Miramiss Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 So! I made an account here a couple of years ago when I started to listen to FDR podcasts and was curious about anarcism and wanted to explore it further. I never really got into it back then caused by many things. Not gonna get into details, but after 2 years, started on my third, of fighting and loosing to the system for something as simple as live in my own country with my foreign husband, I just broke mentally. We are talking paranoia, panic-anxiety, PTSD, extreeme sleep deprivation, social-anxiety and a high number of phobias to mention some. Some of those issues I have struggled with for years, but no one has taken me serious. I never have had more than a 50% job because it is physical impossible for me.I am now 90-100% disabled as a direct cause of how the system and its rules have treated me troughout the years. "Luckely" I live in a country where we have almost identical healthcare system as Canada. I get payed a small amount of money every month to pay rent and buy food. The state also cover my treatment (that is non-existent or making it worse). The problems are: I hate being dependent on the state like this, especially since I would not have been in this situation in the first place if I could just live with my husband and mind our own bussiness or if I got help back when it all first started 27 years ago. I need a way to accept my situation. I know I am living on stolen money. I have for years. But what should I do? I am not able to work. Most days I am not able to leave the house. Some days I can not even leave my bedroom. The money I get from the state is the only thing I have to keep me and my husband alive. It is measured for one person, and we are two adults living off of it. (He is not allowed to work since he will not get a work permit) There is ways I could get out of this, but it would make me a criminal so it is out of question.It will not last forever, I am aware. We have plans on how to get out of our situation, tho it can take years before we get there. Right now it is embarracing and humiliating to know that my excistens depends on money the state has stolen. I am not living the way I want to live. I am trapped! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDB Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 what should I do? I am not able to work. Your situation sounds terrible. I'm so sorry no one has taken you seriously. I am not qualified to give advice, but you did ask. I think Stef would say something like, self-knowledge is the first step toward any serious goal. You have some access to the Internet, so presumably that is an option. You also seem to have moved from recognizing a mistake you have made to condemning yourself for it. I hope you will consider working on self-compassion and self-forgiveness. If you can learn from a mistake and then move on, it can be seen as a qualified positive. If you use it to motivate self-attack, then it is a pure negative. What do you see as your strengths? What would you be doing if money was not such a pressing issue? Could you write a blog or run a web business, or would that violate the terms of your relief income? Is there any area of your life where you are the one who is in control, and you could expand it? Okay, that's about as vague as it can be. I apologize, but I am not a pro. Hope it helps. TDB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miramiss Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 what should I do? I am not able to work. Your situation sounds terrible. I'm so sorry no one has taken you seriously. I am not qualified to give advice, but you did ask. I think Stef would say something like, self-knowledge is the first step toward any serious goal. You have some access to the Internet, so presumably that is an option. You also seem to have moved from recognizing a mistake you have made to condemning yourself for it. I hope you will consider working on self-compassion and self-forgiveness. If you can learn from a mistake and then move on, it can be seen as a qualified positive. If you use it to motivate self-attack, then it is a pure negative. What do you see as your strengths? What would you be doing if money was not such a pressing issue? Could you write a blog or run a web business, or would that violate the terms of your relief income? Is there any area of your life where you are the one who is in control, and you could expand it? Okay, that's about as vague as it can be. I apologize, but I am not a pro. Hope it helps. TDB I have talked with my fair share of "pro" people. The last one interrupted me in the middle of my first sentence to pat my knee and tell me I was just spiraling downwords in negative thoughts. I should just go to bed earlier and drink camomille tea. This is a far better advise. The thing is, I have not really done anything wrong. I don't try to say I am flawless and never do mistakes, but my mistake was finding the love of my life and wished to live together with him. Is that really a mistake? My other mistake before I found my husband, was getting infected on the membrain, getting isolated and chained to a hospital bed with medication streaming into my brain in the age of 16 months. They forgot me there until my mom found me. I got som much medication my forehead had swollen up and hung down in my face and blinded me. That was when my problems started. I do have plenty of good things I could do. I have many good skills and much knowledge (you get that from sitting up all night [] ) The problem is that I have no energy left what-so-ever to do them. I have longer periods of time I sleep 