Level of Responsibility for Emotions

[Wesley]

So I saw my therapist today and I was talking about an interaction I had with my mother where she made me feel guilty in order to manipulate me into something. 

She seemed to not like this and stated that I am letting her have this emotional control over me and that my mom can't make me feel something that I don't give that power to her.

I was only wondering to what extent that someone tries to manipulate or create and emotion in me that I have control over it verses I do not have control over it. I seemed to think that I had control over what I did in response to an emotion, but I didn't have as much control as to what emotion I felt. 

I feel like there is some nuanced answer where both views are right, but I'm just wondering if someone could step me through the logic or has their own experiences to share in this area.

Thanks

[Lowe D]

Emotions are involuntary.  At best you can train yourself, compassionately, to experience new and more helpful emotions.  But the ones you've got right now, are the ones you've got.  They're not subject to will power.

Speaking of compassion, do you think your therapist is showing much in this instance?  The woman in question carried you in her womb for nine months.  If anyone can manipulate you, this is the person.

 

[Jose Perez]

 

I feel like there is some nuanced answer where both views are right, but I'm just wondering if someone could step me through the logic or has their own experiences to share in this area.

 

You have no control over the emotional response to your mother, but you have control over your thoughts (you can choose to think and rationally process what's going on) as well as over your actions, as you noted. 

The therapist is right as much as those emotions, like the guilt, are put in you during childhood for the purpose of controlling you – they can be all traced back to the condition of the child as a prisoner of the parents. So yes, if you want to be free, you have to act in order to rid yourself of this element of control and susceptibility to those who have harmed you. I'm really sorry you have suffered this.

This action is primarily the choice to think or reason, in order to differentiate between false emotions that stem from childhood trauma and your genuine true self emotions. Therapy can help you with that, but you have to think.

[Wesley]

I agree that it seems like the way to avoid the manipulation is to get myself out. However, while my therapist agreed I shouldn't have abusive people in my life, she seemed a little hesitant at first about cutting them off completely (which was just a feeling I got as the idea was new to her). Thus, I don't think she would have originated an idea encouraging me to get manipulation out of my life- but I may be wrong. I think I am going to have to talk to her again about what she meant exactly as I seem to be confused a bit by it.

[Jose Perez]

By the sounds of it, she just believes that you can will your emotions and that leaving is not an option, which is very common.

EDIT: However, you wouldn't be "cutting them off completely" either by simply following your true emotions as they happen. You cannot decide the future of your emotional response just like you cannot make the choice to think – and change her behaviour – for your mother.

[Wesley]

I need to ask her to clarify what she was talking about.

In the past she has agreed that we can't change our emotions, only what we do in respnse to the emotion (bury it, ignore it, express it, lash out at the person, lash out at the wall, etc)

That's why it seems to strange as it seems to contradict previous statements. I will need to ask her what was meant. It was right at the end when it was stated as the time was up, so she may not have explained it fully.

[Jose Perez]

I see, interesting.. look forward to reading about your findings.

[JamesP]

I second asking your therapist for clarification on this, especially if you're unclear and you've experienced her as being empathetic and respectful.

My therapist once said something about "forgiveness" in relation to those that have hurt me deeply, and I immediately felt defensive at that.  But I stopped to ask her what she meant--when I've heard that in the past, it's usually been to reconnect at the expense of my experiences.  But she explained what she meant, and though it wasn't what I would call "forgiveness," it didn't involve me rejecting my experience.

[Wesley]

I think she was talking about dwelling in emotion and letting it control your life. It was a little confusing still, but she conceded that the initial feeling cannot be changed. She may have thought that the guilt was still with me or that the action I performed I had felt was forced by the guilt. 

She deals I think with many people who are depressed or angry and become consumed by emotion where it is internally generated after some point, rather than a just response to someone eliciting a feeling in you. 

I still am a bit fuzzy on this, but it should make a little more sense, or maybe someone else can pick up these pieces to make something intelligible. 

[LovePrevails]

 

Emotions arise as a combination between the situation and what we are bringing to it

so if you are late to meet me, if I am hanging under a tree reading a book I don't mind because I'm already engrossed, if however I'm desperate to get tickets then I'm annoyed, restless, anxious perhaps angry at you.

So while someone can't cause you an emotion in the way they cause you a bruised shin when they kick you, their actions can elicit an emotional reaction.

The ability to distinguish "when you said... ... I felt guilty, and I think you said it because you wanted me to feel guilty so that I would do xy"

from "you made me feel guilty," or "you were manipulating me" which are comparatively very vague statements that are more likely to escalte a conflict

is a meaninful skill

 

please feedback on me if I have misspoken here

[Pepin]

Emotions are involuntary, but you can certainly put yourself into situations that will trigger emotions that you wish to experience. Though the emotional response would be involuntary, you would be fully responsible the emotional response in such an instance. Listening to music, watching movies, going sight seeing, going on a rollercoaster, and so on would be direct examples. 

As far as relationships though, it is common for one person to trigger an emotion in the other, so they can trigger an emotion in themselves. This is a large part of the cycle of abuse, and it is very odd on the side of the victim. For instance: a girl might purposely trigger abusive tendencies in her boyfriend in order so that she can express emotions of sadness and discontent in context to the relationship. The emotions are certainly involuntary in that she is not able to stop herself from experiencing them in such a situation, but they are voluntary is so far as that  she is choosing to remain with the boyfriend and is purposely triggering the abusive tendencies.

I've been in a situation similar to the above, where when she wanted to be mad with me or threaten to end the relationship, she would try to trigger this in so many different ways. It was rather odd, because as she continued to escalate her triggering, it really seemed like she wanted me to yell at her or to hit her. In retrospect this makes sense in regard to her childhood as she had a physically and verbally abusive father, and she was attempting to act out her childhood dynamic through me. I was in a way acting out my childhood by be so willing to manage some else's emotions, and not at all considering my emotions in those moments.