Having fun

[Sulurith]

Alright everybody, been a long time since I've posted anything. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months, and even started attending a local group session as well. One of the revealing things my therapist has said to me is that it sounds like I don't do anything I find fun. 

 

As an affect of my depression and current dependence on my parents (as an aside, I am thinking about de-fooing, but as Stef said in at least one podcast, it has to happen naturally and when you're ready, and I just don't think I'm ready yet despite the harm) I've really lost some of the things that I used to have fun doing. 

 

I get stuck in a rut where I do the things that I used to find fun, because I think they should be, but they just aren't. 

Has anyone else lost what they used to think of as fun as they gain self-knowledge? If you have, how have you gone about finding new fun things to do?

[ribuck]

Do you have any hobbies that used to be fun? If so, in what way has that hobby become less fun?

[Guest NateC]

My fun used to be skydiving.  Skydiving was my escape from a life in which I felt trapped.  In skydiving I felt happy, I felt like continuing to live.  'Adrenaline junkie' is quite an apt term, I think.  After a while, I lost the high.  When jumping out of an airplane, the experience became routine...and I would fall to the earth at 120 mph, my mind wandering to other things as the bottom came rushing up.

 

Since then, I've made many changes to my life and done much work, therapy, journaling... I now feel less trapped in life and can feel 'normal' and happy without the 'adrenaline junkie' fun.  My 'fun' now consists of reading a book, or going to a coffee shop to meet up with like minded friends, playing pool, or visiting the botanical gardens. 

 

Sulurith, I suppose I'm attempting to delineate the meaning of fun.  If you need a brief escape from your life, reading a book may not do it for ya.  On the other hand, skydiving is highly dangerous and the escape may kill you.  I'll put forth that when you improve your environment and your emotional health, fun may be as simple as a walk outdoors.

 

Just my rambling thoughts, hope something in there might be helpful.

[Sulurith]

Do you have any hobbies that used to be fun? If so, in what way has that hobby become less fun?

 

I don't really have any hobbies at all, and I wouldn't know how to cultivate them if I did. I understand that part of getting and enjoying hobbies is trying new things and spending time on the stand-out  activities, but it will be at least a month before I'm able to spend some serious time on doing such things, so I'm looking at a deeper idea of fun, so let me explain a bit about what I understand to be fun.

 

I spent a lot of my time in my childhood as many young boys do, engrossed in video games. Gaming was my "hobby" and I joined groups and lead groups of adults to at least some achievement in that world. It seemed fun at the time. As I've gotten older it has rapidly lost its appeal, and the gaming I do now is done exactly as an escape. Gaming isn't fun, it's just better than my current situation. 

 

Similarly, my outings with nearly life-long friends, have changed over the last few years as well. Formerly I enjoyed heated discussion and the respect I got from my peers. Now I am more affected by my self-doubt and my friend-group has gotten smaller, losing the people with whom I had the most vigorous conversations.

 

After a gaming session or good outing with friends I had a lasting satisfaction from the events that had unfolded that night. This lasting satisfaction is what I've noticed to be missing. The actions remain adequately distracting in the moment, but they are not as fun because I've lost my rigorousness in my approach to them. With this gone, not only do I return to my previous emotional state when the activity ends, but the "high" of fun during the activity isn't so high any more.

[ribuck]

I'm an old guy who grew up before gaming existed, so I won't comment specifically on gaming.

 

But in general I think one's childhood interests will fade over time. Friend-groups will shrink as people go their own way. Some friends get caught up on the career treadmill, others start raising a family, etc.

 

It might be worth looking for something completely new to invigorate yourself. Perhaps learning another language in a group setting? Joining a hiking club? Contributing to an open-source software project?

 

As a teenager, I was made keen on ham radio. I thought it was going to be a lifelong interest, but after a few years the passion faded. In my twenties I took up outdoor pursuits (hiking, mountain-climbing, caving etc) and three decades later I still find these things pleasurable.

[Wesley]

My recommendation if you are trying to discover a hobby is to go out there and try things. There may be community activities, clubs, events, meet-ups, and other things. Find anything and everything and try it out and see what happens. At some point you will find people (or person) who you have fun with or an activity that was enjoyable. You can then continue to grow based on that thing y ou found enjoyable. I don't know how active meet-ups are in your area, but that may be a place to start. If there is a college in the area or a community club or something you may be able to find where they place special events. Just try it all and eventually you are bound to discover something.

 

Even if something is not fun, then thats one thing you can cross off your list, which can be valuable information as well.

 

In my experience, the people make all the difference. Putting in the effort to find at least one good friend is worth a lot as you can even just go to lunch with them and it becomes fun. You likely will need to go to these clubs and events to find (a) good friend(s).

