Canceled Trip to Porcfest, Wasn't Being Honest

[DaisyAnarchist]

I need to vent. Comments or insights would be appreciated, but I mostly just need to get this off my chest and out in the open somewhere.The annual Porcupine Freedom Festival starts this Sunday. I planned for about a month to go, primarily on the motivation to spend time with a friend and get away from home for a while. If the friend didn't want to go, I wouldn't have concerned myself with Porcfest. I have a desire to meet and get to know other libertarians, but not so much if they're 1600 miles away, when I could try Tampa meetups and it would cost me a LOT less. 

I planned meticulously for it, was able to gather 3 carpoolers successfully, but there were a few problems that I shoved under the rug. One, I have social anxiety. Going all the way from Florida to New Hampshire is a rather big plunge for someone like me. I've been to Pennsylvania for a week with an ex, but going to something like Porcfest caused a dramatically different feeling from me. The past two nights, I lost a lot of sleep, and today I couldn't eat very much. That is too much stress, not worth the trouble. The other problem was that I didn't have my car as ready to go as could be. It is a reliable car, I haven't had any major problems with it in the 5 years or so that I've owned it. However, it was going to need a front axle replacement. When I got a check up on my car last month, the worker there told me that it wasn't urgent, but that I would need that after so many miles. I think he said 5000, but it could have been 1500. Florida to New Hampshire was 1600 miles, one way. For some reason, I figured my car could handle it anyway. This is logic-defying, I don't know why I thought I could push my car like that. Or myself.

I felt like once I gathered the carpoolers, I had an obligation to get them to this event. They were excited, I was pleased to help them out. Now I feel terrible for ruining the trip for them last minute. One of the riders was able to find a one-way plane ticket, and thinks he'll be able to work something out on the way back. I explained to the other riders, via facebook, that I have social anxiety and was just way in over my head about this trip. I thought I could pull it off, I wanted to spend more time with the friend doing someting "cool." I saw that one person read it, but he didn't respond to it, and the other hasn't read it at all yet. I wonder if she has any idea :/

I feel bad, because this is my fault. It could have been avoided by me saying no, I am not comfortable with such a huge trip. Now I have to confront the consequences. It is not the most dreadful thing to happen, eventually it can be moved on from. But there is an initial negative reaction, I think it will take time to accept what I did. 

I wasn't being honest with myself. The way to cope with social anxiety and treat it is probably to make it a gradual process in a way that's relatively comfortable. Porcfest is way outside of my comfort zone right now. 

[DaisyAnarchist]

An update:

I was able to help one of the riders snatch a greyhound ticket last minute to the event. Feeling much better about that. It looks like 3 out of the 4 carpoolers are going to make it. I explained to two of those three riders my situation with anxiety, and they were surprisingly understanding. Turns out they also have a degree of social anxiety, and we had an interesting conversation about that. I think it's good on them to admit something like that. Anxiety is not typically something people like to admit to suffering from.

The unfortunate part is that the rider who won't make it to Porcfest is (was??) my close friend. It didn't mean much to him if I wasn't going. I can imagine he is not too happy with me right now. I could understand that. Just not a comforting thing to think about, he means a lot to me. 

Initially it seemed he took it okay and was going to turn it around by getting a job and saving up some money. But I couldn't really gauge how he actually felt about it.

I offered to make it up to him, but perhaps that was too soon, or not something he would be interested in. I don't know what to do in this situation. I should probably take a step back... it's just hard. 

[Mellony]

I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I too have some degree of social anxiety.  It's not fun.    It can really be crippling.  But you're right, treating it a bit at a time would probably be the best way to deal with it and it's good that you know your limitations.  

I don't really have any insights...sorry.  I just wanted you to know you're not alone.  (((HUGS)))

 

[Kevin Beal]

I'm sorry. That's not a fun situation to be in. 

