Peaceful Parenting and Autistic Children

[Mellony]

 I would love to see a show with Dayna Martin on the subject of parenting children on the autism spectrum disorder.  I heard her say on a previous show that she lets her children just follow their own interests and doesn't force them into subjects that don't interest them.  I have a son who has Asperger's Syndrome and if I let him do what ever he wants, all he does is play his DS.  He will not do anything else.  I would love to know how you 2 would deal with this. 

[Ruben Zandstra]

Do you think his Asperger's Syndrome is important in determining how to deal with his DS playing? I am asking because I have no experience with children who are affected by this. But we do have this same gaming issue with one of our children.

At some point we decided to let him have his way with it for a while, and then after two weeks changed our minds as his playing only seemed to increase, and other activities diminished:  it seems positively addictive for him, which to our estimation we should not allow to go on. 

I can do some work on wondering why he is attracted so much to these games, where his sisters are far less interested in them. But practically speaking, at this point we've decided to put some boundaries in place. He can play for an hour each day, and for another half hour or so on my desktop computer .. and that's it. Every once in a while we re-negotiate about the how and when's of his quotum.

 

 

 

 

 

[TheRobin]

I remember Dayna once saying that her oldest kid spent a good year mostly playing minecraft and they didn't interfere with it at all but where supportive of that hobby. They even went with him to meet the creator of the game at one point.And at some point he was just done with it and never took it up again.As someone who doesn't have kids I'm curious: what exactly do you think is the problem when a child plays a lot of videogames?I mean, I'm an adult and I sometimes play a lot of videogames, so if I had kids I don't think I personally could come up with a good reason as to why they shouldn't be allowed to play if they want (seeing as I'd do just the same).In the same way that, if I was a total gamer-dad and my kid was into more sporty activities I wouldn't want to impose my preference for not doing that much sport and rather playing more videogames on him :)But, I get, that it's always a lot easier to critique from the outside, so I'm really curious what it looks like from your perspective as parents and what the reasoning behind it is.on a personal side note: I think I have learned more about solving problems by using reason and evidence by playing videogames than sitting in school or reading fiction. Since games are all about figuring out how they work (observation, deducing general rules and principles) and then trying to apply those practically (experimentation). So I'd say it's a really nice and fun way of learning how to learn and dedcut rules from completely different situations (as most games are different in what one has to do and how it works so basically whenever you start a new game the process begins anew).I can't say (and I don't want to claim) that this is a general rule, as it might be just my personal bias. Or maybe I was (and still am from time to time) drawn to play a lot of videogames because I like to figure out principles and rules and experiment in the first palce and not the other way around.

[Mellony]

 

Do you think his Asperger's Syndrome is important in determining how to deal with his DS playing? I am asking because I have no experience with children who are affected by this. But we do have this same gaming issue with one of our children.

At some point we decided to let him have his way with it for a while, and then after two weeks changed our minds as his playing only seemed to increase, and other activities diminished:  it seems positively addictive for him, which to our estimation we should not allow to go on. 

I can do some work on wondering why he is attracted so much to these games, where his sisters are far less interested in them. But practically speaking, at this point we've decided to put some boundaries in place. He can play for an hour each day, and for another half hour or so on my desktop computer .. and that's it. Every once in a while we re-negotiate about the how and when's of his quotum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do think it is part of his Asperger's disorder and I say this because since a young age that has been his only interest and the only subject he has ever talked about.  When I don't let him play, he just sits on the couch and rocks back and forth.  I mean there really isn't any interest in anything else.

Part of me feels like who cares, but then there is another part of me that says, hey he needs more interests to be a well rounded person and video games are bad for you.  I suppose, however, that those things are what society would say to me.  And if I was really honest with myself, I know I wouldn't have nearly as much of a problem with this if it was puzzles or trains that he was obsessed with.    

He has older and younger brothers that also play video games and they will stop on their own.  They find other things to do... 

[Mellony]

 

I remember Dayna once saying that her oldest kid spent a good year mostly playing minecraft and they didn't interfere with it at all but where supportive of that hobby. They even went with him to meet the creator of the game at one point.
And at some point he was just done with it and never took it up again.

As someone who doesn't have kids I'm curious: what exactly do you think is the problem when a child plays a lot of videogames?

I mean, I'm an adult and I sometimes play a lot of videogames, so if I had kids I don't think I personally could come up with a good reason as to why they shouldn't be allowed to play if they want (seeing as I'd do just the same).
In the same way that, if I was a total gamer-dad and my kid was into more sporty activities I wouldn't want to impose my preference for not doing that much sport and rather playing more videogames on him

But, I get, that it's always a lot easier to critique from the outside, so I'm really curious what it looks like from your perspective as parents and what the reasoning behind it is.

on a personal side note: I think I have learned more about solving problems by using reason and evidence by playing videogames than sitting in school or reading fiction. Since games are all about figuring out how they work (observation, deducing general rules and principles) and then trying to apply those practically (experimentation). So I'd say it's a really nice and fun way of learning how to learn and dedcut rules from completely different situations (as most games are different in what one has to do and how it works so basically whenever you start a new game the process begins anew).

I can't say (and I don't want to claim) that this is a general rule, as it might be just my personal bias. Or maybe I was (and still am from time to time) drawn to play a lot of videogames because I like to figure out principles and rules and experiment in the first palce and not the other way around.

