I need feedback, please!

[Gregory]

Here is a query letter that I've written to convince a literary agent to represent my book. I am looking to find out if it interests you enough to want to read manuscript. Let me know:

 

DearMr./Mrs./Ms. (Agent):

 

Something is after him. Something wants his blood. Hewants to know why, but Casey Reed will learn that some answers come at a cost.

 

Twelve yearsold and recently orphaned, Casey is left in a city destroyed by the army of a geneticallyengineered monster named Strithor. However, something different lurks beneaththe rubble of the laboratory where his father died, and Casey wants to find outwhat.

 

LikeStrithor, it was designed to kill humans with a bite; but, after it sinks itsteeth in him, something intriguing occurs: Casey survives. He is determined toanswer why he is immune, but instead, he gains a new friend – a reptilianhumanoid he names “Rex.”

 

To everyoneelse, Rex is a monster, but Casey discerns over time that Rex is not only afriend: he is the only link that Casey has to parents he hardly knew. Aftermysterious disappearances are blamed on Rex and monsters invade his new school,Casey can’t help but think that someone is after him and his blood. Thatsomeone is Strithor.

 

When Strithor finally has Casey in the clutches ofhis scaly arms, Casey must decide what -- or who -- he is willing to sacrificefor the answers he seeks.

 

This is my first novel. At 89,000 words, THECHRONICLES OF REX: BLOOD IS DRAWN is a completed YA Science Fiction that couldbe the first of a series, with a bit of cliff to hang from at the end. Fullmanuscript is available upon request.

[MysterionMuffles]

oh cool nice to see another fiction writer here. Sounds like a nice misunderstood companionship story. I think you created a good amount of questions to be asked internally and that you concisely presented the idea with effeciency. I'd like to critique your idea better when Im more awake and have access to a keyboard better thaan my phone's--before I ask you forbthe manuscript.

[Gregory]

That's awesome! Thank you, for the compliments, and I look forward to your critique. Are there any books that you've published or you're looking to publish? If so, I would like to reciprocate the help.

My manuscript is fully written, but I am still in the process of editing (Specially, sentence structure...) So far, I've been able to edit about a chapter a day this first time through. Therefore, I hope to have a semi-polished manuscript within two weeks.

[MysterionMuffles]

 

 

 

 

I haven't had anything published yet, but I did just finish writing my first novel; which is a psychological dramedy about a man who is haunted by his own reflection in the mirror...that actually berates him like a tormenting life coach. I'm in the process of gathering some of my friends and family as beta readers for the summer so that they can give me some feedback when they're done reading. So far my sister has been the most helpful since she reads fast and doesn't hold back punches in her feedback. I'm just wishing the rest of my beta readers would read as far as she would, then I would be so pleased to know that I can jump back into the story in a couple of months to revise it and also write a query letter for it like you have here.

Anyways, here's my critique about your query letter. Again I don't know much about query letters (I forgot all about them till I saw this post) so my critique is on just the base idea of the story.

 

 Dear
Mr./Mrs./Ms. (Agent):

 

Something is after him. Something wants his blood. He
wants to know why, but Casey Reed will learn that some answers come at a cost.

 

Twelve years
old and recently orphaned, Casey is left in a city destroyed by the army of a genetically
engineered monster named Strithor. However, something different lurks beneath
the rubble of the laboratory where his father died, and Casey wants to find out
what.

 Like I said, you raise some great internal questions for the reader to ask. I think I want to know more than Casey wants to know what the hell is after him and why it wants his blood. It's a cliche for a hero in any story to have a dead or missing parent, but I guess it always helps for people to identify with such a situation such as being orphaned.

 

Like
Strithor, it was designed to kill humans with a bite; but, after it sinks its
teeth in him, something intriguing occurs: Casey survives. He is determined to
answer why he is immune, but instead, he gains a new friend – a reptilian
humanoid he names “Rex.”

 

To everyone
else, Rex is a monster, but Casey discerns over time that Rex is not only a
friend: he is the only link that Casey has to parents he hardly knew. After
mysterious disappearances are blamed on Rex and monsters invade his new school,
Casey can’t help but think that someone is after him and his blood. That
someone is Strithor.

