Search the Community

Hello, I'm wondering how one should deal with self-criticism and self-censoring. I find that I often don't speak my mind, tend not to trust my own conclusions as much as I perhaps should, and tend to be overly gentle and deferential to others. To be brief, I am the youngest of four children. There is an 11-year age gap between me and my next-oldest brother. I have one other brother, and a sister, who is the oldest of the siblings. I was born in 1959, and am currently 55 years old. I was an unplanned child, and grew up in a family of very capable brothers and sisters. My sister earned a Chemical Engineering degree from CWRU, one brother was an officer in the US Army, and my other brother earned an Aeronautical Engineering degree from MIT. My education was a very different story. I got off the rails, academically, at a young age, and pretty much earned C's, D's and some F's throughout school. My parents tried to help, a bit, but I have the sense that I was largely an embarrassment to them. I have always been idealistic and was interested in science and electronics from a young age. If I was interested in something, I gave it my full attention, but if I wasn't interested in it, I typically ignored it. Generally speaking, I never had help with my homework. I remember sitting around the kitchen table, when my siblings would come home, and being constantly afraid to breathe or say anything, for fear that someone would make a nasty comment, or ask me about my grades, etc. I felt like the black sheep of the family, if that makes any sense. From time to time I would lie, and say that I did things in school that I didn't do. My parents should have realized that what I was claiming was bullshit, but they didn't seem to investigate, or call me on it, or recognize it as a sign of something being wrong. My parents would often say "You're smart enough to do well, but you're just lazy." Over time, I developed perfectionist tendencies, and I think they have been with me my whole adult life. I earned a degree in Computer and Information Science from The Ohio State University in 1983, and have made a good income as a software engineer since then. Sadly, I got divorced after 30 or so years of marriage. I am on good terms with my ex-wife and strive to treat her and others with justice. Bottom line, I have had a hard time shaking feelings of inadequacy. I'm very interested in practical philosophy, and I have had a big Ayn Rand / rationalistic phase. I think I'm getting away from the rationalistic aspects of it, but still consider most of Objectivism valid, even if I tend to lean more towards a stateless society these days. I have been listening to Stephan for the last year or so. I'd welcome any advice you might have for me. I'm wondering to what degree I should be angry with my parents. They are both dead now. I know the old line about "They did the best they could with the knowledge that they had," but I'm pissed that they kind of just let me struggle. I don't understand why they couldn't find some goddamn time to simply help me with my homework more. Thoughts? Best, John