I attacked my girlfriends false-self

[carlip]

And won?

 

She has been having weight issues most her life and I used to fall for the trap of her projecting them onto me and denying my reaction. We had an hour long talk last night.

 

When she attempted to project I refused to take ownership of the feeling, this led to her attempting to shut down multiple times, saying things like "I don't know" or "I can't remember". To which I would point out if she has these latent emotions there must be some memory. I started off very basic asking her some of her earliest memories of feeling bad about her body image. Asking for the age she felt it, where she was living, who she was with. Then all of a sudden she could remember who was there, the colors of what she was wearing, what people said, even where they were sitting when it happened.

 

I really did not expect to be able to so thoroughly smash a false-self with probing questions. As she felt the emotions again I just hugged her and explained logically how a 10 year old should not be concerned with body image as well as not have money or knowledge to eat a healthier diet, and she agreed. Then I concluded that series of questioning with getting her to say "it wasn't fair", like I actually told her she had to say it verbally. I'm not sure if that was the right approach, but I was in extremely deep water and I'm not trained in any sort of psychology, I guess that was the least harmful thing I could think to do.

 

Ill keep updates going if there is any interest in this thread, maybe you're in a similar boat with your significant other and have questions I could pose?

[Pepin]

I wouldn't call it attacking, though I can understand that it likely felt confrontational.

 

Something I'd advise is to not have any end in mind in these sorts of conversation. Like instead of telling her to say "it wasn't fair", which happens to be a conclusion, ask some more questions.

 

Within myself and others I've found that a large block is applying concepts to ourselves while being fully capable of applying the to others. So I might not find how I was treated by someone to be an issue, but I would consider it to be quite a problem when I see someone else being treated like this. The obvious way to get around such a block is to ask if it would be right for someone to do this to someone else, and if they reply no, ask if it would be right for them to do it to you.

 

Something else to keep in mind is that some people are going to take time to accept what is in front of them. I am very much like this. Whenever I discover something concerning within my life, I understand the issue with it rationally very quickly, yet there is still a large momentum in the other direction. It may take an hour to a month to internalize.

[Mishelle]

It is very loving of you to take this on with her!  I just hope you'll remember that when she reverts back to old ways of being next week.  Your patience will be the next loving action, but that's a fine balance, of course.  You don't want the focus of the relationship to be on her issues, rather than your own, or your needs in future.

 I really applaud that you refused to take responsibility for her false centers!  Good luck!

[Dave Bockman]

'I attacked...' ..smashed the false-self...'

 

No, please stop.

[cherapple]

The false self attacks and smashes the false self.