I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking of past parental abuse and it's making me ill

[Honest]

I remember being less than five years old and being spanked and thinking how could it be possible that my mother that claims to love me so much is causing me pain.

 

I remember when I around six my father grabbing me from my leg lifting me up effectively putting me upside down and dropping me for some reason I can not remember.

 

I remember my father telling the maid to put a bunch of my toys in trash bags and to get them in the bin.

 

I remember my father telling me how if I ever got kidnapped he wouldn't pay the ransom (we weren't by any means anywhere close to poor, not that it matters.)

 

I remember all throughout my childhood threats by both parents to be hit with a belt.

 

I remember all throughout primary school my mother would sit me down and watch me do homework. If I didn't understand something or after any minor spelling or otherwise trivial mistake she would lose it and start screaming incredibly loud at me and hitting the table. This happened every week day. I would cry every time.

 

I remember being desperate to please my mother and being filled with anxiety every time she looked not in a good mood. I remember always trying to show what I thought was affection and just being hopelessly desperate to make her happy, for my (misguided) efforts to be met with indifference.

 

I remember overhearing once when I was around twelve my father saying to my mother that she would get pancreatic cancer because she was so angry. I repeated this to her out of resentment (she would always use this kind of remarks against me) and the next day my father picked me up after school and in front of everyone told me that the only thing certain in my future was shit and screamed at me that he hated me a few times and threw his glasses at me so hard that they broke.

 

I remember pressing the rubber buttons of a new house phone we got (disconnected) and my father told me to not do that. I asked why and he told me it would stop working. I told him I didn't think so and he smacked me in the back of the head so hard I became dizzy.

 

I remember my dad making me kneel in front of my mother and kiss her feet and tell her that she was a goddess and that I loved her for some random comment I made.

 

I remember being in a mall when I was around ten and looking for Velcro sneakers but there weren't any in my size. I remember my father telling me it was because all the children my age knew how to tie their laces. I asked how was I supposed to know if he didn't teach me and he called me an idiot.

 

I remember being in the kitchen table with my mom when I was around sixteen and breaking down crying because I was stressed about high school and my girlfriend and she started hitting on the table and telling me she was going to go for a belt to smack me. This one stings a lot for some reason.

 

I remember being seventeen and my mother telling me that she didn't want me to go out for the next few days because she was going to go to some new age seminar. I told her that I had a few plans and she grabbed my Complete Works of Oscar Wilde book and threw it on the ground and screamed that I made her life impossible.

 

I remember being seventeen and my mother threatening to go for the gun if I didn't open the door to my room.

 

I'm nineteen at the moment. As you may have gathered my mother was very overbearing and wouldn't let me do a lot by myself, which still has vague consequences to this day regarding getting things done but I'm working on those, and I'm happy to say I overcame the most severe ones. I only speak to her twice a week tops on the phone (we live far away) and my father is dead. When I get more money I'll move to somewhere she doesn't know and change my phone. So I'm safe and can only see my life getting better if I put work in.

 

I realize this post is a little bit messy but I just felt like I had to let it all out, maybe now I'll have happy thoughts when trying to sleep.

[Lens]

I am really glad I read your post!

 

Thank you for sharing these incidents and I can tell you how much your childhood looked like my childhood.

 

I remember myself being supervised by my mom (school teacher herself) when doing my homework and each time I became thirsty the minute she sits down next to me. She would bring a bottles of water and I am still thirsty and she would scream at me for being too thirsty each time she sits to supervise me. It's like my body knows that she is not the good person for me by making me thirsty. 

 

I am so sorry that you had to go through this stuff. It is simply horrible and it is not your fault but theirs!

 

I had myself a period of time where I couldn't sleep and I would wake up screaming etc..

 

The way I got myself to sleep is to believe in what had happened to me as a child and take it seriously and to not to be afraid of my feelings. Kind of I abandoned myself to myself. The inner child would feel safe that I believe in him and his memories and feelings and not trying to find excuses for them.

 

I think that is fantastic that you have kept these memories intact. What I would recommend is you try to connect to the feelings of each event and write about how you felt then (or how you feel now) about each and every event. Generally there are feelings of fear, shame, anger, contempt and hatred but they are repressed or suppressed out of fear of being shamed and punished again. Which will never happen and you have to believe that all this is the past and now you have the right to express your rage and hatred for having being treated this way. There is no danger in that now.

