Is it ok if your partner is attracted to another person?

[jester7707]

My girlfriend expresses her attraction to other men while talking to friends (Joking around about a "hunk") or liking a photo or two on facebook. It's not everyday but probably I hear/see see her expressing that about once every month or two. When I do see this behaivior I feel sad and jelous. I feel silly for posting about this situation right now. Are these feelings in me justified when I see her expressing that? Am I just dealing with an underlying problem? Thank you for reading.

[Dirt McGirt]

Is it okay for your partner to be attracted to others?  Absolutely.  It's normal and healthy.  If you were the only one she was ever attracted to, there'd be something wrong.  And I don't think being attracted to others means she's not attracted to you.

Now, that being said, it seems as though she's telling you about her attractions to manipulate you and break you down.  Can you think of why she'd do that?

[Alan C.]

If I were affectionately involved with a woman, I wouldn't joke around with other guys about other women being hot, or remarking about their features, or browsing through photos of women online. I'd consider it disrespectful, inconsiderate, and a betrayal of her trust and confidence. I'd want her to have peace-of-mind knowing that she never has to worry.

I'd feel pretty bad if she didn't extend the same courtesy to me.

[jester7707]

  Thank you both for the quick replies. I agree with both of you on this. I do have a jealousy/insecurity problems so, I wan’t sure if my mind is just clouded with this.      Dirt McGirt, I can think of some reasons. We went through a hard time in our relationship about 3 months ago. It's a long story but it probably help to know this.      We were arguing allot (Almost everyday) and in a last resort type of conclusion to this I decided to move out of her house just for a month to be able to try to solve our problem with our relationship. I expressed that to her but she didn’t take it so well. She was very upset with it and I later found out she cried everyday that I was gone. The first week it didn’t really work all that well. I made a really bad mistake by telling her that I wanted to be with someone who was more sexually open to do different things and that I don’t know if I can continue to be with her if she doesn’t feel the same way. A couple days passed and I told her that I was very sorry for saying that to her and that it was a very wrong of me to say that. And that I regretted it.     She said she really appreciates me saying that and said she needs to think about things and she needs time to herself. After I found that out I became very scared to lose her so I kept asking her what she needs to think about and if she is going to leave me for the next couple of days. I pushed her allot to answer these questions until she finally decided to leave me and just be friends for awhile. Which was my worst fear at the time.     She expressed more over time of what was our problem in the relationship when we did go out. She said she felt as though I'd ignore her by playing on the computer or video-games most of the day and that I would get annoyed when she tried to talk to me about this. Also that she felt she was just a roommate with me and not a girlfriend. I personally felt she was mostly right. At the time this was going on I was working with a verbally abusive manager. I felt this contributed to my anti social behavior and sadness back then. I felt as though she didn’t try to make it perfectly clear that what I was doing was unacceptable and needs to be remedied in some way. She would just mention a problem and leave it at that.     We would go on dates every now and then to rekindle our love for each-other. she revealed to me that she has been talking to a man off of xbox live about us and to get general advice from. She had been since before she broke up with me. She told me that everyone in her household believes she has feelings for this man and that she is not sure if she is really having feelings for him so she'll have to think on it for a couple days. I felt utterly heartbroken and betrayed to hear this. A few days had past and she told me that she only sees him as a little brother. (This still bothers me to this day.)     A few weeks passed and she expressed she would like to go out to visit her xbox live friends across the country along with seeing the man she once thought she could have feelings for. Even made a comment that he has a really cool mans cave with a pool table ect. I told her I didn’t like the idea of her being with strangers across the country without me being present. She said she needs freedom to do what she wants and that all her previous relationships she was told what she can or cannot do and that made her lose allot of great opportunities with schooling. During this time I was in a deep depression. I was crying every night and couldn’t sleep all night most nights.     I was sad and angry with how I treated her and felt heartbroken and betrayed by what she had done to me. (talking to this man she barely knew about us instead of me and then allowing herself to possibly developed feelings for him.)  I would get jealous at the most insignificant things she posted on Facebook or talked about with her friends. she would continual say she needs to think about us and she needs her space away from me.Whenever I expressed my jealousy or concerns to her or my friend about this situation I was met with attacks on me about how I'm being too sensitive and jealous over what happened. I felt completely alone and begun to have suicidal thoughts.   After dating awhile we agreed that we can be exclusive again. I realized that if she was going to cheat or lie there was nothing i could do to stop it and that my jealousy was just pushing her away. So, I then told her that she can hang out with anyone she want and go on trips to where ever she wants. I told her she is completely free but, if I find out she lied,cheated,or withheld information I should know about then I would leave her. And these would apply to me too.   She took a complete 180. Come to find out she said that she wanted to travel around and visit friends and needed space from me was because she wanted to make me jealous and stir a response in me. I was angry when I herd this and I explained to her that what she did was partly the reason for my depression, jealousy and suicidal thoughts. By making me live through my worst fear and manipulating my feelings. She apologized to me and I decided to stay with her.   We are moved in together again but with little improvement. We break up and get back together a couple of time now in the past 2 months. She has a bad tendency to snap at me when I say something she doesnt like and I have little patience to deal with her anger sometimes. I'm still pretty jealous of her and on the other hand I sometimes don’t see why I bother being here with her when we can't seem to make things work and I express that to her. She doesn’t want to break up and gets very upset every time I do bring it up. I told her I think much of our problems are due to past abuse we went through. We both want to now see a couples therapist when we can afford one.

