my thoughts on fdr

[Guest Anonymous]

i have been up last night thinking about this.

i feel the podcasts have not worked for me or my life, i feel massively rejected by the community here, and also feel massively let down by my own agressive, needy behaviour on here as well, i know im not innocent in all this, all i know is that this website brings out the worst in me and makes me feel bad about myself.

its me isnt it,  i just want to get better. i have been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, ocd

i dont why im so obsessed with wanting all your approval to me you all seem like these perfect happy people and i need your approval to become like you all. my friend (who is much wiser than i am) says not to bother with this fdr stuff and to seek my sources elsewhere, and maybe no one on here is perfect there seems to be a few on here with the same history as myself ie abuse.

i was wondering whether or not this neediness or fear of rejection is a fear of abandonment, something my mother did often with me, and maybe all this anger ive directed to people is actually anger that should be directed (not physically) towards her ie assignment of blame?

i also want people who think negatively of me on here to know i am sorry for the way ive acted and lead an incredibly lonely life

 i just want to be wanted by people i know it begins with me but i dont want to be me - all i do is ruin things - i just want to change.

[mikrob]

 I dated a woman with BPD for five years. Some of the best & worst times of my life. As I'm sure you know BPD's are self-destructive. Anything you love (including philosophy forums) are going to turn into something to hate. No amount of external acceptance from others is going to work long term as BPD's will turn on those who love them. Only internal self-acceptance will work.Which is extremely rare (but possible) with BPD's.

[TheRobin]

Hey Keith,

for what it's worth, here are some thoughts on what I get from your post, looking from the outside in so to speakFrom what you write it makes perfect sense to me, that fdr brings out a lot of anger in you. You describe "the community" as one big perfect happy thing, which you need to adapt to and which you feel unable to meet its standards. The first thought that comes to my mind hearing that description is being a kid and having to adopt to the parents standards and being rejected for simply being yourself. It's very healthy and natural that this makes you angry, so I'm not surprised that fdr brings out "the worst" in you, though I wouldn't call it bad, it's a very healthy and accurate reaction to being in such a situation and since no one can express that anger when he is a kid the anger accumulates over time and now, when a similar scenario presents itself, will try to (finally) express itself.You also say you feel rejected, but end with saying you don't want to be you. And you say that your anger is "the worst in you", which is itself a form of rejection towards yourself. So regardless of what you're gonna do or where you're going from here, it's probably a good idea, to not reject your anger and be honest and curious about its origins, letting it express itself and be acknowledged. Since not being acknowledged (being rejected) let to the surpression in the first place, continuing to reject it can't and won't help.Also, there's nothing wrong with violent torture or murder fantasies in that regard, should they come up. I personally found those both helpful and very healthy, when I finally allowed myself to let my own anger towards my parents express itself.It's also literally impossible to want someone who doesn't want himself. Since not wanting yourself means you self-erase to some degree, so that directly erases the person who could be wanted in the first place (hope that makes sense). What I mean to say is, that as long as you reject yourself, it's simply impossible for anyone else to connect to you, so no one outside of you can do anything to break that cycle for you.I'm truly sorry for what you've gone through in your life. I can't even imagine what kind of horrors you experienced in your childhood that you ended up with borderline, anxiety disorder, ocd and depression. So I hope these thoughts can help you somewhat and I wish you the best of succes in finding a way to heal these wounds.

 

 

 

[Stephen C]

 

 

i have been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, ocd

 

 

Sounds like those doctors got you all fucked up. bro.

I diagnose you with an abusive upbringing surrounded by people that forced you to split, twist and bend yourself in order to survive. 

[AdamC]

i feel the podcasts have not worked for me or my life, i feel massively rejected by the community here, and also feel massively let down by my own agressive, needy behaviour on here as well, i know im not innocent in all this, all i know is that this website brings out the worst in me and makes me feel bad about myself.

I sympathize with your frustration.

It may be worth considering that forum posts are only words, and podcasts only sounds – and that you just can't get the full spectrum of real-time relational/biological resonance and reassurance you need from such impersonal means.

