Defenses and how my true self told me it was time I left them

[Jeff Techentin]

Hey, I just recently had this insight into myself which maybe somebody else could gain from. Growing up I was a huge loner, although tall, athletic and good looking (all of which my mother would drown on about)  I never really gave a shit about that (I really loved to think and loved philosophy in high school, it is really what kept me going) and had brutally low self confidence. This brutally low self confidence was perpetuated by my extreme fear of opening any sort of emotional needs to people which meant that I could never ask if anyone would want to hang out with me because THEY WOULD KNOW I HAD A NEED! So, I was alone and when I was not thinking about philosophy I would throw myself into fantasy, mostly violent war fanasy of conquest where I would use my incredibly well trained forces and intelect to just break through and achieve glory

. Naturally becoming an anarchist meant that these emotional energies could no longer be focused into war fantasies (really healthy). I have recently come to the conclusion that I really did this because all I could do was ever run away, to hide and I needed to fight in my life (indeed I was the kind of kid who was prone to pick a fight). To backtrack a bit when I was young my sister got sick, real sick and almost died. My mother was really shaken by this and as her family had supported her in ways through this she felt the need to move near them, bad move for me. My mother's family is Catholic. She had made the really healthy decision when she was living away from them with her atheist husband to just stop taking us to church when we showed no interest in sitting still and shutting up. However, that changed when we moved close to her family and her religousness grew with contact with her family.

I really, needed my father to help me get away from all this crazyness but he did nothing (I at that time had horrific dreams of me getting sexually attacked and him just watching). I really needed to get away from this new school I was at (my first experience with public school) but my need to leave was not only ignored but I was told that was bad, I needed to care about the goals of this school, getting A's, doing what my teacher wanted, shutting up and ex. Well instead of lying to myself and saying I cared about school and it was right for me to shut the fuck up and do what the teacher said, I retracted. I sayed to myself well, everybody outside is fucked and I will retreat to my bomb shelter and tell anybody who asks to come in to fuck off. 

Well when I got older this started to be less nessessary, I could have confided with people, I could have told people my needs and realized how fucked the people in my life were. But I did not, I was still convinced I needed my bomb shelter, so the fantasies started of me coming out of the woods and fighting (I was obsessed with Russia at the time and my fantacies would usually play out there). I felt that fantasizing like this was childish but I continued to do it, my true self I feel was telling me that it was time that I came out of my shelter and fought for myself. However at the time when I had no sturdy, deep relationships, who could I confide in? I felt lost and hopeless to act in reality so I freeded myself from tyranny in fantasy.

I have done a little research on fantasies on the internet but most of the stuff out there is sexual and as usual Wikipedia was the only place I could find anything useful. It talked about how Narcissists often fatasize about things they don't do in reality. A lot of the symtoms listed of Narcissism really applied to what I was back than and I would I think have become abusive emotionally in the narcissitic fashion if I had continued to sit in my defences. Well I am just really happy I didn't (thanks to FDR) and would really incourage anybody who feels to run, at full sprint at self knowledge and learning to live with empathy.

A happy future donator (when I get away and get any amount of cash) 

[LovePrevails]

And how are your friendships and relationships with others today?

[Jeff Techentin]

 

And how are your friendships and relationships with others today?

 

Better, I am at college so it was a lot easier to step out, I don't really feel that extreme fear of sharing being vulnerable but years of issolation mean that now my small talk skills are pretty lacking and there is a learning curve. I felt like just posting that really was a huge step too (something I would never have done previously). 

[LovePrevails]

 

 

And how are your friendships and relationships with others today?

 

Better, I am at college so it was a lot easier to step out, I don't really feel that extreme fear of sharing being vulnerable but years of issolation mean that now my small talk skills are pretty lacking and there is a learning curve. I felt like just posting that really was a huge step too (something I would never have done previously). 

 

Well done!

Small talk anxiety I think can be overcome quite quickly by having a couple of canned questions you can use to break any silences

"Seen any good movies lately?"

"What do you prefer, cats or dogs?"

"Why?"

and also just things that encourage people to elaborate, "Yeah?" "Really?" "No Shit!" "You think so?" etc.

 

it's so weird how social skills are jsut as related to practice as everything else

[Jeff Techentin]

Thank you, I that does sound like a good idea to incorporate those. I used to have the idea that having conversational fallbacks was kind of fake but I can see it being useful as a tool to get at a true conversation, trying to go deeper.

I appreciate the curiosity btw

[Rick Horton]

 

Thank you, I that does sound like a good idea to incorporate those. I used to have the idea that having conversational fallbacks was kind of fake but I can see it being useful as a tool to get at a true conversation, trying to go deeper.

I appreciate the curiosity btw

 

Small talk REALLY annoys me.

[LovePrevails]

 

Thank you, I that does sound like a good idea to incorporate those. I used to have the idea that having conversational fallbacks was kind of fake but I can see it being useful as a tool to get at a true conversation, trying to go deeper.

