Skeezix Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Please point me to any earleir threads that addressed this. We are using our money to pay off our debts so my wife can quit her job and be home with our daughter (2 1/2 years old). I grew up with physically and substance abuse parents and do not want to use our money on my therapy. (I'm 44 years old.) We forbid any hitting in our house and have read a bunch of books on child rearing. If you have any recommendations on child rearing books, guides, webinars, etc... please let me know. Skeezix
Pepin Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 Hi, I am quite glad to hear that this is something you are interested in and willing to take action on. I am not a parent, but I've made a lot of progress within the last couple of years in regard to my perception of children. I used to dislike them quite a lot and had a difficult time empathizing and sympathizing with them. I'd say I have pretty much gotten past that through the self-work I have done. I have also made many positive changes to myself. Stefan has a video about self-knowledge here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dM21g10csv4 A book is Self-Therapy by James Earley. Its focus is on the internal family systems model, which in the FDR community is often referred to the mecosystem. I'd also advise a lot of thought and imagining yourself in the child's shoes. It may also help to think in terms of how actions in the present during childhood have a large impact brain structure in the future. Also, always being aware that their brain are not developed and that so many of the things they do "wrong" are a result of something they have no control over. It might sound odd, but I'd also recommend meditation. There are proven benefits, many that would aid you in your pursuit. You only need 5-15 minutes a day to do nothing.
Marco Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 +1 for recommending meditation (and science for it!), which I had not considered. Do you know any good books about it? I have read a couple of books about it but they were not very helpfull (e.g. a mystic going on about how his wife left him because he spend too much time on meditation... ).
Pepin Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I'd recommend the book Meditation by Relaxation in Plain English by Bob Sharples. It is very practical and will clear up much confusion. The author describes three different types of meditation (relaxation, visualization, and concentration I believe) and there are many exercises in the book. I find it to be a good way to get in touch with my internal world and to understand it. One meditation exercise I like is sitting in a dark room and staring at the flame of a candle. If you remain relaxed and still enough, your vision will zoom in on the flame and that is all you will see. There is a neurological reason for this occurrence, but I forgot what it is, but it is really cool when it happens.
gwho Posted August 10, 2013 Posted August 10, 2013 I find meditation to be done after you solve and figure out things, or as you solve them out.closing your eyes and sitting still and thinking about things isn't exactly the best first step in solving repressed, calcified problems.
Pepin Posted August 11, 2013 Posted August 11, 2013 Personally, I find that I have a difficult time doing any sort of deep introspection without prior relaxation and calming of the mind. A large portion of parts within my mecosystem are inaccessible or difficult to interpret without at least some relaxation. Another issue I have is that my impulsive/unconscious thought process, which almost makes up the whole, is far too fast for to really keep up with. It is kind of like when someone says something so wrong that about twenty objections pop up in your head automatically. Meditation helps slow down this effect significantly, and I am able to focus on one stream of thought, as opposed to being overwhelmed and easily distracted. Learning how to focus is pretty key for anyone who ignores/represses trauma, and recognizing when it happens is a lot harder to do when it is so ingrained. It is very easy to deflect and get off topic. If you have listened to any of the FDR listener conversations, that tends to be a repeating theme. A great use in the in visualizations is to put yourself in a situation to gain a better ability to empathize with those in that situation. This I believe has had the biggest impact of my ability to empathize with children, as I used to have no reaction at all to abusive parenting practices. Speaking scientifically, there have been found to be many positive benefits in emotional processing and self improvement. Personally I find the neurological findings within the brain to be the most convincing evidence, particularly in regard to the amygdal. I do not really wish to make this discussion about meditation unless the original poster wishes to delve deeper on it, so I'm stopping here.
Ruben Zandstra Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Hi Skeezix, In terms of parenting what's been of practical help to me has been Gordon's book called "Parent effectiveness training". It's well known, and is probably available in local libraries and secondhand stores. In terms of selfwork I can highly recommend books by Alice Miller. I have a copy of a book of her in English that I can spare, if you PM me I will send it to you.
