empyblessing Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 I'm hurting real bad inside. I coulnd't stay calm. I kept shouting at her because I grew so angry. I had a prepared statement I made about love and abuse. I brought up the way she used to beat and humiliate me. I had no plans on doing it today but she called me after I had tolder her twice I didn't want to speak with her till I was ready. She didn't listen. My needs have always been less than hers. She couldn't admit what she did was wrong. She couldn't admit she abused her child. She showed no regret and no sympathy. She was so defensive. She told me I made up all the memories I had about her. I wanted to wait to confront her until after I talked it over with a therapist but she called and asked me why I wasn't talking to her. I wanted to her hurt her so I told her I hated her. I know she comes from a childhood of abuse as well. She wanted to go behind my back and talk to my dad. I'm 31 and she can't trust me or respect me. I feel so vulnerable now.
Stephen C Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 [{] She attempted to erase you. I'm sorry. :(You do exist, you haven't made up any memories. [View:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua47SXnthxA]
MarisaO Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 So sorry to hear you had this experience. Talking about childhood abuse with parents can be incredibly difficult. I really hope you can attempt to talk things out with her and a family therapist to help sort things out.
empyblessing Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 Well I talked with my dad. It went much better. The two divorced 22 years ago and haven't had much contact. My father hit me once that I recall but as soon as I brought it up he apologized. It's amazing seeing the difference in reactions from my mother to my father. My dad totally destroyed the stereotype that men were less sympatheic. I feel closer to him than I have since I was a child and he shared his own story of abuse. One of the things I'm afraid of is that my mother is going to go behind my back and try to have me committed in a mental hospital. My dad thinks it's silly and that she would never do that but I'm still afraid. I have a history of mental illness. Right now the rest of the family doesn't know. I'm not sure if it's going to stay that way or not. The good thing is that I don't live with her or depend on her for money for survival. The most I'm going to lose is her affection - which I don't want anyway - and she occasionaly would give me money as well. I'm not close to anyone in the family but my dad either so I'm not stressed about being kicked out of family gatherings. I got my dad on my side. I don't use drugs and my life is pretty stable financially. So how do I feel about how things went? At first I regretted what I did and I felt a lot of guilt. While she wasn't empathic to me at all she did end the conversation in tears. Hopefully that spark of guilt will let her look within and change. After a few minutes after confronting her I already feel better, a little lighter. I'll be getting back into therapy within a week or so and I'll be able to get things together. I think longterm this is going to be really good. My dad thinks I should forgive her but I can't unless she becomes apologetic or I think I can heal because of it. Could you share more on what erasing me meant? Also, are there any videos I could show her to help her deal with guilt or denial?
Stephen C Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 She did the complete opposite of validate your experience of reality. She implied your experiences / memories are not valid or based in the real world. She implied you are mentally ill / insane. This is why you fear she will try to have you commited, because she would like to believe you are mentally ill / insane. You cannot help your mother, you cannot help your father. Every effort you put into helping either one of them, or anyone else that supports their position will only harm you.
empyblessing Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 She did the complete opposite of validate your experience of reality. She implied your experiences / memories are not valid or based in the real world. She implied you are mentally ill / insane. This is why you fear she will try to have you commited, because she would like to believe you are mentally ill / insane. You cannot help your mother, you cannot help your father. Every effort you put into helping either one of them, or anyone else that supports their position will only harm you. Thank you. Your help has been great. I'm already feeling better, better in fact than I have for a long time. Years have passed and I've not felt this way. For a moment I might say I was happy - unburdened - but I would not say it too loudly for fear the courage to grow might shrink and I would recoil from my reflection. I think things will improve now.
MarisaO Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 She did the complete opposite of validate your experience of reality. She implied your experiences / memories are not valid or based in the real world. She implied you are mentally ill / insane. This is why you fear she will try to have you commited, because she would like to believe you are mentally ill / insane. You cannot help your mother, you cannot help your father. Every effort you put into helping either one of them, or anyone else that supports their position will only harm you. Thank you. Your help has been great. I'm already feeling better, better in fact than I have for a long time. Years have passed and I've not felt this way. For a moment I might say I was happy - unburdened - but I would not say it too loudly for fear the courage to grow might shrink and I would recoil from my reflection. I think things will improve now. I'm glad you feel so relieved, but I'm confused by this interaction. Does Stephen know more about your situation than has been posted? In particular, I don't understand Stephen's closing sentence about any effort you put in towards helping your parents or anyone who supports their position is hurting yourself. You said that your experience with your dad was very different, so I don't see what position they're united in that is so dangerous to you. Can you explain?
empyblessing Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 She did the complete opposite of validate your experience of reality. She implied your experiences / memories are not valid or based in the real world. She implied you are mentally ill / insane. This is why you fear she will try to have you commited, because she would like to believe you are mentally ill / insane. You cannot help your mother, you cannot help your father. Every effort you put into helping either one of them, or anyone else that supports their position will only harm you. Thank you. Your help has been great. I'm already feeling better, better in fact than I have for a long time. Years have passed and I've not felt this way. For a moment I might say I was happy - unburdened - but I would not say it too loudly for fear the courage to grow might shrink and I would recoil from my reflection. I think things will improve now. I'm glad you feel so relieved, but I'm confused by this interaction. Does Stephen know more about your situation than has been posted? In particular, I don't understand Stephen's closing sentence about any effort you put in towards helping your parents or anyone who supports their position is hurting yourself. You said that your experience with your dad was very different, so I don't see what position they're united in that is so dangerous to you. Can you explain? I'm pretty sure he was confused about my dad. My dad is supporting me all the way. I noticed that too after I posted but forgot to mention it and then got distracted by some music.
Stephen C Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Sorry, I don't think I'm confused about your father.
Alan C. Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 She told me I made up all the memories I had about her. This is called gaslighting.
empyblessing Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 Sorry, I don't think I'm confused about your father. It's pretty moot. I live with my father. There's no way I could cut him off from my life now. I'm in the process of moving out but it takes time.
Stephen C Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 Sorry, I don't think I'm confused about your father. It's pretty moot. I live with my father. There's no way I could cut him off from my life now. I'm in the process of moving out but it takes time. I haven't suggested that you cut anyone off or move. What's pretty moot?
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