I appreciate the curiosity btw

 

It gives you an opportunity to tune in with yourself and see how you're feeling

how self-conscious are you? are you being true to yourself? etc. ... these things are easier to do when the other person is talking I find

 

I always know how to shift from talk into listen when someone has a personal issue they want consoling for - and I'm a good crisis listener - but apart from that I have always been a real talker. Because I'm a good communicator and know things I can really get away with yak yak yaking about interesting stuff and people will still like to hang out with me even if I do most of the talking, but I've been realising more and more that this isn't ideal.

It's poor in other respects, for getting to know people better and sooner,
for giving them a chance to teach you things,
for keeping a bit of mystery surrounding yourself that makes people intrigued about you (especially the opposite sex)
for making people  feel good about themselves, and feeling that you're curious, and like they're important to you (which hopefully they are)
for being sensitive to people who are too shy to assert themselves more in conversation that you are
all different things I guess, so these days I'm trying to pull out of my default setting of yak yak mode and ask more questions, and being genuine

I have been enjoying listening more, and having the chance to tune into myself and being more conscious of how I feel while doing so.

[LovePrevails]

 

 

Thank you, I that does sound like a good idea to incorporate those. I used to have the idea that having conversational fallbacks was kind of fake but I can see it being useful as a tool to get at a true conversation, trying to go deeper.

I appreciate the curiosity btw

 

Small talk REALLY annoys me.

 

It used to annoy me as well but then I learned to enjoy the right kind as a prelude to knowing someone better

small talk with acquaintances that are "just being polite" and I don't know that well and don't particularly want to - not so much!

 

[Jeff Techentin]

Yea, when it is the end not a little beginning it is annoying. I think the purpose of small talk should be to sniff the person out so to speak. I like the idea that small talk is a good way to see if this person is trust worthy because you will get burned I feel trying to express yourself to anybody at all without some methodology of weeding out the untrustworthy from the trust worthy.

[MysterionMuffles]

Hey man I read your story and it resonated with me. Our pasts are completely different of course, but I could relate on the whole fear of not wanting people to know you have a need for their company. Which is in no way a bad thing if it's positive people you seek. I used to be so rejective of people who called me too often than I could handle. I feel like I'm the most popular antisocial person I know when people call me everyday to hang out when most days I preferred to spend alone. Not outbid spite, just genuine need for internal solace here and there. But of course the line got blurred when I took my personal space...so personally, and so for a long time I would unreasonably put people off until I realized how friendly and inviting I had acted when I was in their company. Possibly to the point that they'd think it was a good idea to contact me everyday. Some were the right people to do so, others weren't. I did go through a phase last year and the year before that where I pursued self knowledge to the point that I saw the disingenuous nature in some of my so called friends. Long story short, I weeded out the people who didn't help me feel good when I expressed my true self, and now I find how much of an honour it is to be not only be needed, but also have my needs met. Which is very infrequent, I still keep to my self a lot, but on occasion I'll spend an entire day with a trusted friend.

Whoooo that was long winded, I know I got off topic but your post just made me reevaluate that aspect in my life.

 

[darknova]

Jeff, your story strikes a very deep chord with me. Somewhere in middle school I started strongly retreating into a world of fantasy conflict as you did, and it was to withdraw as completely as possible from my whole family. I buried myself in computer games, would sit in class or lay in bed fantasizing about fighting things like terrorists or video game monsters, and would even bring books with me when the family went out to eat so I could withdraw from them at the table.

It makes me really happy to hear that you've been able to break away from that and are seeing better days.

[MysterionMuffles]

How about you Darknova? Have you begun to crack out of your shell as well?

 

[darknova]

Yup. As with Jeff above, I realized how unhealthy the defense was and started pushing to move past it. I never had a resource like this board and all the information here until just year or so ago, but I was still consciously able to spot the issues in the family structure that had pushed me to move completely to an internal world. I had made slow and steady progress since beginning grad school in 2005, and once I came here and got a better understanding of the impact of the family on personal development, things have improved even faster.

Lots of work yet to do, though.

[Jeff Techentin]

I am really glad to hear that my story actually struck a cord with some people. Being as honest as I was in the post was a hard thing for me, I felt like a person that had been in a hole so long that I was scared of light and that was a big step communicating so openly like that. I would have never ever ever done anything like that without fdr. It really feels good to hear that people can relate to this.

[darknova]

Absolutely. It's tough to show even a shred of vulnerability on the internet. It takes a lot of courage, and finding the right community, to be able to post something like this.

[Emanuel]

Thank you Jeff for sharing your story, it really made me think about my own childhood. I feel better knowing that others have managed to get their lives running the way they want, even if it is incredibly hard at times. I'm really glad to have found FDR and to be able to discuss these things.

[Pepin]

It is always great to hear these sorts of stories and how it is possible to gain freedom from the past through self-knowledge.

 

I found the bit about narcissism interesting. I am curious, where do you think those traits come from?