Please help. Needing to Break up With Mom

[Jamie]

The only family I still deal with is my Mother, and it's killing me. I can't take it any more to the point that I'm about to have a freaking angsiety attack if not a small break down. It would be so easy if she wasn't a compleat noose around the neck. Her life is falling apart, and she did it to herself. Unfortunatly she is pulling all the guilt games she can right now. I may just be being paranoid, but I think she is causing it because she feels that I'm out the door and is trying to trap me. She is about to lose her appartment and/or electricity, and she just got hit over the head with the fact that her now ex-online "boyfriend" is an african scammer (mail scam), not in that order. She has already been giving me the suicide calls and the  "I pray every night for god to take me out of this world" calls, not to mention the "I don't wan't to make you feel guilty, I understand you can't help me but I had a premenition that I will be dead by the end of the year" a few minuts ago. Every call has that desperate whine to it, and I'm going crazy.

I split with her once before. I moved without telling her and let somone else let her know because I couldn't handle the fall out. My mother is great at playing the mayrter... and the demon. Unfortunatly she has my phone number and is emune to the tricks and tips I have heard of so far. The note on the door would land me with a frenzied phone call with the "I'm never going to see you again... it's ok, you won't have to worry about me anymore. good by (<---hinting at suicide)" bullocks, probably with some other nasty stuff interspersed (think name calling and the obligatory "you don't care"). If it's not that obvious yet, I'm an only child of a single mother who was on disability up untill a few years ago. She never dated sense she devorced my father, or worked, or realy even made friends; she barely has contact with any other family and she has only one friend now who is sub-par to say the least... sooo... dependence I guess. I'm at my whits end, and close to a nerviouse break down. I have already had one a few years ago when I was stupid enough (ill informed?) to see my dad again after over a decade. THAT at least had the small benifit of clerifying some things I realy needed to find out (though still something I really wish I didn't have to go through).

By the way, with all this going on, anyone have any good ideas on what to do if you realy need some good mental help but have absolutly no money? I finaly know I can't deal with this alone, but my problems caused me to end up in a fully dependant relationship with a man who preaches that theripy is stupid and I should just stay bussy to deal with it (even though one of the effects of my horible youth is a nearly compleet inurtia, LOL).

Would it help to mention that My dreams around my mother lately have made absolutly no sense and have seemed rather pleasant?

[empyblessing]

What is a nervous break down?

[Alan C.]

Please read Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers and let us know if it applies to your mom.

[Jamie]

 

Please read Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers and let us know if it applies to your mom.

 

My mother has some of the traits, but not all of them, and my worst memories are far worse than that. Though this is definatly my paternal grandmother. me and my mom lived with her until I was 16 and I forced my mom to get us away from that old bat.

My mother was often smothering, and shared to much information too soon, like me knowing nearly all the details of her childhood molestation before I was 14, not to mention all my fathers failings including him being a minut man, uncercomsized and that my mother couldn't go down on him because his junk stank from hardly bathing. She also let me know how she considerd aborting me or giving me up for adoption because my parents were homless at the time (folowed by all the normal lovey "why I couldn't/ But I didn't because.." stuff.)

She would sometimes pretend that she didn't know who I was and ask me how I got into her house "you must be sombody elses little girl." this often led to her draging me across the livingroom floor towards the back door kicking and screaming leaving bruse marks and rug burns. My mother was born with a heart problem and she would often throw herself down on the floor making a loud thud when I was in the other room and proceed to play dead no matter how long I tried to get her up knowing she was playing. This was "To make sure I knew what to do if something actualy happened to her." There were other times she would pretend to be possessed and tell me she wasn't my mother in a scratchy growly voice as I cried and begged her to stop and kept calling out for her. I realy think the realy twisted stuff only stopped because we took in my cousin.

Maybe this can all fit in with narcissism. I can't quite tell. My mother has done many of the things listed in your link including going through all my stuff. I don't know The narcicst sounds more cold to me. My mother was always chaotic fiery bloody cureening insanity metaphoricly speeking. Like Kali eating her children in a psychological sense. Speaking of which, guess which dieties I was drawn to when I looked for religion for myself? Kali and Lilith, the child killers.

Also, I often felt like I was drowning in her emotions. When I was young she would put me into situations that I had to force through to emotional connection as a servival mechanism. I offten felt like the care giver in these situations, having to force eye contact and levy every good emotion I had to calm her and bring her back. She often hinted at suicide which would naturaly mean death to a child, giving me no option but to try and fix it. I had to try to manage her emotions.

Damn it... New memories serficing for me to deal with... I guess this is working for something... I just rememberd my mother slaping me, taking my face and pulling it to her to make eye contact and shaking her finger at me. given how she looks I'd say it was before I was two. also the fact that I can't remember what was coming out of her mouth and can't remember any thoughts.