 

What I love about this is the element of reforming something evil. Maybe Rex isn't evil, but I got the sense that he might be, but it will be up to the book for me to understand how Casey reforms him to become a friend. If Rex talks, I get how he may have a connection with his parents, otherwise, I would like some clarification as to how they are connected unless it becomes a spoiler.

 

When Strithor finally has Casey in the clutches of
his scaly arms, Casey must decide what -- or who -- he is willing to sacrifice
for the answers he seeks.

 

This is my first novel. At 89,000 words, THE
CHRONICLES OF REX: BLOOD IS DRAWN is a completed YA Science Fiction that could
be the first of a series, with a bit of cliff to hang from at the end. Full
manuscript is available upon request.

 

Don't know if "a bit of a cliff to hang from at the end" is a professional statement to put in a query letter. I would go so far on the certainty as to say, "Blood Drawn IS the first of a series, for it will end on a cliff hanger that will have readers refusing to clip their fingernails, just so they can hang on with all their might," or something like that lol. Now I'm unsure if that's even less professional, or if that is just the right amount of snazziness.

As for your manuscript, I'll PM you my e-mail. Just send me the first chapter to see if I'm willing to commit to reading someone else's work in the meantime as I have a few books lined up to read. I'm about to finish the Great Gatsby tonight so I can review it on my Youtube channel. I do a reviews series called From the Book Shelf to the Big Screen where I review novels that get turned into movies. Look out for that in this same forum heading of Freedomainers when I get Gatsby done, as I will present all three reviews I've done so far in the thread I'll make in the near future. I look forward to reading what you've got, just go check your inbox!

[Gregory]

Lol, this is actually a spoiler for the second book, since this will be a trilogy, but Casey is not entirely an orphan as his mother is still alive. It is necessary for him to think that he is still an orphan until the end of the second book, though.

I could definitely clarify by adding a line or phrase that I had in my original query letter. Perhaps, I could word it as such: "Even though Rex learns to speak and to love, to everyone else, he is still a monster like Strithor. However, Casey diserns..."

Ha ha ha... Yeah I had that line [cliff to hang from] in there geared toward a specific agent, due to his sense of humor and interest in series. I understand, though, that it is a line not I would ever use with an agent in general. Generally, a one is supposed to put is: "With series potential."

[MysterionMuffles]

Hey dude, sorry it took so long for me to getting around reading your chapter sample. I am just about halfway through it and was wondering, would you still like my feedback on it? If so, in what form? A reply in that e-mail, an inbox message on the FDR board, or just a simple reply to this thread (which is what I would personally prefer to bump it back up the forum page and see if anyone else would like a go at it).

[Gregory]

Well, with my first edit, I have actually changed a few things; but any feedback that you have with what I had given you could still be useful. I didn't change too much of it, but I will be adding much more 'flavor' with the second edit of the book.

I am fine with a reply to the thread.

[MysterionMuffles]

Once again sorry for the delay. I know you already have someone in your immediate world who can offer feedback and thats great. I hope mine can be helpful also.

 

I want to start off saying that this is an awesome idea. A reflection of how hard science can work to replicate the very same things that destroy us in order to destroy the destroyers. Thats a lot destruction lol. Anyways I like how you briefly introduced Casey and made the first chapter all about his father. The transition from the school bus bully throwing that weird food out the bus at someone near the labratory. I think that was handled well and I love perspective shifts in stories.

 

What I would improve is not saying that kid is a bully because his actions already show that. Also it would keep me in the scene if he had spunky dialogue stating to throw the chicken egg out the wibdow to interrupt Caseys conversation with the girl. Was her name Hope?.. again sorry the details are blurry to me now. From what I remember I also preferred between Dr Reeds dialogue with the Soul Rippers, theres no need to tell the reader hes lying about Rex. We know that plus Strayden accuses him of it anyway.

 

Lastly, I know in the narrative Dr Reeds thoughts are about loving and concerning over Casey, but I think his death would have more impact if you establish their connection better. Unless Casey will have flashbacksbto interactions with his father, I think its worth while to have them share SOME sparse but effective dialogue befote he drops him off to school or something.

 

So those are my thoughts on it and for YA you use a little more sophisticated language in the dialogue and I love that. Youre onto something good and I hope your edits will flesh more of the moments out with the flare like you said. Because the setup of the world at the beginning is well detailed so to have that in action scenes that would bring it to life more. Keep it up!