Emotional hiding from wife

[saveyourself1]

when the fear, anxiety, anger hits me...

Well, I'm trying to decide what to do about custody and visitation for my daughter. I can't afford a lawyer, that's for sure, so I want to find out what I can do about custody in the courts to have fair access to my daughter. The only option I have as of now, with my wife's consent, is seeing her in public with her present. When she is though, I have anxiety/fear/anger/, and I would prefer not to be there at all. I have tried to ignore these feelings, or take deep breathes and recognize them, but it doesn't work, I know they are provoked by my wife, and I know some of it has to do with my childhood, but most of it has to do with her reactions - like she reinforces a lot of my childhood fears I had growing up. She openly rejects, ridicules me, etc. For example, she'll go off and tell me how wrong it is to use a dirty sponge on my child's inner thigh that I washed thoroughly before using - and then tell me I'm an endagerment to my daughter because of that and will only accept me being with her in public. Or, I'll be looking at my daughter in the mirror with her and she'll be nervous, worried etc. and not trust me and start a fight with me for being with her without her (I locked the door). The thing is I don't like my wife at all, and that's putting it very nicely. I don't want her to be present in the same shopping center as me, I wouldn't feel comfortable with her being in an aisle over from me, and has way more to do with her being skeptical of my parenting, but moreso of the hurtful and just plain wrong things she says about me. For instance, she called me Narcissistic, unimaginative, twisted, unempathetic, uncurious, suggested I need a psychiatrist, mean, rude - told me "I don't see it" - and it's not these mere accussations that trigger my feelings in and of themselves. It's the fact that when she does I ask what she means by that and what she's going off of etc. and she calls that "abusive" and spent three whole days, trying to convince me it was wrong for me not to just "trust" her "accept" what she says. I told her, if what you say is true, then I would really need you to point it out for me to see it. It would be like asking a blindfolded man to find a pig without proper use of his senses (gave a similar analogy) - it's virtually impossible. And even if it is, if she has this information, it would be really helpful for me to know. After I finally continued to argue against these points until they became dust, she started to open up more a little. She said it's rude to interrupt people..... She said it's rude to use a dirty sponge on her......  I told her (reminding her) of all the accusations she's made of me, and told her that she must have some knowledge of the term, so I want to make sure I"m correct about what she's saying, so if she could define them and clearly show how I'm breaking them. She reluctantly agreed, then she told me she'd send me an email at 3pm. 3pm came, never sent it. by 6 pm, and a few excuses later, she told me that she's scared to send it because I'm just going to twist it and not believe what she's saying. I was getting really angry, because she seriously has called me these things to no avail, over and over again and as I tried to understand each one in argument as she called me the accusation, she'd just accue me of something else. And now, being separated from the event, and her accusing me of these things so I can look at the evidence clearly, she never sent me the message. I told her nevermind. She said more than just what I put here, but she was butterring it up like if i disagreed with her or whatever that it was because I was twisting or there was something wrong with me. This is coming from the person who says I'm brainwashing here when I'm asking her questions and explaining myself.....anyhow, this is just one example of seriously, hundreds, of what goes on. I'm in desperate need of a 3rd party, I'm going to counselling tomorrow and this is going to be the subject, but man o man, I wish the answer on what to do for my daughter was clear.