Sorry for this long ramble. For some reasion it seems I can only jornal publicly. I also have no sense of "need to know information" emotionaly speeking, no doubt due to my mother. O_o

P.S. I have heared this kind of parent child relationship refered to as the Kali/modona complex

[Jamie]

 

Please read Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers and let us know if it applies to your mom.

 

Ok, Sorry... It was hard for me to read this as this is clearly my Grandmother, but I think this is my mother also even though it doesn't fully peg her. She just leaned more to the pitty side to make up for obviouse greavences and was supper heavy on the sacherin "Your my whole world, your so much better than I am" b.s. I guess as an only child the game could definatly be a bit different. I had a lot of aversion to seeing this as my mom. I even physicaly felt like turning away as I was reading it. She played the Maryter a lot more than the "I was only doing it for you" she will also except guilt for something, but make it about herself. She also can't remember most of the things she did to me as a child until I mention them explicitly.

[Jamie]

 

What is a nervous break down?

 

Thank you so much for the question. Your right, that turm realy doesn't mean anything in the long turm. perhaps a realy disterbing break through would be a better  term. I don't know a word for the emotion, short of fear, sadness, horror and angxiety pluss shock. Last time I had a Nervous break down it was more like greaving. That may actualy be a good turm for it, postponed greaving. I don't know why I wan't to hold back on this, but I'll just say it. What trigered it with my father was realising and starting to remember molestation. (my mom even managed to make that about her when I told her) I was at work when this happened and I couldn't do anything but have a crying hopeless angxiety attack.

[Rob_Ilir]

 

Please read Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers and let us know if it applies to your mom.

 

That was a very informative read. Thank you.


Is there a Nfather type that I can read also by any chance? 

[empyblessing]

 

 

What is a nervous break down?

 

Thank you so much for the question. Your right, that turm realy doesn't mean anything in the long turm. perhaps a realy disterbing break through would be a better  term. I don't know a word for the emotion, short of fear, sadness, horror and angxiety pluss shock. Last time I had a Nervous break down it was more like greaving. That may actualy be a good turm for it, postponed greaving. I don't know why I wan't to hold back on this, but I'll just say it. What trigered it with my father was realising and starting to remember molestation. (my mom even managed to make that about her when I told her) I was at work when this happened and I couldn't do anything but have a crying hopeless angxiety attack.

 

If the emotion scares you than consider the source of the fear. Are you afraid of disociating from reality? It's very unlikely, perhaps impossible for you. Reliving the trama of childhood is the opposite of insanity but many fear the process so much that they drive that fear deep into others, including mental health professionals, as way of avoiding it in themselves. 

Reliving this trauma is growth. Often, when a person grows they shed their hard shell and become this squishy, vulnerable child who has few defenses against a harsh reality. Being alone or with a compassionate observer to cry it out or rage it out will help. It will pass and it will go faster if you direct the emotions towards the source and not project onto others.

I'm sorry for all the pain your mother caused. You have my sympathy. 

I'd give you a hug cause it's obvious you need it but you're too far away. 

[PatrickC]

Very sorry to hear about the way your mother is acting. It's a dreadful imposition to put on a person, particularly when it's your own children. Personally my instinct is to say run, very fast and very far, but I recognise that is easier said than done.

One of the ways you can approach this is by asking yourself which of the parts of yourself are stopping you. What (and why) do they fear about no longer interacting with your mother. The part that fears losing her might have some useful insight for you which you may have not understood before. You can then start the process of gently and firmly negotiating with yourself. Of course since you mentioned the possibility of an anxiety attack, there can be some very conflicting parts competeing to be heard. Concentrating on the needs of these parts will go along way in calming them down, and in turn will bring you to a more agreeable solution.

Unfortunately it's often just not enough to have the moral intellectual grounding from first principles. Very often we must explore the seemingly irrational sides of ourselves, as a means to becoming more rational. Sometimes those irrational parts were once very rational whilst we were defenceless children. However, as adults we no longer need them, but we remain respectful to them as parts that protected us as children. The process is similar to (peaceful) parenting yourself, using reason and evidence as the cornerstone to that negotiation. Best wishes.

[Jamie]

This turned out to be much milder than it seemed it could become. I think I have the gentle questions you to gave me that helped. they gave me some real derection.

The fear was linked to several things. I was afraid of dealing with her in the near future, and afraid to see the catasrophic truth of the situation. the idea that she has been getting off to all the termoil she has put me through makes me angry... well, it almost made me sick at first, but then angry. Vulnerability is also a big thing to fear at the moment... My mom helped goad me into a relationship with somone who is no doubt a N-type also and I've managed to become fully financialy dependent on him over the years; not to mention I have been sepperated from anyone who could posibly help me get on me feet. At this piont I have an Nmother, Nboyfriend and one sturdy friendship with a girl a bit more broken and blind to her own Nfamily who she is dependant on.

