Matt Hill Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Hi. Ive been in a relationship with a mother of two boys about 8 and 10. I am sometimes shocked at there behavior but I dont know if Im over sensitive. They do get phsyical and hit and kick one another , swear at one another. Its not constant of course often starts with competitive situations that escalates. I have a son and two daughters of a similar age and at least one of them has said very hurtful things to him and I feel horrible about this because hes there on account of my relationship. Again its not constant and my son for the most part has a good time with them . I however am not keen on him observing this behavior or perhaps being hurt by an act of physical violence nor the name calling . I could be considered an only child growing up and I do not know what is normal competitive interaction between brothers ? I just know what I see makes me feel bad . They have lashed out at me verbally when i have attempted to intervene in a fight. I have also observed them both act agressively towards the mother. Has Steph done any podcasts on sibling rivalry that any recall ? Im trying to get perspective and decide whether I should continue to be involved ? Thanks
cherapple Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 How does the mother treat the boys? What is her reaction when they fight? What was her relationship like with the father and where is he now? I would look to the parents for the source of the conflict. Children repeat what they experience. If they act aggressively toward others and their mother, it's because they have experienced it from her and/or their father. I notice that you focus almost exclusively on the children, and say very little about their mother. The children are not the root of the problem, and any solution always lies with, and is the responsibility of, the adults. Can you talk about this with the mother? Is she willing to work with you? What does she say about the cause for her children's behavior? It sounds like a big responsibility to take on, problems that you didn't create, and you are perhaps having second thoughts? Do a search on "siblings" under podcasts and you will find several.
Matt Hill Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Hi, and thanks . Yes i agree the behavior is a reflection yet it is a tough suggestion to broach. The younger boy seems to reflect the older so my thoughts are toward the older . The younger boy acts out in a more shocking manner to seek attention I guess . I did try to ease into the conversation with mom say something like " this behavior comes from somewhere - its a reflection of something . Right.? Is he bullied at school ? Where is it coming from? " I encouraged her to seek ways to make agression unacceptable." I think shes frustated with it ? Seems like they will hit one another until one gets hurt and run to her ,rather than intervening ? I dont see any of the interchange between the father and her. He gets them often . The only insight ive seen is an email she shared with me from him. It was mean and bullying towards her. The kids have a good routine. We do talk about the situation . My gut is Im not oversensitive. She has this thing that if im confronting or discussing why hitting is wrong afterwards with the kids that I am re enforcing a feeling of badness in the child? And " love the bully" . I myself was bullied at times by school mates and I feel a bit triggered when Im around this behavior . Makes me aggitated. Particularily when my son was called horrible names. I get the feeling she doesnt view it as such a problem as I do ? I did express my concerns with her however i an open manner .
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