Drugs and Friends

[Belluavir]

I've never used any drugs, not even marijauna and it's hard to explain how I feel about that. I feel jealousy, sadness, anxiety and frustration. I feel jealous because I don't have access to it and a lot of other people do. I see and hear references to it all the time, people that I know online use/have used them, my brother used marijuana, he told me about it, showed me the pipe he used, but never offered to do it with me. He told me that it's a stupid thing to do and he did XYZ stupid things while high, he wanted to protect me, I get that, but I don't need to be protected, I'm not a child and when I was, I didn't want to be one, I want to make my own decisions, not be protected by people who think they're better than me. Sorry that was a bit rambling but that thought came to mind and I thought it might be useful to run with it.

The reason I feel sad is because I can't get what I want and also that I squandered an oppurtunity to get what I want, and not just drugs. In 2011 I went to college in southeast Queensland, Australia, for a year (I'm originally from the US and I'll be heading back there soon, it's a long story though I'm happy to talk about that if anyone is interested, it's just not directly relevant). There were people there who used drugs and there were people there who were really sweet and nice to talk to and who reached out to me (a few of those were the same people), and, as I have done since probably elementary school, if not earlier, I pushed them away. On one hand I felt a desire to engage with them but on the other hand I felt a very strong reluctance and I'd make up some excuse in my head not to join them for lunch or I would just outright feel afraid and give into that. I've been looking around the internet and the way that most people seem to get drugs is through their friends and I don't reallly see how to do it otherwise. Growing it isn't an option and won't be for the foreseeable future. I can't just go up to random people on the street because I don't want to be arrested and subsequently deported and even if that wasn't an issue, having a criminal record would be. I'd also be worried about just getting ripped off.

That leads me to the anxiety and frustration. I don't know what to do about it and it's really getting to me, it's made especially worse by the fact that I can't even say anymore that nobody ever offered it to me, it was offered to me and I turned it down, even though it was something I really wanted. I don't think it'll ever stop hurting unless I make up for it, but I don't know how to actually accomplish that.

What I'm looking for here is someone to reach out to me. I'm not a bad person, people don't avoid me or think that I'm awkward or anything. I can be funny and interesting, I can be caring and empathetic. People tend towards liking me and I tend towards feeling scared of them and trying to alienate them.  I don't want to live like this anymore but now it seems like it's just fucked beyond repair, I had a perfect chance and I fucked it up and there's no more chances left. On one hand I know that can't be true but on the other hand, I don't know where another chance is. Thank you in advance to anyone who's willing to read this and offer a helping hand.

[Rick Horton]

What do you want? Heroin? Coke? Meth? Weed? Acid? some angle-dust?

 

[SimonF]

I recommend the drug called love. It doesn't cost any money, is legal but harder to find than the other drugs.

[Guest NateC]

I don't understand why you are combining drugs and friends.  Are you saying you don't have friends because you don't do drugs?

[MrCapitalism]

Drugs to get friends? or, Friends to get drugs?

[MattPolofka]

if you issues with meeting new people and making friends, or keeping friends or anything major in regards to other people, you should probably address that before getting high with people. Nothing wrong with getting high, but if you add anxiety to the experience it can be horrifying.

[SaintElsewhere]

I think you're probably overrating the drug experience, simply because you haven't partaken. It's kind of like that moment after you lose your virginity and you think, "That's IT? THAT's what everyone has been talking about?" It's not magic happiness in a bottle, it's not necessarily pleasant. It's simply something people do when they are bored.

 

A lot of the culture that has built up around drugs, at least here in the US, has some real victim-y, codependance stuff associated with it. These people that you imagine are having such a wonderful time are generally fairly miserable, and they often want nothing more than to bring others down with them. My advice: Focus on doing something, and doing it well. Feel pride in yourself and look for equals. If you still want to experiment with drugs, do your research first. Do at least a month of heavy reading. Maybe ask some of these people some detailed questions about it. Just don't confuse the feelings a drug gives you with what is lacking in your own life. And never, ever, ever,ever,ever, mess with opiates. Don't do them.

 

 

 

Psychedelics can be useful tools for self guided therapy, for the right individual, in moderation. That's a lot of caveats. They tend to bring out all of your demons at once. Take heed.

 

 

As far as how to get illicit substances without contacts... You might want to do a google search for "Silk Road." I hear it's big in Australia.

 

Psilocybe Cubensis can be grown with minimal skill and an investment of around $40. Takes around 2 months starting from scratch though.

 

[ribuck]

 

I recommend the drug called love. It doesn't cost any money, is legal but harder to find than the other drugs.

The drug called music can also work pretty well (if you get the right kind, and learn to totally immerse yourself in it). It doesn't work as well as love, but it's also legal and is much easier to find.

[ribuck]

It's kind of like that moment after you lose your virginity and you think, "That's IT? THAT's what everyone has been talking about?"

Oh man! When I lost mine (at age 24) I thought "Wow! Wow! That was way better than I imagined it could possibly be! That was way better than I imagined anything could be! Wow!"