JonnyD Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Maybe it's just my experience but I personally find therapy overrated - it feels like the therapist doesn't know enough to help me, I've often imagined a good therapy session would be like a Stefan listener conversation. The best experience I had in terms of healing was expressing myself to someone safe, which allowed me to let go of a lot of shame I was holding. Continue working on self knowledge, talking to safe people, and develop a part (look up Internal Family Systems) within yourself that is a therapist. Until you can afford a real therapist, focus your energy on getting to a place where you can make money.
JacktheThriller Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 What is the going rate for a competent therapist in your area? If you feel like you will benefit from therapy perhaps budgeting/sacrificing from another area to pay for it is an option. For example, work some overtime to pay for the therapy expense.(Dont know if thats an option) I think its great you are trying to pay off debts, but you might not want to give up self improvement if it is something you are longing for. Therapy doesn't have to be weekly, its probably worth talking it over with the therapist you were thinking of going to. All the best.
LovePrevails Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 please check out the free resources on my parenting channel www.youtube.com/theprogressiveparent another good channel for reducing your psychological woulds is www.youtube.com/gercacn
gwho Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 seriously, therapy is expensive. What is an average or medianish rate for a decently competent therapist/psychologist? i've been getting quotes of like $125-$175/hour
Wesley Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 seriously, therapy is expensive. What is an average or medianish rate for a decently competent therapist/psychologist? i've been getting quotes of like $125-$175/hour That is common, however you often can talk to a therapist about what you can afford to get a discounted rate. This is often done for people who cannot afford that much. As a slight aside, it will be expensive, but you have to evaluate the benefits of getting it done and the costs of not getting done. Stef has done this in a podcast or two where he tries to roughly estimate the costs of gifts and time with corrupt people, emotional issues you are not aware of and the costs in job or happiness, the chances of finding a wrong partner and possibly getting divorced with alimony and/or child support. Spending a good amount now for large future gains is common in the intellectual realm with college. This is a similar thing in the emotional realm. A good amount of upfront cost and work for a larger, long-term pay-off.
digitallando Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Why can't we support and listen to each other rather than spend money on therapy? Why don't we share the full extent of our traumas and care for each other? Skeezix, this is what I know so far. Ruben's suggestion, Parent Effectiveness Training is a highly valuable book for parents, has great reviews on Amazon. First become your own therapist, says retired therapist Daniel Mackler. Dream analysis most or all days and daily and voluminous journaling are necessary. Share your childhood traumas with mature adults. Spend at least a year with little to no contact with parents. These are all essential parts to the self therapy process. Mackler takes Alice Miller's ideas to a much higher level, his youtube channel and website is amazing. His books are amazing too. With his resources, his book Self-Therapy In Twelve Steps, and talking, listening, and support from each other would we have all we need for our own therapy? There are a lot of people and listeners who make close to minimum wage. One also can't build oneself up to make more money without going to therapy. Must we work 11 hours to afford one therapy session? It seems too crazy, most therapists are crap anyway. Children whose parent(s) were raped and beaten as children but had much better childhoods themselves, may still have been beaten and raped in spirit through verbal and emotional aggression and neglect. This is my newest understanding and relates to me.
gwho Posted October 15, 2013 Posted October 15, 2013 Why can't we support and listen to each other rather than spend money on therapy? Why don't we share the full extent of our traumas and care for each other? Skeezix, this is what I know so far. Ruben's suggestion, Parent Effectiveness Training is a highly valuable book for parents, has great reviews on Amazon. First become your own therapist, says retired therapist Daniel Mackler. Dream analysis most or all days and daily and voluminous journaling are necessary. Share your childhood traumas with mature adults. Spend at least a year with little to no contact with parents. These are all essential parts to the self therapy process. Mackler takes Alice Miller's ideas to a much higher level, his youtube channel and website is amazing. His books are amazing too. With his resources, his book Self-Therapy In Twelve Steps, and talking, listening, and support from each other would we have all we need for our own therapy? There are a lot of people and listeners who make close to minimum wage. One also can't build oneself up to make more money without going to therapy. Must we work 11 hours to afford one therapy session? It seems too crazy, most therapists are crap anyway. Children whose parent(s) were raped and beaten as children but had much better childhoods themselves, may still have been beaten and raped in spirit through verbal and emotional aggression and neglect. This is my newest understanding and relates to me. great point.the differentiating factor is the attention and expertise.
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