The story of how I was broken

[Gaurav251]

Hi, this is just a way of me to vent out my frustrations against society and all those who did wrong to me, and maybe have people feel piety about me so I can just feel a little better I guess. This is not easy for me to discuss, and I really havent told any one my life story but I feel like I can get good feedback from people on these forums from what I have seen.

 

As early as I can remember, I didnt really have that much of problems going on in my life, atleast not as bad as when I went to Canada I think. This was when I was living in India by the way (I was born in India but would move to Canada later on in my life). I think that the only big issues I ever had was how cruel the teachers in the indian public school system were. For example I was hit with a ruler many, many times to the point that sometimes my entire hand would become red and numb from all the pain, but of course my parents didnt really care about that because they thought that was normal and they also used to hit me when I came back from home and when I was very little too (my mom told me about how she used to hit me when I was 12 months old as a baby when ever I cried). There was also problems with my peers that would often steal my pencils, erasers, and sometimes my lunch and I would go tell my teacher about it and she would tell me to "be quiet and sit down", I told my parents about it but they would say it was my fault for being weak. I also remember a few times where I would get beat up, cry and people would ask me why I cried and who did this to me but I wouldn't say anything out of the fear that these people would just come back with even more pain to inflict on me for 'snitching' on them. I would also like to mention at this point that my mother was a stay at home mom and my father was in the navy and was often depressed with his job and used to smoke inside the house alot, he used to ocassionaly beat up my mom too and sometimes  I wonder why she would just let him trample all over her, even my moms brothers would ask "why didnt you report this to the police and get divorce papers" but she would never give a clear answer. Even today she still lives with them and I can occasionally hear them having sex in the other room. In Canada both of them became high school teachers and theres really nothing much that changed after that.

 

Anyways, things didnt really get bad until I went to Canada, my dad plucked me and my mom too Canada as a way to find a new life and get away from the navy (he couldnt leave normally so he had to prove that he was having mental disorders for staying in his position and had to be electric shocked by the orders of a psychiatrist in order to leave). It was at this time where I learned how harsh the world really is, even though my mother often didnt treat me very well she didnt abuse me to much to the point that I started hating humanity as a whole, but when I entered these Canadian public schools it was much more depressing then being in my old Indian schools. Often I was picked on and treated harshly due to me not knowing how the Canadian 'culture' and not following the hypocritical rules layed out to me. To many times I remember being excluded and hurt because often because I didnt understand how people manipulated me and used me for their own gains, people often stole many things from me and I trusted people too much and was too naive to even think these people were just pretending to be nice, often I had my lunch money stolen, water splashed on me, and spending recess by my self because the people around me never wanted to do anything with me except 'use' me at the time of their needs. I would move out of these schools only to end up in worse places. Soon I would be in a private school that would leave me completely broken. Here conditions were almost three times worse then my old public schools I was in (and ironically my parents paid for this school because they wanted to keep me 'safe' from all the bad people that I would otherwise meet in those other schools). Here I would often see people having sex in the washroom, students smoking outside school grounds, the soap dispensers spewing out human shit (literally) since some one took a shit inside them, I would find my self stripped naked inside the gym washrooms by some very psychopathic and cruel male students when ever we were changing clothes. I could never find my self be able to concentrate on my studies as I found it to boring and the teachers would often be very cruel and harsh to me by threatening to call my parents (who would often beat me up and ostracize me if they heard bad things about me from my school) if I was not being a 'good student'. I would be publicly humiliated by the principal many times in front of a class only because my bus was late to drop me to school (I lived very far away from this private school), when ever I brought up about how I was not able to control weather conditions or traffic they always told me to "leave earlier" or "stop being so lazy then". Often when ever I got bad report cards my dad would hit me and talk about how god has forsaken me (parents were very religious) and how I had "no shame" when it came to studying and being serious about school work. My mothers idea about making me improve my self was go to the temples daily and she wanted to do some 'spiritual celebration' and would often take me to India for the summer vacations (the only time I had the very little freedom I could get) to put me through useless religious crap that I could give two shits about. She would spent alot of money on this and would buy my golden necklaces and rings in order to have god "accept me as their child again". Since my dad and moms entire family was very religious it was hard for me to come out and say I was an atheist to them so I just shut my mouth and let them use me in what ever way they saw fit. I never liked going back to India, power would go out often, weather conditions were unbearable, often I was just stuck inside the apartment because I didnt know how to speak hindi and so could not communicate to most people in my family and almost nobody outside of my family. The only thing that kept me from completely breaking was me just playing video games and browsing the web everyday, I would not know what to do if I didnt have a working computer with internet in India or Canada, maybe I would have gone crazy and killed my self (which I contemplated to do many times through out my life). I would always shut my self in and seperate my self from my crazy family, the feeling of isolation didnt really bother me until I became more and more mature through out my life.