 

I'll be honest with you and say that it's probably me listening to the system and what they say is wrong with it.  I guess I really don't have much of a problem with it, except I want him to develop other interests.  And I know that parenting children shouldn't be about what I want but about what they want.  It's just that I worry about what he will do in the future. The whole situation confuses me... 

[Stefan Molyneux]

 you can always chat with dayna directly...

[fer]

...When I don't let him play, he just sits on the couch and rocks back and forth.

Just anecdotical, but I really hated when my parents prevented me from playing video games but didn't provide any alternatives (like spending time to play/interact with me).

I would do the same as your son, sit in couch/bed and grow resenftul towards them and their irrationality (not sure if he does the later, hope not).

 

...I mean there really isn't any interest in anything else...

What other options does he have?, maybe he just doesn't know what else to do or hasn't found yet another passion besides video games.

 

[Mellony]

 

 you can always chat with dayna directly...

 

I am saving money to talk to her.  She told me it was $86 for an hour....

 

[Mellony]

 

...When I don't let him play, he just sits on the couch and rocks back and forth.

Just anecdotical, but I really hated when my parents prevented me from playing video games but didn't provide any alternatives (like spending time to play/interact with me).

I would do the same as your son, sit in couch/bed and grow resenftul towards them and their irrationality (not sure if he does the later, hope not).

 

...I mean there really isn't any interest in anything else...

What other options does he have?, maybe he just doesn't know what else to do or hasn't found yet another passion besides video games. 

 

 

I want to be clear that I do not take his games away or his DS....I did in the past because I was trying to get him involved in other things.  Recently I have just let him play whenever he wants....he takes breaks and when he does, he rocks.....

How will he find another passion if he doesn't expose himself to other things?     

[STer]

I think this hits on a really important topic. It has come up in a few other threads I've been in. I raised the point that the more we learn about any biological conditions a child may have, the more it enables us to customize parenting to their needs. And some conditions require specific types of care so just saying "peaceful parenting" doesn't really give enough information to apply in those cases.

I often use the example of a diabetic child. Just being non-violent wouldn't enable you to understand the very specific dietary needs such a child has. So I see our increasing ability to accurately diagnose - if used ethically - to be helpful to peaceful parents.

Autism is another such example. What are the specific needs of an autistic child? How do those needs interact with what is meant by "peaceful parenting."

And in general, how do you reconcile peaceful parenting with any particular biological conditions with special needs?

I assume the most difficult question of all would be whether there are any children whose special needs make it so that they do need a little more "pushing" in certain directions - in ways that with some other children might be considered "nonpeaceful" - in order to be healthy. This could be an interesting topic for a podcast/video, etc. There are already many parents I'm sure struggling with this question. And I expect the number will grow as we become able to diagnose more conditions than we currently can.

[Mellony]

STer~  You are exactly right.  My son only eats specific things and none of them consist of veggies or fruits. And the conventional methods of introducing new foods don't really work. It's so frustrating when people tell me just put some on his plate he will eventually get used to them....I did that since he was an infant, even then he would only eat certain baby foods.  Or they tell me to sneak veggies into meatloafs, hamburgers, etc.  He notices.  Hell, if I buy a different brand of syrup he notices.  He notices everything!!  My parents idea is eat it or starve...he would never eat then.  The worst is the gluten free advocates.  If you switch him to a gluten free diet, he will be cured.  OK, when the only thing he will eat is breads and meat, it's pretty hard to get him to eat gluten free.  And yes I know they have gluten free options on a lot of things now, but have you tasted any of those things?  There is no way in hell he wouldn't notice a difference and then refuse to eat it. 

Anyway...the term peaceful parenting is kind of a generic term and each child needs specific things, especially those with disabilities.  I wish there was more information on the topic...I guess I just need someone to bounce ideas off of.  I should write a book about it once I learn.    

 

 

[STer]

 

STer~  You are exactly right.  My son only eats specific things and none of them consist of veggies or fruits. And the conventional methods of introducing new foods don't really work. It's so frustrating when people tell me just put some on his plate he will eventually get used to them....I did that since he was an infant, even then he would only eat certain baby foods.  Or they tell me to sneak veggies into meatloafs, hamburgers, etc.  He notices.  Hell, if I buy a different brand of syrup he notices.  He notices everything!!  My parents idea is eat it or starve...he would never eat then.  The worst is the gluten free advocates.  If you switch him to a gluten free diet, he will be cured.  OK, when the only thing he will eat is breads and meat, it's pretty hard to get him to eat gluten free.  And yes I know they have gluten free options on a lot of things now, but have you tasted any of those things?  There is no way in hell he wouldn't notice a difference and then refuse to eat it. 

Anyway...the term peaceful parenting is kind of a generic term and each child needs specific things, especially those with disabilities.  I wish there was more information on the topic...I guess I just need someone to bounce ideas off of.  I should write a book about it once I learn.    

 

 

It strikes me that even though autism is the overall condition, it's the OCD-like symptoms that can go along with it that you seem to be struggling with most. You might look into resources for parents of kids with OCD and I bet you'd find some people who really relate to what you're struggling with.

[fer]

I want to be clear that I do not take his games away or his DS....I did in the past because I was trying to get him involved in other things.  Recently I have just let him play whenever he wants....he takes breaks and when he does, he rocks.....

Oh, I missunderstood then, my bad.

How will he find another passion if he doesn't expose himself to other things?

You got a point there, but I think the onus is on you to expose him to new things (which you probably are already doing), not on him, at least until he starts exploring by himself.