3 hours or less at night. When I finally get out of that, it takes a good week to get back up to get anything done. And the things that then needs to get done is basic stuff like showering, making a deacent meal, take all those phonecalls I have avoided for the last weeks, and so on. I am working on a illustration-project, and it would be great to keep that up, but the program I have to follow is demanding things from me that makes it impossible. I have not touched the project for a month since I had to prove just how bad I am functioning at work. I have more things to do to "prove" that I actually have problems. My situation is that the state says "jump" and if I answer anything but "how high?" they take my support money. I am in control of what I eat, how much of it, and when. As long as I am not "working" and have to wear a uniform, I am in control of what I wear. Spend time with my housemates and husband, except when social-anxiety decides to keep me stuck in my room all day. Maybe I am stuck in my head again, I can not think of anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe the Hobo Posted July 14, 2013 Share Posted July 14, 2013 I wouldn't say you've made any "mistakes" but you've been on the receiving end of the brunt of the system. From this small window into your life I'd say you're unhappy because of abuse by beurocratical illusions used to control us. I feel like I'm in a similar boat, I am dependant on money (and the government system to some degree) but I want to be free aswell, the only way to get free is to play thier game and even then you're never free from it. True freedom for me is a realisation of how illusory laws and countries are. They're only "real" because a policeman can come and enforce them on me, force being the important word there. I don't know how you can deal with your problems but I'd say a healthy dose of self knowledge and a boost of confidence would do you good. You seem like you're on the right path here... let me rephrase that, a path to a more positive lifestyle than the average tax-farm animal carry on the good work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDB Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 .The thing is, I have not really done anything wrong. I don't try to say I am flawless and never do mistakes, but my mistake was finding the love of my life and wished to live together with him. Is that really a mistake?Sorry for jumping to conclusions (and for taking so long to reply during the FDR upgrade). You said you feel guilty. What do you have to feel guilty about? Your situation is not the result of your choices. You are on a path. You can see where it leads. Do you want to go there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lens Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 My other mistake before I found my husband, was getting infected on the membrain, getting isolated and chained to a hospital bed with medication streaming into my brain in the age of 16 months. They forgot me there until my mom found me. I got som much medication my forehead had swollen up and hung down in my face and blinded me. That was when my problems started. I am sorry that you had to live such a horrible event in your childhood. It is not your mistake for being left alone in the hospital. It was up to the people who were in charge of you to never leave alone since you were a little girl dependent on them. That situation creates much despair and anger in the child's soul. From my own experience I understood that panic attacks and social anxiety are flashbacks of traumatic events that happened in my first years. Maybe talking about your anxiety to someone close to you that doesn't judge you can help you in getting out of your bedroom and slowly enjoy some outside activities. A therapist also can help you to understand your strong feelings and express them in a healthy way. Panic attacks and anxiety bring a lot of vulnerability and also shame for being "exposed" to the outside world maybe that is why you do not want to go outside and prefer staying in your room. I can tell you there is no shame for being anxious. Try to give yourself more self compassion, self-acceptance and love yourself unconditionally. Get close to that lonely little girl inside of you who still needs for your love and empathy. Sometime ago I found this article about managing Flashbacks and Anxiety it helped me a lot I hope it will be helpful for you too. http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm Take good care Lens Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesley Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 I am so sorry you are in this situation. I am glad you are working to try to get out of it. I also believe that seeking help through therapy or whatever you can accomplish in self-knowledge would be enormously helpful, though I am not aware of what can be accomplished on such a limited income. I do not think that you need to take responsibility for where the money has come from. It sounds like the state has ruined your life. You can consider this to be some sort of penalty to make you whole for the harm caused. In a free society, if this would have happened to you then someone would owe you money, or you would be dependant on charity. Unfortunately, this is not how our current system is set up because the state has it "covered". Do not fault yourself for being here. Just do whatever you can to process past traumas- with whatever help you can get- and build yourself up to be as self-sufficient as you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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