Some perspective from Stan Tatkin's couples therapy that seems to confirm much of what you are experiencing:

The anticipation of relationship failure is as
psychobiologically wired for the angry resistant individual, as
autoregulation and indifference are for the avoidant individual. The strategy of the angry resistant individual is to
offset anticipatory disappointment and failure through negativistic
conduct, a personality feature influenced by early childhood
development... Driven by hope that is dashed instantly by the
anticipation of failure, the angry resistant individual employs
negativism as a control mechanism against dependency. The angry
resistant individual ‘knows’, with certainty from within his or her
body, what is to come from hope, and it is bad. This becomes what is, in
essence, an allergy to hope. While the avoidant individual is allergic to dependency, the angry resistant is allergic to hope.

As a result of their negative early life experiences with preoccupied
caregiver(s), angry resistant partners often present with problems with
self-regulation. Easily overtaxed by
responsibilities (e.g., school, work, marriage, children), angry
resistant individuals often view themselves not only as overwhelmed, but
as envious of and threatened by their partner’s ability to do whatever
he or she wants. Feeling the underdog, angry resistant individuals complain about not getting the help they need or deserve.

The meta complaints of angry resistant individuals
may appear situational, but really are global and not so easily managed.
Their complaints include worries about a partner’s unreliability or
recalcitrance, rejection, being neglected or punished, being wrong,
being deprived (usually of love and affection), unfair treatment,
injustice, confusion, ambivalence, and being hurt or wounded. They
are unable to remember ever feeling this way before, yet such
sensitivities originate very early in childhood as relational trauma
involving caregivers. Inwardly, they believe something is wrong with
them, that they are a burden to their partner, that they are too needy,
and that they don’t deserve to be loved in the way they long to be.

People are hurt by people, and only people can repair those injuries. No
one is better positioned to repair injuries than the primary
relationship partner, and the couple therapist can promote this. The
angry resistant’s negativism both engages and pushes away, as we have
seen. The angry resistant’s partner, regardless of his or her own
attachment orientation, likely will be faced with an ongoing challenge
to remain undaunted by the waxing and waning of this negativism. The
partner must come to understand in therapy that the corrective
counter-movement is to move forward on the angry resistant (in
friendliness) and not away. Angry resistant
individuals expect their partner to move away, pull back, or otherwise
rebuke their cloaked wish for the angry resistant partner to override
his or her negativism. The true hope of angry resistant individuals
is that their most important other, their partner will see beyond their
negativism and recognise it for what it is: a real bid for patience
and understanding; kindness and compassion; and ultimate reassurance
that the angry resistant is not a burden, overly needy, or destined for
rejection. In other words:

• She: [approach and reunion] “You are so handsome. I love you.”
• He: [angry resistant reaction to approach and reunion] “Yeah, right. Tell that to someone who’ll believe you.”
• She: [typical but wrong response] “Forget it. You’re impossible.”
• She: [corrective response] “You are my handsome man and I – LOVE – YOU.” [she kisses him]

Allergic to Hope: Angry Resistant Attachment and a One-Person Psychology within a Two-Person Psychological System (PDF)

[LovePrevails]

Keith please recount some experiences fro your life where you have felt hapiness or contentment

 

also please give some examples of a few things you have learned (from any source) that were of some utility in your life, and how that knowledge improved your life in some way or another

 

not a test or anything, I just think knowing some of these things might help me offer you something useful

[AnarcoB]

Sorry to hear about your struggles.

As far as the board community and your feelings towards it, I think I can relate.  It seems like a great place to connect.  I have not had that experience.  In fact my impression seems to fit with the following analogy I've come up with.

Imagine a huge round room.  You, or someone else creates it to discuss a specific idea.  Its entire outer wall is lined with closed doors.  People from all over the world enter the room unseen by anyone else, one at a time. They go to the middle of the room where a table is placed.  On that table are tablets of paper and a pencil.  One person at a time can enter the room and write anything they desire on a sheet from the tablet.  They then must leave before anyone else can enter to read what they have written.  Pretty soon, piles of notes accumulate in this "discussion".  You never see any of the other participants, and it may take a week to write what would normally occur in 2 minutes of face to face discussion.  Tangents, distractions, and the limitations of the written notes abound.

Just my 2 cents.