[Sulurith]

Thanks for the input. Unfortunately I just don't have the schedule to do that it seems to me. Any of the meetups I've found in my area seem to be meeting up when I'm at work during the evenings, or during the day in the week when I'm working on my classwork for University.

[Cornellius]

Let me say I empathize.

 

I am 19 years old since the 13th. I have suffered from a feeling of blandness throughout my life, a feeling of emptiness, like nothing is worth living. Much of my life has been spent indoors, doing ridiculously long sessions of internets, trying to numb the fact that everybody in my age range and my older sister seemed to be doing three times as well as me. I internalized a lot of my emotions, which developed into a sort of Nihilism. At some point, I had openly become allergic to SMILING.During my teenage years, and up to now, the interest in pleasure and life in general have been peeling themselves off one at a time. Less and less self-maintenance, less and less amibitions, quitting college, quitting a job, quitting a med, quitting this and that. In my apartment, I stopped tidying up as I went on month by month.

 

I can honestly say I have hit rock bottom.

 

From the "normal" kind of life I have been going through to now, pleasure seems to have dipped. I spend entire days online, and from an external standpoint, my family has just assumed that I've destroyed myself. In that pit, I am finding that I don't play video games very much anymore. I don't watch any tv series. I don't see very many friends, or think about what I can become. However, this past week, I got into drawing after months of idleness. I am finding out how much it sucked to be drawing for pragmatic reasons. I started dipping into philosophy, and I am more confused than ever, now that the Socratic deep has showed me its true depth. I go out for runs, focusing on the journey when in the past, I was paranoid of the people. I only play a few video games, with the intent of mastering them.Looking back, I was never really happy. I was living in the dumb pleasure of hoping that I feel forever soothed. Now I'm learning happiness. Pleasure doesn't mean anything, but it is a great friend that helps me make up for my biological needs.

It is comfort that matters, to know where I'm going.

[Mantis]

The concept of pleasure. Yes self knowledge does in fact change the things that we find pleasurable and stimulating. Nearly everything changes in a way, our musical preferences, people, hobbies and so on. While the core truth remains. Its true there is a period of confusion as you adjust to these changes. You think to yourself, how could I ever let that go, that was my life, I never imagined myself without this, or not doing that, or without these people, and now replacing it with something that seems so foreign to me. I am changing. The ultimate question becomes, Who am I?

 

So, yes its a process of letting go of the old and trying the new, and discovering who you really are. It takes time, years to actually say this is who I am, and stick with it. Let yourself be bored, there are many who work hard to become bored. Relax into life, everything else should follow. At times be ruthless, when its time to become man and stop playing video games.

[TimotheCook]

Alright everybody, been a long time since I've posted anything. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months, and even started attending a local group session as well. One of the revealing things my therapist has said to me is that it sounds like I don't do anything I find fun. 

 

As an affect of my depression and current dependence on my parents (as an aside, I am thinking about de-fooing, but as Stef said in at least one podcast, it has to happen naturally and when you're ready, and I just don't think I'm ready yet despite the harm) I've really lost some of the things that I used to have fun doing. 

 

I get stuck in a rut where I do the things that I used to find fun, because I think they should be, but they just aren't. 

Has anyone else lost what they used to think of as fun as they gain self-knowledge? If you have, how have you gone about finding new fun things to do?

I'm sort of going through similar things. When I got in my rut, I didn't feel like doing anything. I was sad at the fact that I wasn't living my values and I saw myself as immoral. My lack of integrity was disturbing. What I'm doing to start to climb out of that rut is thinking of tangible ways to live the principles. The principles being honest and curious about myself, the people around me, and the situations and things I find around me. I find that when I find something to being curious about things start to become a lot more fun. I also have been looking for a job(to get some money saved up to move out of my mom's house) and have been looking for interesting things to learn online(cousera has a lot of free online college level courses on a broad spectrum of topics).

 

This is all conjecture and I'm open to being wrong in this, but I wager that it's not that you've fallen into a rut. It's more that you've now seen the emptiness in all aspects of your life. Your hobbies, friends, family all seem to have lost a certain quality that they had before you knew the truth. It maybe more like you are in the exact same play pin as you have been and none of the toys are interesting, all of the people are condescending and sarcastic, and you see through the bars to the possible world that you could be inhabiting. I think you're right in thinking you shouldn't just go out into the world. You need to prepared to tackle all the challenges of the world and want to tackle them with gusto. That way it'll be fun to live in the world, instead of depressing. You're going to therapy and and are listening to the ideas in this show so I think you're well on your way.

 

Tell me if this has been helpful at all. Again, I've been going through the same sort of things, so these are the thoughts that I've had about it. Mostly pertaining to my situation, but hopefully will help you with your's.

