annamoo Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 I'm new to this community and want to embrace the peaceful parenting idea. I've talked to my wife about it and we both are in agreement. We want to be better parents, we want to shun violence. We have four kids aged 9, 10, 12, 14. I'm going to be totally open with you here. My own upbringing in the 1970s and 1980s was mildly violent. I was spanked both in temper and "rationally" by my father as punishment, bare buttocks. I was shouted at, slapped, threatened with a camel whip (seriously), hit with a slipper, wooden spoon and gym shoe all in the name of discipline. The violence was not frequent, but was administered when I had been "naughty" or "rude". When I was aged 13 I went to private boarding school and was administered corporal punishment there too on occasion, but not frequently. Wow, when I reflect on it now, it seems quite brutal but I have a good, albeit "formal" relationship with my parents now, and if you met them you would think they were kind decent people. I don't want to do the same to my own kids, but I fear it has been too late already, and I feel terrible. I want to stop all forms of violence including shouting, but I sometimes just find myself relapsing into shouting and I only come out of it afterwards, and I feel ashamed, guilty and neglectful. I did smack my eldest son a few times, but very rarely and I always felt terrible afterwards and apologised to him later and told him I shouldn't have done it. There was an incident today. My son is 12 years old, nearly 13. My wife had cooked a lovely meal and my son wanted to take his meal to the lounge in front of the TV on his own. I said no, have your dinner with us at the table so we can all have a conversation together. I want us to have family meal times so we can be a family! He said no. I said, "I would really like it if you could sit down. Wouldn't it be nice for us to talk?" He said, "No, I don't want to.". I then commanded him. "Sit down". "NO!". That's how it started. I got angry and started yelling at him and can't even remember what I said now. My other two boys then started crying. My wife got angry with me, and she is right to be. I'm angry at myself, that I lost control against my own wishes. I don't want to shout at my kids any more and I can go weeks on end with not raising my voice at all, and then if I'm tired, stressed or <insert excuse here> I forget to not shout, and I do it again. How can I not shout? It's obviously borne out of anger, and I need to control that, but I'm not even sure where to begin. My wife is helping me do it, she's great. She is very devoted, loving to both me and my kids. I would be keen to hear from anyone that used to be a SHOUTER, and managed to stop. It's silly. I don't shout at work, so why am I doing it at home? Thanks for "listening".
Wesley Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 One of the first things you should do is deal with this instance before you move on to the future. Talk to your kid. Tell him you were so sorry for what you did. Ask him why he didn't want to do it. Try and empathize and see what is happening from his perspective. Be curious and ask, and apologize profusely for anything you did wrong. My first thoughts are that you were not curious as to why he wanted what he wanted or what he was avoiding. Instead of demanding obedience, ask him. If games or TV are more interesting, then you need to step up your conversation game in order to hold his interest. Maybe he was trying to avoid your yelling. Maybe he doesn't like this rule and doesn't see the point to it. Ask, be curious, treat him as someone with his own thoughts, wishes and desires that may be different from yours. Good luck!
LovePrevails Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Hi Thomas - good on you for wanting to make such a radical change in your life The first thing to remember is Parents are Mortals - not Gods Mistakes will be made and that will be fine so long as we are not hypocrites and are able to say we have been wrong "I'm sorry I shouted at you and made you cry, that is not the kind of relationship I want us to have together, I would like to communicate with you in different ways." and then make a commitment to learning new ways to express yourself when angry, frustrated or upset. It will pay dividends! are words that are music to a childs ear - they get used to being mistreated and no one even acknowledging any wrong doing! And so when people admit their limitations it really means a lot to them - in my experience If you would like, I run a youtube channel dedicated to providing resources to people who are interested in improving their toolbox when it comes to peaceful parenting, please check it out if it pleases you to do so: www.youtube.com/theprogressiveparent
annamoo Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I have already started to implement what you have. I have told my kids that if I ever shout at them, they need to just say, "Dad, you're shouting." and then I'll stop. We'll see how it goes...
PatrickC Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I have already started to implement what you have. I have told my kids that if I ever shout at them, they need to just say, "Dad, you're shouting." and then I'll stop. We'll see how it goes... Hi annamoo, I think that's a great start of course. However, my first thoughts is that you are putting a lot of the onus onto your children to let you know when you're acting out. Of course they should be free to express their feelings if you are unconsciously making them fearful, but I'm fairly sure you understand when you are shouting. I have some sympathy mind, I grew up in a similar household, where raised voices and shouting were often the norm. So as adults we can become acclimatised to much of it and therefore assume that others (inc children) won't be so shocked by our outbursts. I think it's probably fine to suggest to your children that they try and help you. But it would probably encourage them more if they saw their own father taking positive steps himself recognise those moments too. Anyway regardless, I'm still impressed by you and your wifes agreement to shun violence.
cherapple Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 What was the fear behind the shouting? What were you afraid would happen if your son didn't sit down to dinner with you? What was angering, frightening, or even panic inducing about the fact that he didn't want to? I always follow the principle of starting with myself, knowing and changing myself, so that I can better stop trying to change my children in attempt to comfort myself. Your history is horrendous, and yelling is an expression of panic, in my experience. If you are just beginning to examine your history, I can only imagine the childhood parts in you that still scream to be heard. It's up to you, if you want to hear them now. It was your parents' responsibility to hear you, and they did worse than not listen. When you don't hear yourself, you repeat your parents' behavior against yourself, and worst of all against your children. It's not your children's responsibility to hear you. It's your responsibility to hear them. When you follow the signals of the children—including your child self and your wife's child self (if she will go there with you, and it sounds like she will)—they will tell you what they need from you. Your son wanted time to himself. Why? Why were you afraid to give it? Curiosity and gentleness are the key to behavior change.
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