Thoughts on Evolutionary Psychology

[counterbalance]

I am studying an issue within myself that relates to the approaching likelihood of my two daughters (8 and 3), myself and my partner who is a single parent to her 7 year old daughter, combining households. We are both divorced and I have my girls equal time while her daughter's father is granted once a week supervised visits.

I love my partner very much and we have been cautiously and methodically combining our lives in such a way that the 3 girls already see themselves as best friends, behave like sisters and seem very much to want to be a family together. 

My concern is my attachment to my partner's daughter. I have a very dense textbook on Evolutionary Psychology which proposes the idea that there are evolutionary responses to social situations that are wired in as protective to survival of the individual and the tribe overtime. For example, it explains the origins of the Stockholm syndrome, as the survival response to submit to, defend and ally with the male who may have overthrown the previous dominant male of the clan. In this way you create a protective bond that may ensure your survival. The logic is that if the overthrowing male does not fear revenge from you for the killing of the former leader, then he is less likely to kill you to remove the possible future threat. I know; very stark and brutal stuff - but these remnants have been shown to still exist in modern man.

I won't make this too long - but as a conscious, thinking man with access to this kind of knowledge -I recognize that there is something within me that is following similar drives. I feel a conflict that is interfering with my attachment to my partners daughter (who by the way is a perfectly delightful child certainly deserving of my devotion). Intellectually, I understand how this combining of families into one broadens and clarifies my responsibilities to this child as her father. But, I am nonetheless feeling this caveman barrier to attachment that I know I will need to resolve before moving forward.

Does this make any sense? Can anyone offer some insight?

Thanks in advance.

[ribuck]

My concern is my attachment to my partner's daughter.

Just to clarify, your concern relates to a possible lack of attachment. Am I understanding this right?

[counterbalance]

Yes, my concern is that I can never connect with her as I do my own flesh and blood. I sometimes notice a little voice in my head logging the times that I feel distaste for her misbehaviour rather than the undying patience that I have for my own children. I notice that I hesitate or have to "power through" situations where I would normally mediate evenly with compassion during a conflict or negotiation. I am damping down feelings that place her status lowest amongst the 5 of us. I find that I have to push back these doubts and rather ugly feelings with intellectualizations like "I must love this child as I do her mother" and "this child needs a father figure so badly and I am her best chance for a real future".

It should be noted that she does have some behavioural problems consistent with single parenthood, an abrupt divorce and I believe early abuses (possible but unconfirmed sexual) by her estranged father who she is being protected from by the court system. She will likely need my support, patience and reliability more than any of the other children (or even her mother for that matter) and I feel the least capacity to give it to her. In fact, she probably needs me more than anyone else in her life right now. I fill the biggest hole.

I hope this is making more sense. I need a tool of perspective that helps me to grow into this.

[Magnus]

My guess is that she's testing you.  She feels rejected by her father (since children tend to blame themselves for their parents' abuse of them, per Alice Miller -- it's a survival skill, that allows them to adapt to even the worst mistreatment). You are now the surrogate father.  She's misbehaving in a way that forces you to either prove she will be accepted and protected, or that she'll be rejected and thus on her own.  In effect, she's daring you to care for her by being extra-difficult to care for.  Her total lack of faith in paternal care is very likely a huge issue in her mind, if not the biggest. 

There may be some choices you could make that would help you pass these tests, and ways to spectacularly fail them.  What specifically are her typical forms of misbehavior?

[ribuck]

my concern is that I can never connect with her as I do my own flesh and blood

That's understandable. You have been with your own children since their birth, so you are always going to know them better than you know someone else's child.

I don't think of this as a problem. Assuming that you continue to grow closer to your partner's daughter as you get to know her better, it shouldn't matter that the relationship isn't identical to the relationship you have with your own children.

 

[counterbalance]

Thanks for addressing this Magnus. I think you are right on in your analysis of similar situations. I know a little about Alice Miller and I appreciate that perspective. However, she and I have already processed through this testing and trusting phase. I would already characterize our interactions as affectionate and mutually respectful and she is warm and attached to me. I wouldn't say at this point that her misbehaviours are any more frequent or disruptive than my own girls'. I'll add that I have behaved as I have wanted and as I feel I should. The problem is with my experience of my relationship with her.

What I am hoping for here are some tools or strategies to overcome perhaps remnant evolutionary psychological adaptations that may interfere with my higher purpose of wanting to treat my partner's child as my own.

To my point, Daly and Wilson conducted a series of studies in the '80's and '90's. One discovery was that the risk of infanticide for Canadian children during the first two years of life is 65 times greater when living with a step-parent than when living with both natural parents. There was also evidence to suggest that parents were highly discriminative when it came to abuse and would spare the natural children within the same household. Additionally, they determined that children under 5 years old were 25 times more likely to appear on a child abuse register when they lived with one genetic and one-step parent rather than both natural parents.

I am not an apologist for the behaviour that leads to these statistics. Nor am I suggesting that I am tempted to abuse this innocent child or do anything else so abhorrent. What I am suggesting is that in these cases it appears the psychological mechanisms that keep behaviour in check and prevent us from behaving abusively toward our children may fail to engage when we have no genetic stake in the child. 

They also found evidence that people do, on the whole, manage to have peaceful and affectionate relationships with their step-children. They found especially that step-fathers may accept the reciprocal relationship with the partner (rather than the child per se) -  and that they are willing to trade off greater care of step-children in order to have access to their partners future reproductive output or, to a lesser extent, to maintain sexual access to the mother.

I accept that there is a sub-surface kind of economy at play here that I feel affected by and would like to disabuse myself of.