[Sulurith]

I'm sort of going through similar things. When I got in my rut, I didn't feel like doing anything. I was sad at the fact that I wasn't living my values and I saw myself as immoral. My lack of integrity was disturbing. What I'm doing to start to climb out of that rut is thinking of tangible ways to live the principles. The principles being honest and curious about myself, the people around me, and the situations and things I find around me. I find that when I find something to being curious about things start to become a lot more fun. I also have been looking for a job(to get some money saved up to move out of my mom's house) and have been looking for interesting things to learn online(cousera has a lot of free online college level courses on a broad spectrum of topics).

 

This is all conjecture and I'm open to being wrong in this, but I wager that it's not that you've fallen into a rut. It's more that you've now seen the emptiness in all aspects of your life. Your hobbies, friends, family all seem to have lost a certain quality that they had before you knew the truth. It maybe more like you are in the exact same play pin as you have been and none of the toys are interesting, all of the people are condescending and sarcastic, and you see through the bars to the possible world that you could be inhabiting. I think you're right in thinking you shouldn't just go out into the world. You need to prepared to tackle all the challenges of the world and want to tackle them with gusto. That way it'll be fun to live in the world, instead of depressing. You're going to therapy and and are listening to the ideas in this show so I think you're well on your way.

 

Tell me if this has been helpful at all. Again, I've been going through the same sort of things, so these are the thoughts that I've had about it. Mostly pertaining to my situation, but hopefully will help you with your's.

 

You're definitely on to something with the empty feeling.

[Stephen C]

I want to send some compassion your way, Sulurith, and also to you, Cornelious. Feeling unable to find fun or enjoyment is pure torture. I'm familiar with that, I'm familiar with the empty feeling.  I can't tell you how often I see children being attacked for having fun, it drives me nuts. I see so many children that can't run, hop, spin, touch things, get dirty, be loud, climb, etc without being attacked. When I walk about the city I see many children are even on leashes. Fucking human leashes, it's foul! Sometimes a child will run out or walk into my path and I stop to acknowledge them and smile or say "Hello", but within' 2 seconds their parents are yelling at them to get out of the way. Children are really treated like dogs, and I would even say that dogs in general get better treatment. A memory I've worked on in therapy was from when I was 2 years old. My mother and I took a plane to California to see my father, this was my first time meeting him. One of the days we went to a place called "Golf n' Stuff". I was too little to be able to play miniature golf, I couldn't hold and swing the golf club and I wasn't coordinated enough to really get involved. I watched them play and saw that they were trying to get the ball to go into the hole, so I decided to join them and also help the best way I could. When one of them would hit the ball I would enthusiastically chase it and when it stopped I would pick it up and run it to the hole to drop it in. My father didn't like this, he told me not to do it, but I didn't listen. I chased the ball again, picked it up and put it in the hole and my father lost it. He said he's not going to play anymore because there's no point in it without keeping score. He slapped me, grabbed my arm and dragged me across the golf course to the exit. My mother told him to stop, but not with the viciousness that she would impose on me when she wanted me to do something throughout my life. :(When I visited that memory as the person I am now I stood between my father and my 2 year old self. My father told me to get out of the way and tried to push by me. My therapist took my 2 year old self off to a park nearby so they could play. Meanwhile, I grabbed the golf club from my fathers hand and beat him to death with it. I left him as a puddle of flesh on the floor. I turned to my mother who was acting as if she was helpless in the situation and couldn't of done anything. I spit on her face and told her she should be ashamed of herself. I turned from her and scolded everyone in the golf course for not intervening and let them know this is the main reason why the world is as fucked up as it is. Then, I left to go see my 2 year old self who was still happily playing at a nearby park with my therapist. He told me and my therapist that he just wanted to help, and he was really excited to be able to do something with his mother and father together for the first time. I have tears coming up just thinking about it.Anyway, there's a lot more to this story, but I wanted to share at least this part because it might help you fine peoples find similar memories where you were attacked for having fun, being excited or enthusiastic. Take your fun back! 

[carlip]

I see that you stated you found fun, while gaming, to lead and start groups involving other people. So I would say that gaming is the tool you used to craft fun in sharing experiences with people. The game could be an awl, the group would be the desk you're crafting. It's not the using the tool that is the particularly fun thing it's knowing the result.

 

What kind of games did you play? Do those games hold the same interest level for you? Did you do other things, programming, graphic design, sound/video editing etc?

 

I sometimes find myself reminiscing for a time in my past where I thought I felt safe and secure, but if more closely examine the desire I realize it's very misinterpreted and that I am forgetting that there were also bad things going on. And in my life those bad things were generally worse than what's going on now. I've even reminisced about a time I spent 6 months in jail.

 

I guess my point would be that you shouldn't spend so much time idolizing the past because it is negating action in the present which will hold back your future.

[TimotheCook]

You're definitely on to something with the empty feeling.

could you expand on that? whats missing, and what is the cause of the empty feeling?