the person I feel I could be. There is a lot of shame and pain around this area and exploring it further is not something my emotional brain would even consider at this point. A sense of fear and foreboding surfaces when I'm observing this issue in my mind. There is a feeling of no matter what I would do, there is no way that I could ever do anything about this problem and so I will always remain broken. A kind of forbidden area inside me that doesn't even belong to me so I have no business of trying to deal with it or engage with it. Coming from this there is a lot of pain that I carry around but the pain is deep inside and it appears I would need to feel a sense of safety before I could really feel this pain. One way that I would describe this sense of safety in words would be the feeling that whatever I do, I will always be loved and so this most important thing will always remain there for me. Hence a situation of no danger for losing the most important thing in life. This, I think, would make me very open to emotional risk and thus willing to explore the world and gain new experiences. In reality I feel like I am in a situation that is opposite to what I described. I am horribly afraid of failures, I feel like doing anything is pointless because I cannot really enjoy anything at all due to this hole inside me that will always cut me off from the outside world. Consequently I find myself presently in a situation of stasis, of lacking much experience of the world and of very low motivation. This has plagued me from early puberty and the shit situation with little hope for significant improvement in the near future I now find myself in have everything to do with it. I will try though. And I will never give up. I can't think of any questions, I just wanted to share this. Does it look like I have a victim mentality?