 

After summer was over I would spend of my school years in that horrible private school, I would never really have any good friends and only my person I could talk to and not feel like I am being manipulated or used by. I found it very hard to socialize with people and I had a huge social anxiety towards talking to strangers, my grades didnt really improve in this private school either, I would barely pass all my classes and often my parents would shout and hit me when seeing how poorly I was doing, often the teachers would ostracize me and also in their own way verbally abuse me about how poorly I was doing in school, and even when I was being tossed around like a piece of meat by these people I didnt really care. At that time I was never really thinking all I really did was play video games to get my mind off the huge problems that was going on in my life, I always played video games when I came home from school and never stopped playing until I had to eat or sleep, of course this effected my grades hugely but I didnt really care. I thought that all I ever had to do in life was playing video games and I could just live happy. But then there would be a time I would be so damaged, so broken that I would my self leave that private school. It would be the day where I had to perform a skit and dress up like a girl, while only having underpants on my school skit 'partners' would push me into the class while I was wearing only a top female dress and underpants on the bottom, of course you could already expect where this went to, all the students laughed at me, even the teacher, the teacher couldnt stop laughing and said "go get changed" soon the news spread around the school and I said nothing to my parents about it, when the bus came to pick me up for school the next day I simply didnt go back, I left that school just when I was about to finish Grade 12, my parents of course being the simple people they are shouted at me and my father was about to hit me until I threatened them with my own suicide or calling child support, soon they left me alone too. I heard the news about how I failed all my courses for not attending school and didnt care, eventually my parents just decided to leave me alone about my school issue. Of course this isnt a complete run down of all the abuse and pain I suffered through out my life but its a pretty good summary of it. Soon after leaving high school I miraculously found freedommainradio from the "story of your enslavement" video from there I have been keeping track and listening to many podcasts and videos by stef, although it makes me feel better that I was never really in the 'wrong' about most of the things that happened to me I am still merely a shell of my former self, I feel as if I am broken beyond repair, even now I still play video games everday not really doing anything, but now I dont feel good about playing them 24/7. I dont really have any friends now, my parents have simply left me alone, the rest of my parents families could give two shits about me since they are living in India and have their own problems to deal with. So I am completely alone, I am 19, I celebrated my birthday by my self on June 27th (my parents stopped celebrating my birthdays now because I talked back to them) and now I am here completely alone, depressed, broken and no Idea what my goal in life is, or why am I choosing to live even now. I currently work at walmart for a living (still living with my parents though), I could finish high school by doing 2 more courses and completing them but why should I even care? I just dont see a point finishing it if I dont even have a goal to work towards. I really just feel so helpless and cold that it bothers me alot, still today I am a shut in and dont really feel like going outside to do anything other then to go to work and buy groceries for my self. I just dont feel like doing anything really, or rather I dont feel anything at all.

 

Sorry if any of this doesnt really make sense, its just a quick rant I finished in half an hour and dont really feel like working on it anymore then I need to.

[Wesley]

I would just like to say how sorry I am for what you have experienced. Words cannot even describe what I am feeling right now.

I also would like to point out how amazing it is that despite what happened to you, it is amazing that you made it here and are reaching out to people. I do hope you continue with that journey.

[Gaurav251]

It does make me feel much better knowing there are people out there who do have real empathy. Plus I feel like a big weight that was stuck on my shoulders has been lifted slightly now,

 

I know that I will never get back my 'true self' but atleast I can put back the pieces that were shattered and broken through out the years, atleast that is my goal for now.