Selecting a therapist

[BaylorPRSer]

I am a 24-year-old male living in Houston, TX and have come to the conclusion that I could benefit greatly from therapy.  I do not know what to look for in a therapist or what kind of therapist I need. Does anyone have any advice?  Would it help if I outlined what some of my personal issues are?

[Dave Bockman]

It's tough, because in order to choose a good therapist, one has to trust one's instincts, which may all be (at least at first) entirely invested in finding the WRONG therapist, if that makes sense. When we start to 'wake up' to some uncomfortable, or sad, or really harmful truths in our lives, there are some very strong parts which will rsist change and healig out of a fear of annahilation or loss of control. Those parts can make it difficult to get clarity

Dr. Alice Miller has a very good article here:

 

 

FAQ: How to find the right therapist

I know how difficult it is to find the right therapist but I still believe that it is possible if you know what you need. So I try to answer here some questions that may encourage you to check the attitude of the candidate for your therapist; but please take this text as a draft and don't hesitate to make comments or additions. (I decided to speak of the therapist as a "she," but of course both genders are meant.)

 

    What do I need to overcome my plight?

 

    You need an empathic, honest person who would help you to take seriously the knowledge of your body, a person who already succeeded to do the same for herself because she had the chance to have found this kind of help that you are looking for.

    How can I know if a therapist is this kind of person?

 

    By asking many questions.

    This idea scares me. Why don't I dare to ask questions?

 

    As a child you were probably punished for asking questions because they might have shaken your parents' position of power. Your questions were often ignored or you were given lies instead of true answers. This was very painful. Now, you are afraid that this might happen again. It CAN happen that you will not be understood or that your questions trigger the fears and defenses of a therapist but you are no longer the helpless child without any options. You can leave and look for another therapist. The child could not leave, so he tried to change his parents, some people do it (symbolically) their whole life. But as an adult you have options. You can, with the support of the forum, recognize the lies, the poisonous pedagogy and the defenses. You must only take seriously what you hear, not deny your uneasiness, and not hope that you will be able to change this person (the parent) later. You will not. She will need therapy herself, and this shouldn't be your job as long as YOU pay the honorary.

    I feel guilty because of my mistrust. If I can't trust I will never find what is good for me.

 

    Your mistrust has a history and your need for SPECIAL understanding too. Your caregiver didn't deserve your trust and the child felt this very strongly because his body knew the truth. It couldn't develop trust. Now, trust your body signals, it is the silenced child who is speaking, who starts to talk and needs your truthfulness. If you don't feel good with a person, take your feelings seriously, don't push them away, try to understand these feelings. Once you feel truly and deeply understood by someone, your body will let you know this immediately and very clearly, it will be relaxed without any special exercises.

    What do I risk by asking questions from the beginning?

 

    Nothing. You can only win. If the answer is hostile or very incomplete or defensive, you can gain much money and time by leaving. On the other hand, if the answer you got is satisfying, you will feel encouraged to ask more. And this is what you should do.

    Which kind of questions am I allowed to ask?

 

    Whatever you need to know. But above all don't forget to ask the candidate for your therapist about her childhood and her experiences during her training. Where did she get her training, what was helpful to her, what was not? How does she feel about the defeats, does she have the freedom to see what was wrong or does she protect people who damaged her? Does she minimize the damage? Was she beaten as a child? How does she value this experience? Is she really aware of its consequences for her later life, or is she denying its importance? Does she avoid the confrontation with her own pain? In the last case she will do everything to silence you, not always visibly.

    Is it a good sign if she tells me that she has read Alice Miller's "Drama?"

 

    It doesn't say anything. Ask you how she FELT about "For Your Own Good" and the other books, also ask about her criticisms. What helped her personally, what didn't? What is in her opinion the main healing factor? Is she capable of deep feelings or does she prefer an intellectual analysis to keep distance? This you may even find with primal therapists who makes you feel the helpless child for years and years so that they can "help" you, but without being themselves able to feel on a deeper level. Then you may end up in a dependence on them and on your feelings of a helpless, unchangeable rage against your parents without being able to free yourself for what YOU really need. A good therapist must help you to find and fulfill YOUR OWN needs, neglected for such a long time, needs for free expression, for being understood, respected and taken seriously. When you begin to look for fulfillment and to protect the child, the rage and hatred will leave you, they will fade. They are alarm signals of your repetition of parental neglect and contempt; they do not have the therapeutic quality we are so often told they have.