[Belluavir]

 

What do you want? Heroin? Coke? Meth? Weed? Acid? some angle-dust?

 

 

Weed. I'd like to try other things but that's the main one I feel bad about missing out on. I think I'd rather avoid anything too hazardous like meth, heroin or pcp.

 

 

I don't understand why you are combining drugs and friends.  Are you saying you don't have friends because you don't do drugs?

 

Sorry, my post was a bit rambling so I understand that things are particularly clear.

I'm combining them because I feel like shit about missing out on an opportunity to have both simultaneously. I don't know when or how I'm going to be able to get either of those things, although I'm more worried about not being able to find drugs.

 

Drugs to get friends? or, Friends to get drugs?

 

Friends to get friends to get drugs. It's more like hoping that I'd be able to access it through someone who's my friend, I'm not sure how else to do it (relatively) safely. But I'm not going to choose friends on that basis. 

 

I think you're probably
overrating the drug experience, simply because you haven't partaken.
It's kind of like that moment after you lose your virginity and you
think, "That's IT? THAT's what everyone has been talking about?" It's
not magic happiness in a bottle, it's not necessarily pleasant. It's simply something people do when they are bored.

 

I'm pretty damn bored, let me tell ya! I know it's not the be all end all and I know it's not going to magically make me happy but actually getting to experience it for myself will make me feel more fulfilled and less regretful and give me some closure.

 

A lot of the culture that has built up around drugs, at least here in
the US, has some real victim-y, codependance stuff associated with it.
These people that you imagine are having such a wonderful time are
generally fairly miserable, and they often want nothing more than to
bring others down with them. My advice: Focus on doing something, and
doing it well. Feel pride in yourself and look for equals. If you still
want to experiment with drugs, do your research first. Do at least a
month of heavy reading. Maybe ask some of these people some detailed
questions about it. Just don't confuse the feelings a drug gives you
with what is lacking in your own life. And never, ever, ever,ever,ever,
mess with opiates. Don't do them.

 

I've known people who use drugs who aren't addicts and who aren't miserable. They use it sometimes because it's fun and they enjoy it or they used to use it and don't want to anymore. The options aren't 1) drug addict or 2) clean, sober, straight + narrow. Just like how sex isn't 1) aids meds for the rest of your life and unwanted octuplets or 2) eat the key to the chastity belt and tatoo on your purity ring.

I know that there is a lot lacking my own life and drugs won't make up for it but it's part of it and right now I feel that it's quite a big part of it. I know from what I've been reading that as I get older it's going to get harder and harder, and I feel very anxious that I may have missed my chance and I'm worried that there's never going to be closure when there could have been, because I took the cowards way out and pushed away people who were reaching out to me becuase my parents made me fearful and hateful of other people. I let that happen, I didn't face those emotions and I wasn't honest with myself and now it's gone. It makes me sick thinking about it. If I had some good friends and I could have access to drugs, be it through friends or not, then I can move on and not feel so terrible about myself all of the time.

Thanks for the other advice as well. I know about Silk Road but I'm a bit apprehensive about it. If I'm caught, that means deportation and a criminal record. They have a forum though, I'll have a browse through it. I'm quite interested in psychodelics as well. Growing things myself isn't a bad idea but my living conditions aren't stable enough for that to work and I don't know when they will be stable enough.

 

 

The drug called music can also work pretty well (if you get the right
kind, and learn to totally immerse yourself in it). It doesn't work as
well as love, but it's also legal and is much easier to find.

 

That sort of thing doesn't work for me unfortunately, it makes me more contemplative and that generally makes me feel worse.

[Rick Horton]

What kind of weed in particular?

[Belluavir]

 

What kind of weed in particular?

 

Maybe Jack Herer if I had a choice. I'm not fussy though.

[Rick Horton]

 

 

What kind of weed in particular?

 

Maybe Jack Herer if I had a choice. I'm not fussy though.

 

You are asking people from this forum to send you drugs and the thread hasn't been deleted?

[Belluavir]

I'm sorry, I took the wrong approach with this thread. My partner read through it and he pointed out that I lost track of what I actually wanted to talk about and got side track answering specific questions rather than better explaining what I'm asking for.

What this thread is about is how I missed out on a lot of things growing up as a Jehovah's Witness. I was very, very isolated and I never acquired the social skills I need to actually interact with people and live a normal life, getting to do normal things that so many other people got to take part in, and what I really want is to find out what I can do to develop those social skills now so I can make up for those things that I missed out on and I can live a more normal, happy life.

[Merralea]

Not that the point of your post was to find a place to get drugs, but the Silk Road does exist. 

As far as personal stuff, I know what you mean about pushing people away/losing touch without necessarily knowing why. For me it boiled down to thinking that I somehow wasn't good enough/didn't 'deserve' to have friends, or that anyone who reached out to or tolerated me was only doing so out of pity. Is it possible that this is a similar issue for you?

[Waster]

 

I'm sorry, I took the wrong approach with this thread. My partner read through it and he pointed out that I lost track of what I actually wanted to talk about and got side track answering specific questions rather than better explaining what I'm asking for.

