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Hey there, I'm hoping to get some advice on an issue I've been "dealing" with since I started my current relationship about 9 months ago. Basically, I seem to have an issue with my girlfriend's sexual past, specifically the fact that she's not a virgin. Here's a summary: - She's has sex with one partner before me, which by modern standards is significantly less than average for a 25 year-old, and I recognize that. It was also as part of a long-term relationship, so not a casual one-night stand or anything like that. - I've had two sexual partners in the past, so I'm not a virgin either (I'm 26). Any judgement and issues I have with her past I should (and attempt to) equally apply to myself. I'm well aware that if I consistently applied an idea such as "having a sexual past is a dealbreaker" it would mean I would never date anyone else. On a rational level I think prior attempts at relationships and mistakes should not be dealbreakers (I suppose depending on the details). Unfortunately, on an emotional level I am frequently bothered by images of her sexual past in my head. I imagine way more graphic detail than I'd like and it's emotionally painful. Sometimes it interferes with our intimacy... Since in our relationship we have a strong emphasis on honesty, sharing, and RTR, we made the mistake of over-sharing some details about our past that wasn't necessary. Partly that was her mistake for telling me certain graphic details I didn't ask for, and sometimes mine for asking. She did also on a couple of occasions put herself in dangerous situations a few years ago (before we met) and that bothered me a lot when she first told me, but less so over time. It's the thoughts of her non-virginity that don't seem to be calming down. I've tried to deal with what I consider "obsessive" thoughts/images with therapy. Both of us actually did some IFS therapy quite actively near the start of our relationship, which I think was very helpful. I did about 20 sessions but then I basically ran into money issues (and found out over time that my therapist was a spiritualist that believed in souls and life after death, indeed claimed she had "experienced" it, which made me unable to take her seriously) so I had to pause a few months back. Since I can't afford therapy right now, I figured maybe someone here could offer some helpful advice because whatever thought processes I've attempted so far (including googling advice on the issue) haven't turned out fruitful. I'm not sure what the root cause of these thoughts is. Perhaps finding that would help? For whatever reason, in my mind virginity in a partner is important. I'm not entirely sure where this belief originated from. It's not religious brainwashing, as my parents were vaguely Jewish but there was little indoctrination and I've been an atheist since I was 15/16. Since I was a kid I did however have this fantasy in my mind that I would find a partner, we'd both be virgins, and that we'd fall in love and stay together forever. I still think that might be the best possible outcome, but maybe not a realistic one, especially when both our ACE scores were pretty high (mine's a 6 and hers a 5). We both agree that if we knew of each other's existence from the beginning we would never have dated anyone else, but unfortunately for us both it was a journey of mistakes and standards that were too low and only gradually increased. One lead I have that I discovered through therapy is a strong fear of STDs (which relates to a traumatic event with my ex). However, we both got tested before we did anything and another time since then and all is well. Another idea is that I've had trouble forgiving/accepting myself for my own sexual history (I dropped my standards and ignored huge red flags and it bit me later), so perhaps if I'm not able to even forgive myself, how could I forgive/accept my partner? We like each other a lot and if I could focus better on the "now" of the relationship I think our ratio of good/healthy to bad/unhealthy interactions would be about 95/5. That ratio didn't start out this high but it's been improving pretty consistently since we've both been working on it (that's one of the reasons we both did therapy in our first few months). Unfortunately, whenever I get triggered and start thinking of her past, it interferes with the now... Any advice/thoughts/input/insight?