weird feelings on mother's day...

[Chelsea]

Hi all, 

I haven't had consistent and/or positive interactions with my immediate family (mostly my mother) and mother's side of the family for about a year and a half now and, needless to say, Mother's Day has inspired lots of weird feelings. I initially choose to break with my immediate family and my mom's side of the family because they were more interested in controlling my actions than getting to know why I was choosing to act differently. Example: I didn't want to refer to my mom and dad as 'mom' and 'dad' anymore. Their reaction was basically to tell me too bad and that I had to refer to them as mom and dad. I was hurt because they did not ask why. They only tried to force me to act the way they wanted. (In case you're interested I chose to refer to them by their names because I felt as though we were equals and the need for a mom and dad had passed in my  life.) This is a very minor example - I would not cease communication over this trivial of an issue. They also did things like tell my very Christian in-laws that my husband and I are atheists (when we explicitly asked them not to because we wanted to be the ones to have that conversation) in an attempt to scare us into taking to them (them being my parents) - among other things.

 

In short,  my parents actions displayed a complete disrespect for my, and my husband's, opinions and feelings in general and caused me to halt our relationship.

 

My question for you is, do you think people change? Is it worth giving people another chance after such disrespect and pain?  If so, how would i begin to do this? I feel badly knowing they are sad but is it with my short time on earth to try and reconcile with people who have hurt my husband and myself so badly?

[Gaurav251]

I had something similar today too,

 

I would argue with my dad about how the government is immoral and how it can be changed and then he said back to me that "nothing is wrong with this system and it works perfectly fine", literally. After that the conversation just went in circles with him adding a snippet of "people cant change" and "why should you care?" to the later part where he told me to get "a better job and stop talking about these things." Needless to say I had no reason to talk to him again about these things as he had already been imprinted with most of the things he learned in his childhood and would not break from it. Interestingly the long conversation I had with him gave me quite a big of a headache.

 

I think stefan talked about how this show is not about changing the old people who are used to the system but the children of the future that can be the change or something. But what do I know I am still struggling with who I am.

[JKPgamer]

I actually have a similar problem with my father.

I sympathize because when I speak to my father he only talks to me like I'm still a child.  So I can understand your frustration with them not wanting to be equals with you.

As for your question:  I do believe people can change..but at the same time, they have to make that change themselves you can't do it for them.  I have wrestled with this same problem and the only advice I can give is this:

If anyone else, that wasn't your family, did the same thing...would you still want to associate them?  I'm not going to lie and say this is an easy thing to do but what I've learned since listening to Stefan and looking at these boards is judge people by their actions not their intentions.

I think people can change but they must make the first action to prove they are at least trying to change.  From what you've posted neither of your parents have put forth an effort to even show they want to be in your life as equals...they want you to stay beneath them...they know what's best and since they have done all the thinking for you, you should just accept their conclusions.

Hopefully what I've said makes sense and I hope you find peace in your own life whether or not your parents are in it.

[PatrickC]

My question for you is, do you think people change? Is it worth giving people another chance after such disrespect and pain?  If so, how would i begin to do this?

I'm going to assume that any reconciliation with your mother would involve pointing out her past behaviour and explaining how you felt about it. Then it's a question of your parents accepting some culpability and to make some kind of restitution with you and your husband.

The question is how do you feel about having such a conversation?

What reaction do you expect from them in this conversation?

On an aside the child parent relationship is perhaps the most complex one. Insofar as there is a significant bias we experience as adult children towards our parents. This is why a competent therapist is such a useful way to balance out that distinct advantage the parent has in the relationship. Unless you are already in therapy, I would urge you to seriously consider it. You have my sympathies your mother acted horribly.