    Am I not intrusive when I ask so many questions?

 

    Not at all. You have the right to be sufficiently informed and she must have the courage, the awareness and the honesty to answer you in a proper way. Otherwise she is not the right person for you.

    With this position, am I then looking for an ideal that doesn't exist?

 

    I don't think so. You see on the forum ourchildhood.int that honesty, awareness, compassion, courage, and openness DO EXIST. Why should these qualities not be expected from your therapist?

[BaylorPRSer]

Excellent article. Thank you kindly.

[Dave Bockman]

Welcome! [Y]

[Andersfilosof]

Good stuff, Dave!

Also, try to find one who doesn't charge for the first session - my first try with a therapist ended up being the right one and I think it says alot about integrity to not charge the first time seeing as how the therapist doesn't know if they can help you yet.

[Nala]

Hi Baylor,

 

How is the search going? Have you found any therapist you would consider hiring so far? I just want to say that when I was working through my stuff with fdr resources, I was surprised to find out how many people were giving advice about finding a therapist when they themselves had yet to enter into therapy. I've been at it for a long time and can confidently say that following Stef's guidance for finding a therapist in his podcasts were the most help I could find. I encourage you to follow your heart and listen to your inner wisdom when sharing your most personal information anywhere and with anyone. You are a special person with very important feelings and you will feel that reflecting back at you with a competent therapist. 

[BaylorPRSer]

Can you provide a link to the podcasts?  Search is going well.  I've met some whom I am considering, but funds are ultra-tight right now unfortunately so all I'm reallly doing is figuring out who is close enough to me so that I can do it once I have enough money.

[Nala]

http://ex.fm/song/5oniy/FDR1927+How+to+Find+a+Great+Therapist-Stefan+Molyneux

Hi,

 

I no longer see a link to the series where Stef provides many specific opinions and recommendations based on his own experience finding a good therapist. Writing him about the series might be a good idea.

Why wait to hire a therapist? I'd encourage you to express your need and request a therapist * one you seem to feel good about) accept a payment you can afford. I've done this and it has worked in my favor. 

 

Be well

[_Michael]

I have concerns about my first visit. When i came to office, she is started to doing her interview of my history of theraphy, therapists, how long and so on. I felt ashamed and resentful about answering her. I fear lost of control. I want to first ask her questions. She was supprising with this, and dont know how can i know if she is good or bad, and that this is standard procedure to interview patient on the first visit. But she finally agreed to answer some questions. And i am confused. She speeks in very "right" way about abuse to children, emotional violence and that stuff, but emotionally she was very distant from this topics. I have conflict since i want to trust what she say, but insight i dont trust her really. I feel bad for not trusting her. She speeks about other patients who felt angry about her mother, but not about abuse. And she was very resentful about her own history and theraphy she went thru. This is bad to ask in her opinion, and this is for my own security. I am confused about going to her, but i feel that i cant find good therapist. What expression would you have with her?

[cherapple]

What if you went with your gut?

Use what you learned in your experience with this therapist to search for someone else. To begin:

• Make sure they are willing to answer your questions first, in a free first session or phone call.
• Make sure they allow you to state your goals, and that they are willing to adapt to you first and foremost, not you to them.
• Ask about their history—you are free to ask anything you that's important to you—and look for a lack of defensiveness and signs of that they've achieved personal growth.

She says her procedures are "for your security," but you feel the opposite of secure. It can be very difficult to judge where the insecurity is coming from when you've grown up in an abusive environment and feeling insecure is as familiar as breathing. Instead of focusing on yourself, look for signs of insecurity in the therapist. Defensiveness, inflexibility, and lack of curiosity are all signs that they are managing their own insecurity, which means they will not be able to help you with yours.

 

[_Michael]

You know, I felt that this is for her security not mine, but as always I need someone to confirm that. Somethikg scream at this bullshit inside me, but this was silent scream. Thanks for your answer, i needed that. Seeking right therapist is so frustrating.