I've had this sort of thing come up for me more than a few times where I will commit to something and then end up feeling too anxious or otherwise stressed out to go thru with it. And my habit is to beat myself about it, feel self loathing and vow never to commit to anything ever again, lol. Maybe you don't get that way like I do, but something I've been thinking about a lot recently is that there is a whole lot to be learned from these experiences and how strangely lacking in curiosity I am when these things happen.

Why do you think you were so excited initially and then so anxious about it later? That's pretty interesting, right?

[DaisyAnarchist]

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I too have some degree of social anxiety.  It's not fun.    It can really be crippling.  But you're right, treating it a bit at a time would probably be the best way to deal with it and it's good that you know your limitations.  

I don't really have any insights...sorry.  I just wanted you to know you're not alone.  (((HUGS)))

That by itself is more than welcome, I appreciate it. Thank you, *hugs.* It's nice to know that others understand the situation. I wish you the best in overcoming your own anxiety.

 

I'm sorry. That's not a fun situation to be in. 

I've had this sort of thing come up for me more than a few times where I will commit to something and then end up feeling too anxious or otherwise stressed out to go thru with it. And my habit is to beat myself about it, feel self loathing and vow never to commit to anything ever again, lol. Maybe you don't get that way like I do, but something I've been thinking about a lot recently is that there is a whole lot to be learned from these experiences and how strangely lacking in curiosity I am when these things happen.

Why do you think you were so excited initially and then so anxious about it later? That's pretty interesting, right?

 

Thank you for your response. I go through the same ritual of beating myself up over it, although I don't take it quite that far. I'm sorry you go through that, but it's good to hear that you've got a basic understanding of yourself. 

That is a good question. I think there were a few factors. One was getting away from home to travel and be out in the world. It would have been a personal challenge I set myself up for. I haven't traveled as far as New Hampshire, let alone by car. The farthest I've driven a car is from my rural town to Gainesville, which is a little over an hour, depending on where in Gainesville I go. Another reason was that I was excited to think that I could handle all the details of the trip essentially by myself. So it was a way of proving something to myself, and perhaps to others as well.

Other motivating factors were that I'd get to meet libertarians and learn stuff, and that I'd be stopping in PA on the way there and back to see my dad and little sister. 

The biggest thing that excited me was the time that would have been spent getting to know that close friend. Of course, extra visits to Gainesville would solve that, but at Porcfest it would have been more intimate than just a quick visit. Would have been there with him for the week. 

I tend to see the future prettier than it actually is, until it begins to merge into the present. I knew in the back of my head that I would get overwhelmed, and probably lose a little sleep, not want eat here and there, but that was the problem. I buried those things in the back of my head. 

What sorts of things do you feel anxious about committing to? If you don't mind my asking. 

[Kevin Beal]

First of all, thank you for sharing and I can sympathize with how stressful a situation like this can be.

 

What sorts of things do you feel anxious about committing to? If you don't mind my asking. 

 

Mostly social engagements. Like if someone asks me to go to their Halloween party and I agree to go even though I don't want to, and then when the day comes I feel a very strong resistance to going. I come up with some excuse and then sit there worrying about how annoyed that person will be with me, how awkward it will be the next time I see them and that sort of thing. So I sometimes tell myself the solution is to not agree to go to anyone's parties or some other non-answer. I don't ask myself why I agreed to go in the first place when I didn't want to go or even why I'm so resistant to going. I just get this feeling like I'm in an impossible situation (which isn't true) and start to hate myself for not being more sociable, and going back on my word and that sort of thing. I don't have this pattern show up as often anymore, but for a long time it was a real problem. And thank you for your sympathy.

 

When you talk about your plans they sounded like something to be excited about. I understand that driving a car that has some problems could be stressful and potentially a big hassle, but there's other ways to get there, right? And even now, technically, it's not too late to go. I'm not saying you should go, just that it's possible to go and the reality seems to be (unless I misunderstood) that you really don't want to go and that you are feeling really anxious about going.

