thesmooter Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 Hey all you stay at home parents! I am about to embark on a new adventure and I was hoping for and advise and insight you might have. My wife and I have come to the conclusion that I should stay home with our 5mo old daughter. We are both currently working and making decent income and grandma has been taking care of Lily for the past 2 months during the workday. To make matters worse my wife has been working and living in San Diego and I have been working and living in Los Angeles, so I have only been able to see Lily on the weekends. I'm sure you can imagine, its been extremely difficult. If all goes as planned I will be settled in San Diego and staying at home with our daughter beginning May 1. Although I am really looking forward to this new chapter in my life, I have concerns that I may not feel as productive and useful. I am also concerned that although my wife agrees that this is the best, our relationship may be strained with the changes in our life and financial situation. I have been working my whole life and have worked my way up to the top of my field. Even though I know that this is the best thing for Lily and that I will look back at these times with fondness, I still get anxiety about stepping down. I would love to hear some feedback from experienced stay at home parents (especially dads). Any things I should be aware of? Recommedations? How do you keep from going stir crazy? Thanks in advance!
Wesley Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 What are your experiences with your parents as far as gender roles were? What was the relative worth of your parents in how they treated each other within these different gender roles? What was your relationship as a child with with each of your parents? Was working more important than caring for you as a child?
thesmooter Posted April 5, 2013 Author Posted April 5, 2013 Both my parents were married and divorced 3 times. They both worked full time. I dont remember how they treated each other because they got divorced when I was young. I know they would fight a lot on the phone. My relationship was not good by any measure, they were abusive, distant and dysfunctional. They are both alcoholics as well. Working was always more important than caring for a child.
RestoringGuy Posted April 5, 2013 Posted April 5, 2013 I had a poor situation financially and emotionally. But if I did it over and could somehow pick, I would rather have a parent "present" emotionally and provide useful advice compared to being a rich kid. Also, in public school I felt like I was dealing with teachers who were morons and could not answer basic questions, so having smart parents might have filled in the void.
MysterionMuffles Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 What is your field of work? Is it something that you can still do at home at tiny bits and pieces? How come you and your wife have to work so far apart? Do you see each other often? Is it possible to change her hours or her work entirely so you can spend more time together as a family? Oh man your post only makes us more curious before we can answer. I guess those questions and how you answer them would be my answers to you. How to keep your sanity as a stay at home dad...I'm not one, but I could only imagine that you do need to take time to yourself when you can. Whenever Lily sleeps, so should you since babies have sporadic sleep cycles at first. Make sure you get plenty of rest that's for sure, and when you start the day, and you've got the chance to, do some exercise and eat well. Even small stuff like 10 minutes of yoga could help relieve some tension. It's also good that you keep up with friends so you don't develop cabin fever. Basically, you gotta take good care of yourself in order to provide for someone else at the same time. And if you haven't yet, I'd suggest that you listen to Stefan's podcasts on Philosophical Parenting. I have found his ideas to be quite helpful in my babysitting work, as well as understand the dynamics of my own childhood to better understand what would make my own children's relationship with me better than what I had.
Ruben Zandstra Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I would love to hear some feedback from experienced stay at home parents (especially dads). Any things I should be aware of? Recommedations? How do you keep from going stir crazy? Hi Smooter, I've been a stayhome dad for about two years now, and all is extremely well with me. More sane than ever, still married, well-fed etc For me it has been a gradual thing, where I just went to work less and less ( I had the fortune to be able to do that). We have three children at ages 4, 6 and 8 and I'm extremely glad for the time I've spent with our kids over the last years, also giving my wife the opportunity to move up with her career. I'm gonna stay at home for at least another couple of years, and perhaps indefinetely. Depends on what crosses my way I guess. I can understand your anxiety about "stepping down", and I would honestly look at your ambitions concerning work. If it is your life's fulfillment then you should probably think twice.The anxiety of not working is something to mull over I guess. I've had it to some degree, but in a minor way (My fundamental adverseness to any kind of work is waaay bigger).If it's a real issue then you should probably invest some time to figure out why.
thesmooter Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I work for a high end auto dealership as a parts manager. Its not something that can be done at hope. The reason we work apart is that we live apart! LOL! When we met she lived at worked in San Diego and up in LA. Long story short, she was going to move here but her job made her an offer she couldn't refuse. We see each other on weekends and sometimes more. I completely agree with what your wrote above! Thanks-
thesmooter Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks Ruben! My job is certainly not my life's fulfillment. It a decent steady paycheck in rotten economy. Thats about it. I am a musician and have several ambitions, unfortunately they don't pay the bills.
Ruben Zandstra Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks Ruben! My job is certainly not my life's fulfillment. It a decent steady paycheck in rotten economy. Thats about it. I am a musician and have several ambitions, unfortunately they don't pay the bills. I know some of my anxiety was about my wife taking on the role of provider, and with me becoming dependent on her, without a place of my own etc. It could have all happened in a casual way back then if I remember well, but I was not comfortable in the beginning with the idea ( I was about to quit my job and follow her to another part of the country where she had found a promising job) I had some conversations with her at that point where I basically asked her if she was ok with providing for us both with me doing the house and future children, perhaps indefinetely, and if she was confident that she could do it. Not an unreasonable question to ask I guess, as I was about to burn my ship so to speak by quitting my job and giving up my house. I've been working a lot of the time between then and now, but now that I'm actaully at home I'm very gratefull I had the good foresight to have these conversations at the beginning and establish mutual clarity about our expectations of each other and our course together.
Jose Perez Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Even though I know that this is the best thing for Lily and that I will look back at these times with fondness, I still get anxiety about stepping down. I really appreciate your decision and understand how difficult this is. My advice would be that you look at this idea of doing it "for her". If you are not doing it for yourself then I don't think it will be easy or productive. How much time has her mother spent with her since she was born? Could you write more about their relationship? What are the reasons you have decided that swapping roles will maximize Lily's benefit?
thesmooter Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I think you make a great point regarding "for her". At this point I see her interest as mine. I look at the alternative (daycare) and that is sounds like hell. The idea of being at work with my fingers crossed, hoping some paid employee treats my kid well just aint gonna work for me. Her mother took 3 months off when she was born and has since gone back to work 4 days a week (working 1 day from hm). Her mother has been taking care of the baby during the day and is fantastic with her. I don't really look at it as "role swapping". It's mostly trying to live as financially pragmatic, while giving our baby the best, loving, exceptional life as possible. We both hold the view that having a stranger take care of Lily is not an option.
MysterionMuffles Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 you're going to have a very lucky child /emoticons/emotion-1.gif yes, yes you are. It is quite noble to take the reigns so to speak with the child rearing. It's becoming much more common these days to have stay at home dads in existence. You can screw all the people who tell you it's the mothers and the mothers job alone to be home with their kids. I don't think it matters which one it is, just as long as someone IS there for the kid to begin with.
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