[Guest NateC]

 Dude, your relationship sounds miserable...and I mean that with understanding having shared a similar relationship.  Grab a pen and journal; I foresee some personal development in your future.  It hasn't been easy, and I have a ways to go...as Dirt McGirt knows; I blew up at him in the chat room and for that I apologize. 

[Nathan]

You wouldn't be asking this if it were not ok with you.

 

When I do see this behaivior I feel sad and jelous. 

 

I think that's important and say exactly this to her.  Then see how you feel about her response (relieved, visible, invisible, frustrated, angry, happy, sad etc), then, tell her those feelings.

[Waster]

Alex. I was reading your story and i really feel how difficult it is for you. But i miss what it is that keeps you together. I read a lot of negative emotions. But what are the good things? What do you like about your partner and what does she likes about you?

[Livemike]

Are you attracted to women other than your girlfriend?  I'm going to assume yes.  Do you think that means the relationship is somehow weak?  Do you think that means you're going cheat on her, ignore her to spend time with other women or otherwise trat her badly?  Of course not (I hope).  So why do you assume that she is going to do something similar?  That she expresses perfectly natural appreciation for an attractive man doesn't reflect on your relationship, you or anything you should feel bad about.  

 

I think the solution to your problem is to imagine the reverse situation.  If you told your girlfriend that you rented "Gia" in part because it had a nude scene with Angelina Jollee should she be sad or jealous?  Or course not.  Reassure yourself you need not feel insecure merely because every few weeks she mentions that she finds Brad Pitt attractive.  My father found Goldie Hawn attractive for over a decade didn't seem to hurt his marriage (40+ years).  

[jester7707]

   Nchambers42, Nathan, Waster, and Livemike thank you all for taking your time out to read and giving me your input. I really appreciate it.    Nchambers42, That sounds like a wise idea. Maybe if I sort out all the good and bad I'll see my relationship more from an outside perspective. In any case, it can't harm to do so.   Nathan, I have told her and she does usually act in a positive manner by being very sweet and reasurring about her faithfulness. I question it allot and feel sorry for doing so afterwards. It's hard to trust again after she allowed herself to possibly develop feelings for another. I want nothing more than to get over it and not to be jealous anymore.   Waster, I can say that lately it seems that there is more negative aspects then positive but, I feel that there is 2 main reasons for our relationship problems that can alleviate this constant tension between us. Maybe not make our relationship picture perfect but make it decently positive and headed in the right direction. One is my constant jealousy. The other is her being quick to anger when someone triggers it within her by reminding her of her past abuse she endured. For example, you or I could say something that seems pretty normal to us but it would irritate or anger her.   What I like about my partner? I like that she can be for the most part sweet, caring, understanding, and like a best friend to me. That some of my views may be different from hers but she doesn’t attack me for having them. I like how she is good with kids and animals. I like that she wants to get married someday and have a family. I like how she enjoys making others happy.   She told me that she loves that I'm caring, sweet, and gentle. She believes that I'm a good person. She loves that I'm passionate about my interest and that i can be playful. She likes that I'm good with children and animals and that she loves my mannerisms.    Livemike, You do bring up a good point on one hand but, I do feel simular to how Alan Chapman explains it. It seems disrespectful to me by blatantly saying you are attracted to another while in a relationship. And in my opinion (witch may be false.) I feel like I'm lacking something that is mostly out of my control when she does this. In my opinion it seems like she is openly stating that she wished to have what I lacked by publicly showing that interest to another person. I don’t personally do that in my relationship. In the past I may have said that some woman is pretty but I never gawked over a woman in the entirety of all my relationships. 

