carlip Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 My grand father died a couple weeks ago. He was 88, and had been ill since having a stroke 3 or 4 years ago. I was never very close to him. I have probably spent a total of 1 month of my life around him at family functions, I am currently 27. The last time I saw him was 2 years ago for lunch while I was vacationing in Arizona. I live in Minnesota and its not often I can just drive off or get on a plane to go much of anywhere. I have one memory embedded in my vision of him. I should start off by saying he is extremely religious. When I was around 8 I was playing NES at his house in Arizona while on a family vacation. It was a Sunday morning, and time for church. I thought I was on vacation, but apparently you can't get a vacation from God. Everyone was loading into the cars, except for me. My grandpa came into the room and smacked the controller from my hand and grabbed me by arm and pulled me up and said I had to go. Up until that time I had no ill feelings towards him of any kind, but that day is something I've never forgotten. I feel as though he just used us as a prop to look good in front of his fellow church members. It was scary for me at the time as I did not understand why I was being, what I felt as, attacked. I never talked to him about it later in life because I did not want to look like a non-forgiving asshole in front of my family. But I think that it wouldn't have mattered what I felt or had to say because he would have put religion first anyway. So now he is dead, and while I have empathy for my family, I can't find the emotion to really care. I'm not sure if I should just act as if I'm as sad as the rest of my family, who aside from my immediate family I do not really ever see. (I don't even see my immediate family all that much either, but that can e for another time.) Should I just try to blend in? I also feel like I should stand up for my inner child as say something, but I'm not sure to whom I would say it. I should also mention that there is a funeral on aug 19th, to which I have taken off work and already bought airline tickets for me and my girlfriend.
Lens Posted August 7, 2013 Posted August 7, 2013 Hello carlip, Ask the 8 year old boy you once were if with that painful memory he would have gone to that funeral. It is there where your true feelings are. As adults we tend to guilt ourselves for not feeling sad or not conforming and especially when we try to be good to ourselves. I hope you'll make the right decisions based on your best interest and surely not out of the best interest of others. I can feel your childhood pain Best luck Lens
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