Great late breaking news, my mother just called and was going on about a lot of stuff folowed by the "I'm not losing you to" caviate. Couldn't bring myself to lie and things turned out to be realy civil when I operated with ohnesty and integrity pointing out the flaws in her arguments in a generaly calm matter. The difference in her tone of voice and maturity was freaking unbelivable. If feels do damn good to be true... ok... it is to good to be true, I suddenly feel guilt and imagin my mom sobbing after we hung up. worse yet, right before she had to go to work. How am I suposed to sleep now!?

[Jamie]

Thank you for your reply xelent. I feel draind of the relationship. it was stress over the fall out and a sense of guilt that was putting me on hault. as any skilled maipulator, she's good at working a situation to where I can be put to blame by both of us. Same thing has been happening again. My fix was placing the guilt and anger sqarely where it belongs. Now I'm just afraid of her trying to crawl back into my life. By the way, it was a feeling of guilt that got me to let her back into my life in the first place.

[MarisaO]

I am so sorry to read what you're going through. It sounds like a very stressful and difficult situation. I think it makes sense to want to distance yourself from toxic family, but I would highly recommend trying to express how you feel about your family with a professional family therapist present. If your family refuses to go with you, I would still try and see someone individually. Your situation sounds very chaotic and you sound emotionally drained. I think a therapist will know how to help you 100 times better than anyone on this forum. I hope you find some peace soon.

 

[Alan C.]

So sorry, Jamie. That was wrenching to read. Your mom sounds very maladjusted and unstable to me.

A therapist can help you process the abuse which was inflicted upon you, but won't be able to protect you from more abuse. It may become necessary to take measures to insulate yourself from your mother if she continues to manipulate and abuse you.

[Jamie]

There is realy too much that has happend over the years for me to even talk about everything genaricly here, some of it was very subtle for a long time. My teen years changed that, as any deviation from standards whas met with heaps of abuse. My mother would even often nudge me in a certain derection only to later emotionaly punish me for it. Like encoraging me to decide on religion for myself, when any casual observer could tell I was highly interested in historical and forign culures and then get abusive when it comes out that I decided I was Pagan. This is the first time I can remember her showing me that she was capable of being physicaly abusive twards me with truly malicious intent. She kept goating me on to put this pentagram necklace a friend lent me on, saying I should be proud and not have to hide it "if this is who you are" and proceded to rip it off my neck, slap me in the face and deride me for both the action and refusing to comply sooner. Basicly, I realize I don't wan't to be around people like that, even if they are my FOO, especialy when they clearly don't change. They already compleatly screwed me up, why should I give them a chance to cause more harm?

Also, I do plan to find a way to go to theripy even though I don't know how I will do it yet, and I'm not sure how to find one I can truly oppen up good. I am fuly capable of talking about an injustice and humiliation I have gone through without actualy being emotionaly availible, making it even more important to find help I ohnestly feel like I can trust.

 

[Dave Bockman]

I am fuly capable of talking about an injustice and humiliation I have gone through without actualy being emotionaly availible, making it even more important to find help I ohnestly feel like I can trust.

Yes, if I may offer up my amateur opinion, please avoid doing that.

Although I'm sure the reasons from refraining from doing that are not strictly bilateral, here are the two major possibilities as I see it:

1. The person you are talking to *is* emotionally available, empathetic, and feels the pain and emotion you are refusing to feel. This is a very unhealthy interaction for both of you, as you 'pass the poison' off to that other person without any benefit for you except a fleeting cessation of anxiety. The other person also does not benefit as a witness to your pain when you do not acknowledge that pain to yourself.

2. The person you are talking to is equally emotionally unavailable, disassociated, withdrawn, etc. or worse, they are there listening as a possible means of exploitation towards you. Telling an emotionally withdrawn person something deeply personal and troubling is an empirical way of not treating yourself or your feelings well, regardless of their reaction spectrum (disinterest, boredom, scoffing, defending the actions of your abusers, and so forth) sets up a paradigm that further harms your exiled, feeling parrts needing tender sympathy and righteous anger over how you have ben treated.

Dave

 

[Jamie]

Thank you for your advice Dave. Unfortunatly, It often hapens before I realize it, like verbal diahria. I usualy do it for a sence of connection with others. When I was in school I was frustrated because I felt that everyone thought I was alright. I wasn't a problem child,  didn't break the rules, I got good grades and I was always smiling and chipper, so I became goth. This didn't change much as now I dressed in black with black makup,.talked about death and the supernatural with a smile on my face and a still prity chipper tone so I finaly just started telling people how screwed up I realy am. I know it's not healthy for me and others, and I hope to correct the problem.