What this thread is about is how I missed out on a lot of things growing up as a Jehovah's Witness. I was very, very isolated and I never acquired the social skills I need to actually interact with people and live a normal life, getting to do normal things that so many other people got to take part in, and what I really want is to find out what I can do to develop those social skills now so I can make up for those things that I missed out on and I can live a more normal, happy life.

 

Your story sounds very familiar. I also felt very isolated and didnt develop any social skills and friendships. 

What i dont understand is why do you want to take drugs? What is it that attracts you to it? To me it sounds like you want connection or intimacy. But there are other ways to achieve that. Get skills, get hobbies and go sporting and meet people. 

[Chaohinon]

As a long-term marijuana user (from about age 16 to now having recently turned 23) who finally quit recently, I'll tell you it's not that awesome. You'll have some fun in the beginning, but once your cannabinoid endoreceptors start to get used to it, game over. For the past 4-5 years it hasn't done a whole lot other than make me sleepy, lazy, anxious, and driven to masturbate constantly and eat a lot of shitty food.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for freedom of substance use, and I'm fully aware that weed isn't necessarily detrimental to every individual. But I'd liken it to playing WoW several hours a day. It won't destroy your life, but it does represent a boatload of wasted time and money better spent elsewhere. The withdrawals the past couple weeks have been nasty: can't get to sleep for 2-3 hours after laying down, terrifying nightmares every night (right now I'm having a recurring dream about the cult from The Following booby-trapping my house and trying to kill me, AWESOME) when I finally do get to sleep, random sweats, wild mood swings, zero appetite and a sickly feeling when I do eat, fatigue during the day, etc. That and all the money I've been drained of - the last time I went over my budget, I found out I was spending 250-350 a month, that's more than my damn car payment.

Again, I'm very much opposed to the "reefer madness" BS, and I don't wish to project my own mistakes onto more productive users. But I think the dad on Southpark nailed it: there's no need to tell lies and make up weird shit about weed shrinking your testicles or causing schizophrenia, because the reality is bad enough. It'll make you satisfied with having less out of life. I dunno about you, but after spending the past 6 years in a haze, I'm hungry for more.

The endorphins you get from exercise and exploring nature, the clear-feeling of having a good diet, the accomplishment of working for what you want out of life, and the joys of love, sex, and friendship I'm finding to be much more exciting than bong-rips.

[Guest darkskyabove]

"

There
is no stronger drug than reality

Twist
and change, time is nothing, regret everything

Young
hearts are pure like violet drops of rain

Until
life teaches us to be stoned or ashamed

There
is no stronger drug than reality

We
are the enemy"

- Nevermore, "Noumenon", from Enemies Of Reality

 

[kalmia]

I grew up in a very fundamentalist baptist cult. Looking back, I see how so much of it was designed to make the members feel very awkward around anyone outside of the cult. There was awkward speech and rituals that I was ashamed others would find out about and ridicule me for even though I didn't really partake in many of them. Even though I continued to attend the church, I never felt like part of it. I was there, but felt very detached and emotionally withdrawn. I still often have a bit of this years later when around any social group. I feel like an outside observer in almost any social situation. One thing that has helped me has been MDMA. It gives an immediate. Sense of self acceptance and well being. I have used it to push myself socially and remain a better person because of it even when not on it. I don't feel like I need it to do many things that I was completely crippled from doing before. LSD can help with this too, but it's more of a mind rushing trip of thought s shooting up from the unconscious. 

If you are considering cannabis, use it after consuming some self help materials including Real Time Relations, Nathaniel Branden's work on self acceptance and self esteem and some other materials on social skills and self knowledge. Cannabis suppresses short term memories at the benefit of long term memories. Learning something and then smoking can help those ideas come together. Those that smoke continuously, especially from a young age, are often not spacing out the usage to connect long term memories. Journaling or writing in some other form while high can also be helpful, although ideas can sometimes come too fast to retain. Another thing I have noticed with cannabis is that smoking around those who aren't also smoking with me can make me feel more detached. I think I fall way back into my own thoughts. This can be pleasurable at times, but don't make a regular practice of it if you want to be social.  

Another part of self acceptance is accepting that your experience is not going to be the same as those with different backgrounds, whether you use drugs or not. You have your life and it's experiences, and they have theirs. Your journey is your journey and no one else's. Their journey is theirs and not yours. 

There are other materials I have used to learn to be more social, and I could list more if you are interested sometime.

My advise for what to use and when would be to use psychedelics occasionally after consuming self help materials and use the periods after as time for reflecting on what was different while on them. To get positive long term benefits, you need self knowledge and the abilit to see how you change while on them. If you can get MDMA, use it to push yourself socially only, and space out the usage while reminding yourself of how you felt on it whenever you feel hesitant or awkward socially. If you take it while pushing yourself, you will also anchor those positive feelings to doing soemthing you currently feel awkward about. I still have the urge to do things I did while on MDMA even though I am not on it. These social things were things that made terrified and repelled by in the past.