[Dave Bockman]

A friend of mine on Facebook rather bravely posted this yesterday (Mother's Day), it's by Dr. Alice Miller:

 

"So it hardly happens that somebody takes the heart to say clearly and honestly: "I never have received love from my mother and therefore I do not feel love for her. In truth she is an alien for me. She is lonely and may be in need of a loving son, but I do not want to lie in order to give her this illusion. I owe her and myself the truth that I cannot feel genuine love for her as an adult, because I suffered so much from her blindness as a child." Someone who dares to reflect that way will not be dangerous to his children anymore and will hardly have to anticipate severe, incomprehensible illnesses, because he is able to realise his body's signals before it is too late."

from the article Body and Ethics by Alice Miller

[Andersfilosof]

 

My question for you is, do you think people change? Is it worth giving people another chance after such disrespect and pain?  If so, how would i begin to do this? I feel badly knowing they are sad but is it with my short time on earth to try and reconcile with people who have hurt my husband and myself so badly?

 

I know that for me, every bit of change I've achieved from my dysfunctional background involved scratching and clawing my way through defenses, regressing for a short time and then trudging forward again.  Even with someone who intellectually loves the idea of self-knowledge like me, the emotional defenses are challenging to get past, so if your parents don't even like the idea of self-knowledge at an abstract level, the chances they are going to be willing to make real changes to their beliefs are not high at all and diminish with every day they don't take action.

I've wasted plenty of time trying to reach my dad who is clearly past the point of no return at age 60 and won't be wasting anymore.  When I stopped spending time and energy trying to change him, I had more time and energy to change myself.

[J-William]

 

A friend of mine on Facebook rather bravely posted this yesterday (Mother's Day), it's by Dr. Alice Miller:

 

"So it hardly happens that somebody takes the heart to say clearly and honestly: "I never have received love from my mother and therefore I do not feel love for her. In truth she is an alien for me. She is lonely and may be in need of a loving son, but I do not want to lie in order to give her this illusion. I owe her and myself the truth that I cannot feel genuine love for her as an adult, because I suffered so much from her blindness as a child." Someone who dares to reflect that way will not be dangerous to his children anymore and will hardly have to anticipate severe, incomprehensible illnesses, because he is able to realise his body's signals before it is too late."

from the article Body and Ethics by Alice Miller

 

Wow Dave, that's quite a quote... Thanks, it really gives me something to reflect on for mother's day.

To be more honest, it taps into a deep well of emptiness and pain 

[Brandon Buck _BB_]

 

I broke with my mother's side of the family some 26 years ago. There are a few of them who didn't harm me and while I don't mind their company, I don't seek it. As for my parents, I broke with them ten years ago and even though I didn't do it calmly and rationally, I successfully communicated my point.

 

Ultimately, I told them that if they weren't prepared to treat me with the same respect they would treat a stranger who walked through the door of their business, I wanted no part of them. With Mom, it was less than a year before we sat down and talked... her asking questions of me and me explaining my wife's and my life choices. With Dad, it was five years till that discussion.

 

Mom outright apologized and asked me to forgive her but with Dad, not in so many words. At the time, I had some mixed emotions about that fact but have since learned that the actual apology isn't as important as the behavior following it.

 

Fortunately, their behavior now is that of adults rather than controlling parents. Lately, we've even had a number of conversations about why they did some of the things that caused me harm and that's really been therapeutic for all of us.

 

I'd have preferred to handle the matter calmly and rationally but then, I'd also more prefer to have never been through it. In the end, I have mostly happy feelings on Mother's Day and Father's Day, so it was worth it. []

 

[Dave Bockman]

I appreciate your feedback, I had a very similar reaction.

 

 

A friend of mine on Facebook rather bravely posted this yesterday (Mother's Day), it's by Dr. Alice Miller:

 

"So it hardly happens that somebody takes the heart to say clearly and honestly: "I never have received love from my mother and therefore I do not feel love for her. In truth she is an alien for me. She is lonely and may be in need of a loving son, but I do not want to lie in order to give her this illusion. I owe her and myself the truth that I cannot feel genuine love for her as an adult, because I suffered so much from her blindness as a child." Someone who dares to reflect that way will not be dangerous to his children anymore and will hardly have to anticipate severe, incomprehensible illnesses, because he is able to realise his body's signals before it is too late."

from the article Body and Ethics by Alice Miller

 

Wow Dave, that's quite a quote... Thanks, it really gives me something to reflect on for mother's day.

To be more honest, it taps into a deep well of emptiness and pain