[SimonF]

 

Are these feelings in me justified when I see her expressing that? Am I just dealing with an underlying problem?

 

I don't think your feelings need to be justified, they are just an aspect of you. In fact using the word justified kind of suggest to me you are thinking your feelings are wrong in some way.

Part of an underlying problem, I would say almost certainly yes. And exploring these feelings and trying to understand their origins could be a very richly rewarding exercise.

I have been in a polyamourous relationship with my partner for over 4 years right from our start together. We both sincerely believe that it is natural and healthy to find other people attractive, have love for them and be able to engage in relationships with other lovers (not that we have been so prolific with this, we are quite selective).

We start from the principle that our body is our own property, as is our life and that we do not belong to each other. We also understand that in order to be consistent it must be the case that if we are having 1 relationship, then 2 or more must be ok as well. Certainly openly stating attaction to others is doing nothing wrong, unless of course it is somehow being used as an emotional attack.

So what about the feelings. My partner occassionally gets triggered into jealousy that only seems to last afew minutes occassionally when I have relationships with other women, more usually she is happy though that I have found more love. I get envious of her liasons usually, but after some weeks of painful emotional processing some time ago I concluded that a lot of my difficult emotions on this arise from parental abandonment and neglect. Afterall it cannot be wrong to love more people or have sex with them, so the bad feelings come from another experience IMO.

[SimonF]

As to some of the other points being made, I don't like the idea of not being able to express all of my thougts and feelings with my beloved, especially when they concern attraction to others.I am not in this relationship to hide who I really am, in fact quite the opposite. For me a conscious loving relatioship demands that we reveal our whole selves and embrace them.

[Livemike]

 

   Nchambers42, Nathan, Waster, and Livemike thank you all for taking your time out to read and giving me your input. I really appreciate it.

   What I like about my partner? I like that she can be for the most part sweet, caring, understanding, and like a best friend to me. That some of my views may be different from hers but she doesn’t attack me for having them. I like how she is good with kids and animals. I like that she wants to get married someday and have a family. I like how she enjoys making others happy.

   She told me that she loves that I'm caring, sweet, and gentle. She believes that I'm a good person. She loves that I'm passionate about my interest and that i can be playful. She likes that I'm good with children and animals and that she loves my mannerisms.

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   Livemike, You do bring up a good point on one hand but, I do feel simular to how Alan Chapman explains it. It seems disrespectful to me by blatantly saying you are attracted to another while in a relationship. And in my opinion (witch may be false.) I feel like I'm lacking something that is mostly out of my control when she does this. In my opinion it seems like she is openly stating that she wished to have what I lacked by publicly showing that interest to another person. I don’t personally do that in my relationship. In the past I may have said that some woman is pretty but I never gawked over a woman in the entirety of all my relationships.

 

  Ok I think you're worrying about what you lack and what you think she thinks you lack, instead of focusing on what you have that she wants.   What you have is more significant than what you lack in this context.  The proof of that is you're together.  Therefore you spend less time worrying about whether you're perfect for her.  You're not.  If she rubbed a magic lamp before she met you she could have got a better boyfriend than you, and if you had you could have got a better girlfriend than her.  Neither of you are smart as EInstein, fit as Usain Bolt, sexy as Brad Pitt  in his prime, nice as whoever the nicest guy in the world is, as good around the house as Bob Vila, etc. etc. .  Me neither.  

  So what does her occasional comment on another man's sexiness imply?  Nothing other then that she is non-lesbian.  It doesn't mean you lack physical attractiveness compared to the men she says are physical attractive.  Even if it did, so what?  On balance she still prefers you.  I think it is disrespectful to insist your girlfriend pretend she doesn't find other men attractive.  If I didn't know you had a girlfriend and I said "So-and-so is very attractive. " would you feel obliged to lie about whether you agreed?  Even if you knew your girlfriend would know the truth anyway?  I think what we're dealing with is your own insecurities.  I could tell you that you have no need to feel insecure, but the truth is she's already told you that by being with you in the first place.  Whoever gave you the impression that you need to be worried about more attractive men taking your girlfriends you should start ignoring them.  Not easy I know but worth it.   Good luck.[/font]