Alan C. Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 [view:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AOJXOoQz3k:640:390]
AdamC Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Kohut demonstrated his interest in how we develop our “sense of self” using narcissism as a model. If a person is narcissistic, it will allow him to suppress feelings of low self-esteem. By talking highly of himself, the person can eliminate his sense of worthlessness. ...children need to idealize and emotionally “sink into” and identify with the idealized competence of admired figures. They also need to have their self-worth reflected back (“mirrored”) by empathic and care-giving others. These experiences allow them to thereby learn the self-soothing and other skills that are necessary for the development of a healthy (cohesive, vigorous) sense of self. For example, therapists become the idealized parent and through transference the patient begins to get the things he has missed. The patient also has the opportunity to reflect on how early the troubling relationship led to personality problems. Narcissism arises from poor attachment at an early age. Heinz Kohut When things go very wrong in childhood, for whatever reason — an alcoholic parent, bitter divorce, mental illness in those around you, a mother with bipolar disorder or a father with highly narcissistic behavior — it almost always damages you at your roots and deforms you psychically, just like a birth defect or physical handicap. You may feel fundamentally afraid and insecure in the world. You might find it impossible to love and trust other people. You could be prone to violent emotional outbursts or struggle with an addiction yourself. If the environment is toxic, we’re almost always damaged by it in lasting ways. With my clients, I often talk about mental scars or psychological handicaps. They impose limitations and have to be taken into account just as you would a physical handicap. It is the awareness of being damaged, often an unconscious awareness, that I refer to as basic shame. It is intrinsic and internal, though we may confuse it with the outside world: those of us who are troubled by basic shame dread being seen and usually fear that others will look down upon us. We feel as if we are “ugly” or “deformed”. We may be burdened by a feeling of self-hatred throughout our lives. The feeling that you’re damaged and fundamentally different from other people may become so painful, so unbearable that you have to disown it: you may project it outside (blame) or finds ways to deny it (narcissism). My particular defense against basic shame (or one of them!) is to take refuge in the idea that I’m somehow very special. If I’m not careful or if I’ve had too much to drink, I may on occasion wind up talking as if I’m doing something incredibly creative, or I’m especially talented: a great cook, musician, writer, etc. You get the picture. Whenever I find myself talking this way, a searing sense of humiliation comes over me — shame at the egotistical way I’m talking, and shame for my underlying damage. Basic Shame, Toxic Shame
fzu Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I watched some of these videos before, and it hit me really hard- many of these things he speaks about is identical to myself.That being said, thanks for posting so others could see.
Stephen C Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 He starts off the video "My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of..." then the video lagged / froze and I was imagining he was going to say "alllllll these books you see on the shelves behind me". Great video. He's put a lot of effort into explaining Nacissism. Thanks for sharing [View:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMiUSujAV-0]
Alan C. Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 ...it hit me really hard- many of these things he speaks about is identical to myself. While each of us possesses narcissistic traits to some degree, the fact that you're able to recognize them in yourself, and express displeasure, suggests that you do not have NPD. People with NPD lack self-awareness (because they're completely enveloped by the narcissistic personality) and will vociferously deny that there is anything wrong with them.
Summerstone Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 ...it hit me really hard- many of these things he speaks about is identical to myself. While each of us possesses narcissistic traits to some degree, the fact that you're able to recognize them in yourself, and express displeasure, suggests that you do not have NPD. People with NPD lack self-awareness (because they're completely enveloped by the narcissistic personality) and will vociferously deny that there is anything wrong with them. Thank you for posting this. It seems that grieving and self-awareness are the antidotes to becoming overwhelmed by one's own narcissism. I know that grieving, for me, is like flushing my system out and reconnecting with the humility that I am not without flaw. The more grieving I can break through to, the more compassion I develop for others and for myself. I was enlightened by Sam's commentary on Obama, as well.
PeterS Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 As mentioned above me, his videos and form of presentation hit me hard too, I always feel this sense of hopelessness and despair as if I am 100% match (also many times he speaks in angles of how to deal with narcissists and this is something I reexperience as a rejection - some sort of advice for people to avoid me or deal with me as some sort of retard - that resonates with me deeply). Now what is that confuses me the most, some say that thinking that one is a narcissist is a contradiction, others say the exact opposite - they may be cognitively aware but unable or not wanting to do anything about their situation. (I remember Sam Vaknin said that in some of his videos, also its mentioned here).
AdamC Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 As mentioned above me, his videos and form of presentation hit me hard too, I always feel this sense of hopelessness and despair as if I am 100% match (also many times he speaks in angles of how to deal with narcissists and this is something I reexperience as a rejection - some sort of advice for people to avoid me or deal with me as some sort of retard - that resonates with me deeply). Talk of narcissism can feel like further rejection because it taps into shame. Narcissism is one of many defensive strategies against feeling shame. Narcissism is so often discussed in both overt and covert shaming language because people are unconsciously trying to vomit their own shame into others to relieve themselves and to premptively defend against further shaming. In addition to being injected with another's shame, it can feel hopeless when reading about narcissism (or anything that truly resonates with your particular defensive strategy) because you can feel that your "rising above" defense – a defense that is often the very basis of your identity and productivity – is being stripped away, and ... up rushes the underlying shame. Interpersonal Process in Psychotherapy: When developmental problems are pervasive or severe, clients often adopt one of three interpersonal styles: moving toward, moving against, or moving away. This inflexible coping style is a habitual way of relating to others that is also reflected in vocational, marital, and other defining life choices. There are many exceptions, of course, but individuals who move toward may find that careers in nursing or counseling are a good match for their caretaking skills and needs. Individuals who move against may find that careers in law, medicine, or money management are congruent with their interpersonal style of taking charge and needing to be in control. Individuals who move away may feel comfortable as researchers, artists, technical experts who work alone, or individuals in a meditative lifestyle. In their self-concept, many clients will privately frame this defensive coping style as a special attribute or virtue and use it to feel special and rise above their core conflict. That is, clients do not experience their interpersonal strategy as a defensive coping system to avoid anxiety and low self-esteem but as a virtuous way of relating to others that may make them feel special. However, this unrealistic sense of being special is compensatory and actually reflects their low self-esteem or shame-based sense of self. Their self-worth is brittle and vulnerable – it relies too much on their ability to rise above their core conflicts by pleasing others, by achieving and succeeding, or by withdrawing and feeling cynically superior. In these ways, clients frame their defensive interpersonal coping style as a superior quality or virtue. More contemporary therapists write about "narcissistic" element in many types of clients who are defending against a shame-based self. They describe what clients do to "restore" their sense of self-worth or power when they (too readily) feel shamed and overreact to feeling rejected or diminished by others or that they have failed in some way.
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