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I cant begin to think why it was i was susceptible to this type of attack.

So this was a really dreadfull and probably dangerous episode in your life which has left you with a lot of loss and damage. This must have been completely evident to anyone who was even remotely close to you at the time.

I'd begin with making a list of people who claim to have been close to you, and dedicated to your wellbeing prior to  - and during this period of your life. And then add some questions you would like to ask them.

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the distance between me and my parents makes asking questions like that inconceivable , im a fenced off emotional retard  

 

The way you put it suggests that the cause of distance between you and your family is because of some birthdefect that you have, which makes it impossible for your parents to reach you emotionally. Is this the actual case in your opinion / is there any evidence?

The list and the questions I was suggesting wouldn't have to be used in any real conversation. It could be just a mental exercise, something to work on in a journal or whatever.

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