I vaguely remember reading a post a while back you had written where you sounded excited about going to Porcfest. And I don't understand what happened. I can see some things to be anxious about, especially the car, but I would imagine that if it were just the car and some social anxiety that you would have felt anxious from the beginning rather than excited. At least that would sort of make sense to me.

So I'm curious what preceded this shift from excited to anxious? Why do you think you ignored the problem with the car? Why do you think you weren't being as honest as you could be? Obviously this is personal stuff and you don't have to answer, I just am having a hard time understanding. You seem like a nice enough and intelligent person.

[Andersfilosof]

Daisy, I had a similar experience (very long story that we can discuss if you wish) where I agreed to do something business related I KNEW I didn't want to do for fear of being rejected if I just said no.

Of course, I ended up flaking out and it almost cost me a relationship with a very important person to me.  Here's how I forgave myself:  If I'd had the childhood I deserved, I would not have had this emotionally unhealthy attachment to pleasing others.  If I hadn't been neglected by my parents, I wouldn't have this desire to appease someone in the moment, at the cost of long-term integrity and trust - this is exactly what my parents did to me when they did interact with me.  The best thing you can do, if possible, is a face-to-face apology to the people you weren't honest with, and if you have tears built up, find a way to let them out - either with those particular people, or with a therapist.  Basically, my advice is to take responsibility for your choice to remain unconscious when you agreed, but NEVER take responsibility for being the type of person who would choose to do that.

[DaisyAnarchist]

Kevin B:

Well thank you. I'm glad you're doing better with that.

Yes, the reality is is that right now I'm not mentally/emotionally prepared to go. The reason why I went from feeling excited to anxious doesn't make sense because I wasn't using reason. Without repeating what I already said, that's the essential reason as to why I was initially excited about the trip; it was an emotional impulse. I wanted to prove something to myself and to others. I have a hard time understanding why I do the things I do, so I apologize if this doesn't really clear things up. 

On the bright side, the close friend is okay with what I did. He took me up on my offer to make it up to him. 

Anders: 

Thanks for that advice. I can understand where you come from with that, I think I try to please others because I was neglected for 10 years by my father. Somewhere in the back of my head I think I blame myself for that. Would you say you feel the same, even though you know the neglect wasn't your fault? 

I am wondering why your rejection of a business opportunity almost caused you to lose a relationship with someone. I had to re-read the wording to make sure I understood. It sounds like you agreed to the business venture because you thought it would please this person, who might have been counting on you to fulfill something. Correct? Was there really a threat of rejection, or was that an exaggeration of your perception? 

[Jeremi]

Hi Daisy,

 

Sorry to here about your social anxiety blocking your plans. I personally know a lot about that experience, though my issues in the past revolved more around general anxiety disorder and panic attacks and less upon social circumstances. 

However, I've noticed a few voluntaryists in Florida popping here and there, so maybe going all the way to Porcfest is not necessary as you say. 

[DaisyAnarchist]

Thanks for your response, ChekhovsGun. Yes, my anxiety stems mainly from social situations and anticipation of social situations. That makes me feel a little better, in the sense that I know I don't hold myself back from things like going outside or in certain areas. Although, it makes me feel bad for those who have problems with that. I can imagine how debiliating it must be. I think, like any fear, anxiety can managed and dissipated. I believe I've actually dissipated some of it myself, even though I have a ways to go still. 

Slight rambling point, but I have an inclination to introvert as well, so even if I'm able to dissipate my fears, I'll probably still be the kind of person that prefers to extravert in small, intimate social settings, rather than at something like Porcfest. 

Oh, Florida! Awesome! Where in Florida are you? I'm just curious of a general area, you don't have to give the specific area. I'm below Gainesville. Would love to meet more anarchists in Florida if that's possible. I've met two so far, it was well-worth it both times, even though the second time produced a noticeable amount of that social anxiety. That wouldn't stop me from doing it again, though. Free-market anarchists tend to be really pleasant people.