Filosophize Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I have recently come to the conclusion that the reason for all of my long term relationships have largely failed due to my lack of empathy... Not sure where to start... I have always looked at things very logically and had a very hard time looking at things emotionally. Upon reflection I do believe that I feel disgusted when I see someone react emotionally to trivial things and I feel detached/uncaring when I see someone react emotionally to non trivial things. I am now 26 and have gone from long term relationship to long term relationship without much gap between then since the age of ~18 I do not have many friends, I have a few close friends who are of the libertarian mindset yet I don't feel like I can get them to really connect with me, ie: we participate in shared interests/hobbies yet never "connect" on any sort of deeper level. My current relationship is by far the most successful so far, we have been together for almost 2 years now & have lived together for most of that time. I love her very much, and she is the first woman I have ever felt like I could spend the rest of my life with. When we have an argument, I try very hard to be specific and calm about what it is that I am upset about. Part of this extra cautiousness is in part because she has a hard time not taking any problem as an attack on her. ie: Last night we had family over for Fathers Day and were having a great time but during casual conversation I became irritated when she made a disparaging comment about my interest in libertarianism. The context of which was that I had asked her about her earlier mention of getting a speeding ticket earlier in the day while I was at work. I asked if she had admitted guilt to the officer, wondering if we could fight it in court. She became evasive and clearly irritating by my asking this question and lashed out in response by saying something to the effect of "we don't want to listen to your libertarian stuff right now" and changed the subject... I was floored... I felt embarressed and angry that she would say something like this to me in front of other people, libertarianism/philosophy etc is a big part of my identity... I kept quiet for an hour or so not wanting to cause a scene with guests around but made the mistake of confronting her about how I felt when we were alone in the kitchen away from the guests, she blew up, became very upset, said that she felt like I had been interrogating her and that she was embarressed to be talking about the ticket in front of the guests, I apologized saying I had no idea that she didn't want to talk about it She wouldn't let it go, flew into a whole thing about how I hadn't even thanked her for making the dinner for everyone while I had been at work, (which is accurate) I explained that I had thought about that but was trying so hard not to be upset at her earlier comment that it was very hard for me to be in a caring/loving/thankful mood. I feel like we should have at this point been able to come to a mutual understanding about the miscommunication, apologize and move on, but no, I became resentful that I felt like I had starting the conversation mentioning that I had been upset with her offensive statement earlier and yet now felt like I was the one that needed to be apologizing and comforting in order to resolve the now "argument" This is a common occurance in arguments with me, not just in this relationship, I was reflecting on this very deeply last night after the argument and the best way I can describe it is that during/after an argument I can think in my head what I should be saying to "fix" things/change the mood etc but I feel like there is concrete in my throat, and no matter how hard I try I just can't say anything productive in terms of emotional repair, this block seems to subside with significant amounts of time to cool down after an argument but a lot of escaltion or damage can be done in the mean time... I have had one past girlfriend describe me to her parents as "emotionally abusive" and one past girlfriend accuse me of "not knowing what love is" My current g/f has said that she thinks I am going through a phase of pridefullness that she also went through at my age (she is 4 years older) I really want this relationship to work, I really want to get over this block I have when it comes to empathy... PS (I had another thread a few months ago where I talked about the abuse that my g/f suffered as a child that provides some context as well @ http://board.freedomainradio.com/forums/p/38692/300874.aspx )That said, I believe her abuse and her own challenges are separate from my own lack of empathy issue, since I have had this issue in previous relationships)
Jeremi Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 That said, I believe her abuse and her own challenges are separate from my own lack of empathy issue, since I have had this issue in previous relationships) Sorry but I'm confused, how do you disconnect the two? How is what we are willing to give not tied to what we expect to receive? Where is the separation?
Filosophize Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 That said, I believe her abuse and her own challenges are separate from my own lack of empathy issue, since I have had this issue in previous relationships) Sorry but I'm confused, how do you disconnect the two? How is what we are willing to give not tied to what we expect to receive? Where is the separation? Obiously her trauma has an effect on our relationship, I am just saying that this particular issue I have with a lack of empathy seems to have been an issue for long before my current relationship.
Jeremi Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 That said, I believe her abuse and her own challenges are separate from my own lack of empathy issue, since I have had this issue in previous relationships) Sorry but I'm confused, how do you disconnect the two? How is what we are willing to give not tied to what we expect to receive? Where is the separation? Obiously her trauma has an effect on our relationship, I am just saying that this particular issue I have with a lack of empathy seems to have been an issue for long before my current relationship. Does this lack of empathy apply to yourself too? In other words, do you lack any sense of self-empathy?
Filosophize Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 That said, I believe her abuse and her own challenges are separate from my own lack of empathy issue, since I have had this issue in previous relationships) Sorry but I'm confused, how do you disconnect the two? How is what we are willing to give not tied to what we expect to receive? Where is the separation? Obiously her trauma has an effect on our relationship, I am just saying that this particular issue I have with a lack of empathy seems to have been an issue for long before my current relationship. Does this lack of empathy apply to yourself too? In other words, do you lack any sense of self-empathy? I have to think about that... I can't say I feel like I fully understand what self-empathy would really entail?
Jeremi Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 That said, I believe her abuse and her own challenges are separate from my own lack of empathy issue, since I have had this issue in previous relationships) Sorry but I'm confused, how do you disconnect the two? How is what we are willing to give not tied to what we expect to receive? Where is the separation? Obiously her trauma has an effect on our relationship, I am just saying that this particular issue I have with a lack of empathy seems to have been an issue for long before my current relationship. Does this lack of empathy apply to yourself too? In other words, do you lack any sense of self-empathy? I have to think about that... I can't say I feel like I fully understand what self-empathy would really entail? My understanding, take it for what it's worth, is an understanding of your true emotional wants, needs; an understanding of your intentions and what you expect for yourself, from yourself.
Wesley Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I have to think about that... I can't say I feel like I fully understand what self-empathy would really entail? I did a quick google search and came up with a good 1 page overview on the concept if you would like to look over it. http://www.befriendingourselves.com/Self-empathy.html It is my understanding that you can only have empathy for others up to the point that you have empathy for yourself. The first stage for having empathy for others is understanding and developing self-empathy.
TDB Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I have to think about that... I can't say I feel like I fully understand what self-empathy would really entail? I did a quick google search and came up with a good 1 page overview on the concept if you would like to look over it. http://www.befriendingourselves.com/Self-empathy.html I am a fan of NVC, but that page seems a bit confusing. Here is a passage: Empathy is a key term in NVC, and it can be translated as, "What is most alive in this moment?" or "What is the heart of the matter?" This is a nice metaphor but I really need something more concrete. In NVC, the focus is on feelings and needs, and a key assumption is that all humans have the same universal needs. These include connection, well-being, honesty, play, peace, meaning, and autonomy, among many others. This makes it sound like we all have the same needs at the same time or under the same circumstances, which is really not NVC at all. We feel certain emotions when our needs are met, and other emotions when our needs are not met. Feelings, then, are pointers to our precious human needs. Here it gets to the point, though badly. Emotions mean something. The same stimulus will not inspire the same response from everyone in every circumstance. Self-empathy means you understand what your emotion means at a deeper level than "Oh, that was a low blow." I think the message underneath that is pretty clear, something like "Oh crap, have I completely misjudged her? Is she too clueless to know that is below the belt, or does she think I have done something that deserves that?" etc.
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