How Things Unraveled: Foo Problems (I need some help)

[Alexandru Stan]

Hello Freedomainers,

I have recently contacted Stefan, through the Sunday Show, during a trip with my family to the country of origin. The question that I was struggling with was how to resolve the problem with my father that has been going on for my whole life, my lack of choice. The problem of screaming and threatening to get the outcome he deemed as best case for my life. So I had very little choice and whenever I had preferences that did not agree with his views I would get punished physically or verbally, to "correct" my behaviour.

Here is the link to the Sunday Call in Show recording from Stefan's page: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvOIodsjO-k

I guess after finishing the podcast and after listening to Stefan's argument for how I should approach the situation, I felt quite anxious about implementing it and also doubtful that it would not work. So I pondered on it and after a while, when I returned to United States, alone with my father, the conversation started but not by me. I was constantly verbally threatened and humiliated about why I choose not to continue my Computer Science Degree which I had completed almost an Associate's Degree worth of material, some non transferable since my poor grades. My father had invested about $4000 plus money for transport and books to it and the rest I paid with loans about $6000.

I don't recall making the most informed decision about my major, nor about going to college. As soon as I left high school my father had requested me to take some summer courses at the community college where we lived. At the time I had no working permit since my parents had not yet overcome that barrier due to my father constantly moving from job to job and not being able to find any  sponsor for the Green Card application. The fear of having the same retaliation, over me preferring not to go to college, from my father  would bring much verbal abuse and I would be thrown out of the house if I disobeyed. (these threats would be casually dropped at dinner parties and as a rule that I had heard numerous other times in other situations).

I thus kept my grades a secret and kept up a facade of truth about my grades and school work. I would also be constantly lectured about habits that I had picked up such as staying up to late and not having good study practices. I was scared of being thrown out of the house and not have any protection due to my inability to work.

This continued until my mother acquired her Green Card and thus the family. Maybe a year after that I bumped into Stefan's youtube page, and I started with self-knowledge.

I have made the decision that going to school now and having to pay another $50,000 for the rest of the Computer Science degree which I do not find that I can place my passion into as I have been doing with philosophy and psychology. During my decision process my parents requested an official transcript from my school and I gave in and wrote the application, and they discovered about my failing grades.

Back to after I returned to America, the verbal abuse continued, and my father demanded to give him reasons why going to college is a good thing and why finishing something that you started is a good thing and that what I was doing, by not continuing, was a bad thing. This happened almost 2 weeks straight, the conversations initiated by him full of verbal humiliation, threats and manipulation, If I did not comply to what he wanted. Every time I would state that it was my choice and I did not want to go and that I needed help with resolving some of the problems that he had caused in my childhood. After my mother and brother arrived to United States two weeks after we had I began to stop talking about it and also left the house in order to avoid not being yelled at after numerously telling him that yelling and and the verbal humiliation is destructive to be and brings a lot of fear. Then the manipulations. If I would continue to leave (leave the conversation) I would have to pay him to stay there and if I would leave I should not come back. I got progressively more angry and I did something regrettable.

My father came into my room and he started as always to tell me what I was doing wrong and why I could not clean my room in a timely fashion. I told him I did not want to talk to him, and he kept screaming and I told him to go scream at other people to see if they would listen. At that point I was in a fight or flight state. He brought up that in his house he gets to scream as he wants and  if I am crazy and need to see a psychologist to go do that,  something that I mentioned to him about me needing some psychological help to resolve some of the problems he and my mother have caused. My anger took the best of me and I pounded on my desk, and screamed “Get Out!”I obviously cannot handle being around either my father and even my mother. I have a younger brother that is going through almost the same situation that I was going through when I was younger but in a way probably more because my parents have no choice but to be with him; I was sent to my grandparents for my younger age and I had very little exposure to my father or my mother as oppose to my brother. There is no community or family help that they are a part of here in the isolation that they choose in United States.I have had a few friends tell me I could stay at their houses or on campus with them, but I am just recently starting a job in the area.I do not know how I should handle myself, and what should I do in case of my father always verbally abusing me, until I can get out of the house. I have even had threats upon my property. I fear for my sanity. What I had exposed was rage directed at him and frankly I just got out of there and stopped shortly after that happened. I feel like the rage, even as Stefan pointed, even if it is directed at the right people, it is still continuing the cycle that my parents put me through. And that also angers me and frightens me. And what about my brother, what if I leave I usually was there for protection at times and for his support? I know there are social workers that I could call but I’m just scared of where he would end up or if that will only provoke my father even more.

Lengthy, but you guys decide on my communication effectiveness.

[Mishelle]

I really get what a confusing and disempowering time this is for you and am sending healing energy to you in this situation, for whatever that's worth.  I just want to say that the best piece of advice I've ever heard in my life, which clearly applies to your conflict: "Secure your own safety mask first."

This is just not the time to worry about your brother, as hard as that is to hear. Keep focusing on your desires and needs and act there, when you are safe from this abuse you will have more clarity and strength as how to be a support to others.

I know this comes from a stranger and someone not trained in this kind of thing, but I have personal experience, you don't need them, and you can live very well without them, and your brother will learn more through your example than through your suffering.

Good luck!

[Dave Bockman]

If it were me, I would get some breathing room, even if it's for just a few days, take your friends up on their generous offers and borrow a couch/spare bedroom for a few days

[Stephen C]

I agree with Mishelle and Dave. I'm sorry this is the situation you've got on your plate, Alexandru. From your post alone it's obvious to me that you're very sane and intelligent, I'm sure you can navigate this difficult situation brilliantly. 

[Alexandru Stan]

Thank you Mishelle, Dave and Stephen.I'm in the process of starting a job that should provide me my comfort away from home.Mishelle I've never heard this saying "Secure your own safety mask first." Or maybe I've never listened for it. I saw online that it might have something to do with airplanes? About my brother, I have received very similar response in my intro thread, and it's a bit hard to process leaving him with my parents. But I understand that my life would not move on.Dave that has been on my mind, my father has even told me that if I don't stay and talk to him when he engages me he demanded I give him money. I find it very absurd and manipulative, and frankly I don't think any sort of threats to my property and myself are going to cut it.Stephen, I've been wrestling with my sanity for some time. Well at least I thought that there was a problem, but family and friends helped normalize their own behavior, and I felt like the odd one out until I bumped into FreedomainRadio.