Isn't settling part of life?

[Elias Tate]

I want to start this by admitting that i don't post here much, I'm kind of a lurker, and only make posts when i have a personal problem i can't solve. If you find this behavior selfish or exploitative, i can understand, that is justified. if you feel i'm not adding enough to the community to deserve a response from you, please, feel free to move on to the next thread. I'm a 20 year old college student, and i've been struggling with some things in my relationships. My current girlfriend, we'll call her 'A', and I have been dating since feburary. We go to the same school and have many of the same classes together. Our relationship first started I think because of shared intellectual intrests and hobbies, but there was definatly a strong non-intellectual attraction from the very beging. The past month or so though have been more tumultious and distant, with us haveing more and more unplesant conversations and both of us pulling away from eachother relationship more and more. Upon reflection it seems we have been getting more and more distant as time goes on. This is something we have talk about to great length. We have discovered no interesting solutions, just the usual, to be more open/honest an more enthusiastic and affectionate. We have both made steps toward this. These things have helped somewhat, but over the past week things have not gotten significantly better. This is frustrating because I can so vividly remember how close we were at the begining.

So over the past day or so i've noticed myself, oftentimes while she's around, making mental pros and cons lists for breaking up, and mentaly rehersing how i would explain this to my parents and friends. This evening i did a silly google search for "should i stay in a loveless relationship" and was reading the stupid articles with bullet pointed love advice. One of them got me thinking, it said that, "If you do end your relationship don't date for at least one year, otherwise you'll end up dating someone just liek your ex." So this got me thinking. Obivously i have casually compared A to my one previous girlfriend, call her 'B' but this time i made some new connections:

 

1. B and i broke up about this time last year, after about 18 months of being together because a fight about some unexpressed issues she had with me, the breakup was unexpected to me. Then we got back together about a month later. There was a burst of passion for a couple of weeks after we got back together but within 6 weeks it had quickly become intollerably cold and difficult. 

2. Upon reflection, my relationship with A has a striking similarity to B and i's second go. There are some differences too, but the trend of greater and greater distance is the same only about 5 times slower.

3.  I am starting to think that The problems that B and I had with eachother are being mirrored in this relationship. That is to say, they are similar, only reversed. In my last relationship i was hurt by B's lack of enthusiam and with her disintrest in things i was passionate about, which is now a problem A has with me (and rightfully so). I was also annoied by B's weak self esteem and lack of ambition relative to myself, and A is much more self confident, professional, practical and successful than I am. Finally B as hurt by my lack of physical intamacy with her, which is now how I feel about A's lack of physical intamacy with me. 

 

 Perhaps this is all nonsense. Perhaps i'm just theorizing to feel more competent that i am. 

 Uncertainty is a big issue for me, and i always feel like there's no clear answer in times like this. I have many considerations

Reasons to break up:

1.There are some things i deeply crave in a partner that A does not embody

2.Settleing for something less than I want means obivously that ill never get what I really want

3.we will probably break up anyway if things don't get better.

4. Upon reading the opening lines of this post, i realize that I am in my physical prime and feel that it should not be wasted. 

5 *lists all of her psycological problems

6. *lists all my own psychological problems

 

Reasons not to break up

1. doing so will be no fun (I imagine we would not remain friends but would still have to be around eachother alot, It would be embarassing for me explain this to people, and other short sighted practical considerations)

2. If we break up, rather than solving this problem, how do i know this problem won't come up with the next girl?

3. The distress from this relationship is far smaller than the distress I get from being single via 1) general loneliness and 2) weak abilities in finding and starting relationships with women i'm interested in. The point is that even though this relationship at the moment isn't perfectly fufilling, it's nicer than being alone. The first 4 reasons on the reasons to break up list could be summarized by just sayin, "oppertunity cost" and reason 6 i have to deal with no matter what.

4. Sure there's probably better women out there then her, (i haven't met any, but statistically, there's 3 or so billion of them so i would imagine) but we're both young and inexpirenced, Is it reasonable to expect much more from a 20 year old? and even if it were reasonable to expect more, I wouldn't expect a securly attached, self actualized goddess of wisdom and compassion to want to be with me, i am by no means perfect. 

5. Some of the things that i crave in a partner that A doesen't have are shallow and come from a place of immaturity in me. 

 

This 4th reason seems most interesting to me. How high of standards should I have? furthermore,  Isnt settling part of living in reality? 

Any thoughts anyone has will be deeply apperciated, and if you care to say nothing, hopefully this melodramatic ramble was at least somewhat interesting. 

Thanks. 

 

[Wesley]

I am sorry for the situation you are in. I have been in similar situations in the past and it can be very difficult to know what to do.

 

I have some questions if you don't mind elaborating:

 

What about the start of the relationship made you feel so close? What virtues did she exemplify through her actions?

Do you know what you are feeling and what A is feeling in the current relationship and interactions? Where was the undesired behavior learned? Why is the behavior undesired? (Maybe you have done this, but in reading your post, it seems that you may not have been curious as to the other's experience and you two may have tried to find solutions without understanding the problem.)

Where do you think these trends you are finding originally started? Most likely, it goes back further than B, though I may be wrong.

What are some of the things you feeling like you would be settling on?