 

[STer]

Perhaps your standard is too high. Perhaps the question isn't "What if I don't feel exactly as strongly toward my partner's child as toward my own?" Perhaps it's "Am I going to be a constructive enough force in this other child's life that it is better than her having no father figure at all (or only her abusive biological father as a father figure)?"

I don't think you have to be perfect to be an overall beneficial force in her life. And I also think that being so conscious of this will help you a lot because you won't project your feelings onto her and make her feel as if she is the cause of them and you'll be on the lookout for ways to reach out to her so she feels accepted. Being aware of these things puts you light years ahead of other step-parents.

Beyond that, you could consider that the relationship with her hits on some of your buttons and offers an opportunity to work on healing those some more to become an even better step-father to her.

I think it's great that you are thinking about this so much which shows a lot of concern for her well-being as well as your own.

There is one other interesting factor to consider, though I'm not sure how valid it is. It has to do with the dynamic described here:

Ben Franklin Effect

If this is correct then if you go out of your way to treat her well, you will start to grow more fond of her, rather than having to wait until you feel more fond of her to then act on it. It's worth experimenting with perhaps.

Hope this helps.

[counterbalance]

 

Perhaps your standard is too high. Perhaps the question isn't "What if I don't feel exactly as strongly toward my partner's child as toward my own?" Perhaps it's "Am I going to be a constructive enough force in this other child's life that it is better than her having no father figure at all (or only her abusive biological father as a father figure)?

 

Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've over thought something! My frank discussions with my partner about my feelings on this topic were met warmly and I think she understands the difficulty of duplicating the same quality relationship as I have with my own children. Part of the reason I want to get this right is the fact that my partner feels responsibility for failing to make a good decision with the father of her child. I would like to help her heal from that shame by seeing how we have done better together as we are than she could have hoped for with even an average father as a partner. That would give me joy. 

 

I don't think you have to be perfect to be an overall beneficial force in her life. And I also think that being so conscious of this will help you a lot because you won't project your feelings onto her and make her feel as if she is the cause of them and you'll be on the lookout for ways to reach out to her so she feels accepted. Being aware of these things puts you light years ahead of other step-parents..

 

Another concern that I have is that I create resentments in my own children by working so hard to help my partner's daughter feel equal. Of course, I will just do the best I can - and hopefully do no harm.

Perhaps this Franklin Effect you mentioned could work through my girls as well as myself.  I will give that some serious thought. 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, you have some very good insight.

 

 

 

[STer]

 

 

Perhaps your standard is too high. Perhaps the question isn't "What if I don't feel exactly as strongly toward my partner's child as toward my own?" Perhaps it's "Am I going to be a constructive enough force in this other child's life that it is better than her having no father figure at all (or only her abusive biological father as a father figure)?

 

Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've over thought something! My frank discussions with my partner about my feelings on this topic were met warmly and I think she understands the difficulty of duplicating the same quality relationship as I have with my own children. Part of the reason I want to get this right is the fact that my partner feels responsibility for failing to make a good decision with the father of her child. I would like to help her heal from that shame by seeing how we have done better together as we are than she could have hoped for with even an average father as a partner. That would give me joy. 

 

I hesitate to proclaim what someone I've never met is like in any overarching way just from some forum posts. But, just by virtue of you even caring this much and going to this length to try so hard to be the best you can, it seems to me your partner has already made a better decision.

 

 

I don't think you have to be perfect to be an overall beneficial force in her life. And I also think that being so conscious of this will help you a lot because you won't project your feelings onto her and make her feel as if she is the cause of them and you'll be on the lookout for ways to reach out to her so she feels accepted. Being aware of these things puts you light years ahead of other step-parents..

 

Another concern that I have is that I create resentments in my own children by working so hard to help my partner's daughter feel equal. Of course, I will just do the best I can - and hopefully do no harm.

Perhaps this Franklin Effect you mentioned could work through my girls as well as myself.  I will give that some serious thought. 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, you have some very good insight.

 

I think one of the main solutions to this whole issue is just realizing that it's an evolving process that the you, your partner and the kids themselves will go through with communication as it develops. I think kids are very resilient when they see that you truly care and are doing the best you can with their best interest in mind. Perhaps there is a way that you can express these feelings in age-appropriate ways to the kids and let them know you're open to their feedback on how you're doing. I think they'd appreciate knowing they can tell you how they feel as things go along.

[Elias Tate]

I respect your honesty here, it is not a pretty truth but it is truth none the less. I tend to agree with the previous posters. It is probably not possible to love your step daughter precisley as much as your natural ones. This may not be ideal, but it doesn't seem like it's something you have control over. I would imagine this should not be a big problem though. If you are the best father you can be then what else is there? Does you wife love your children as much as her own? If you haven't talked to her about this topic it definately be worth a discussion. all of these kids are in an imperfect situation due to your previous divorces, perhaps all you can do is be aware of this, over compensate when necessary and accept it where apporiate. Best of luck.

[TDB]

 

My frank discussions with my partner about my feelings on this topic were met warmly 

 

Seems to me you have chosen to embrace this responsibility and are investigating options and preparing for your new role. I am trying to empathize. I get the sense that you are strongly committed to fulfilling your potential as this girl's stepfather and cognizant of the stakes involved. You are hopeful, confident, but cautious and wanting to cover all the bases. So you posted here to get some input.

The only question in my mind is why you're so focused on the evolutionary psychology ideas, rather than searching the Internet for an expert family counselor or a book by such an expert. Evolutionary psychology has some solid stuff but also some more speculative and controversial stuff, and I would be surprised if it had any guidance for you other than sort of showing you the odds against you. Since you want to beat the odds, that is of limited value. But I am in no position to advise you, this is just me spouting off. I am "that guy," I love going to the library to find books by experts.