 

Give yourself a lot of love and empathy. Take hot baths if you can and listen to some relaxing music it will bring you comfort and safety. There are good people out there and not everyone is like your mother and your father. Try to distance yourself from people that use you for their own needs or people that shame you. The more you do this the more you will feel grounded in your body (yourself) and in your life.

 

You have my sympathy for what you have endured in your childhood it was everything but love and respect. Your parents are horrible and you didn't choose them they chose you but now you have a choice. The choice of leaving and never forgetting.

 

Take good care.

 

Lens

[Emanuel]

Thank you for opening up like that. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I'm happy that you found this place and these ideas.

I found that they really helped me look at myself and think and act according to objective standards of reason and morality.

It's like I've been born again. But this time I'm surrounded by moral, curious and honest people.

[MaxM]

Im very sorry Honest and Lens for having parents not worthy or deserving of even your presence in everyway. your both great and have integrity and courage like me for mearly coping with anti-parents which is the religiouse equivilent to the Anti-crist. I call these human looking monsters anti-parents because everything a True parent should be they're are the opposite. Loving, caring, emotionally and finatially supportive not only would they treat you like a person not a slave but a priceless friend for life. I bet you, like me were forced into sadomasochism at least for the first few years and not once were you ask about your feelings or emotions, or what you wanted. A slave doesn't get an opinion thats how these sociopaths treated us.

 

Well here's a fact for everyone with monsters for parents. You matter. Your thoughts, feelings, emotions and most importantly your love do matter infact they are priceless it's undeniable and true for us all. We need to find someone who reconises this fact by following Stephans relationship advice it'll surely happen we started at less than the bottom of the love ladder and the emotional pain is at level 10 but we can go to 0 strait to the top of the love ladder in one shot with the right one. They're out there waiting to give and acept you with real, complete love. And you deserve it.

 

Internet hug <(^-^)>

 

Max~

[Cornellius]

I remember being less than five years old and being spanked and thinking how could it be possible that my mother that claims to love me so much is causing me pain.

 

I remember when I around six my father grabbing me from my leg lifting me up effectively putting me upside down and dropping me for some reason I can not remember.

 

I remember my father telling the maid to put a bunch of my toys in trash bags and to get them in the bin.

 

I remember my father telling me how if I ever got kidnapped he wouldn't pay the ransom (we weren't by any means anywhere close to poor, not that it matters.)

 

I remember all throughout my childhood threats by both parents to be hit with a belt.

 

I remember all throughout primary school my mother would sit me down and watch me do homework. If I didn't understand something or after any minor spelling or otherwise trivial mistake she would lose it and start screaming incredibly loud at me and hitting the table. This happened every week day. I would cry every time.

 

I remember being desperate to please my mother and being filled with anxiety every time she looked not in a good mood. I remember always trying to show what I thought was affection and just being hopelessly desperate to make her happy, for my (misguided) efforts to be met with indifference.

 

I remember overhearing once when I was around twelve my father saying to my mother that she would get pancreatic cancer because she was so angry. I repeated this to her out of resentment (she would always use this kind of remarks against me) and the next day my father picked me up after school and in front of everyone told me that the only thing certain in my future was shit and screamed at me that he hated me a few times and threw his glasses at me so hard that they broke.

 

I remember pressing the rubber buttons of a new house phone we got (disconnected) and my father told me to not do that. I asked why and he told me it would stop working. I told him I didn't think so and he smacked me in the back of the head so hard I became dizzy.

 

I remember my dad making me kneel in front of my mother and kiss her feet and tell her that she was a goddess and that I loved her for some random comment I made.

 

I remember being in a mall when I was around ten and looking for Velcro sneakers but there weren't any in my size. I remember my father telling me it was because all the children my age knew how to tie their laces. I asked how was I supposed to know if he didn't teach me and he called me an idiot.

 

I remember being in the kitchen table with my mom when I was around sixteen and breaking down crying because I was stressed about high school and my girlfriend and she started hitting on the table and telling me she was going to go for a belt to smack me. This one stings a lot for some reason.

 

I remember being seventeen and my mother telling me that she didn't want me to go out for the next few days because she was going to go to some new age seminar. I told her that I had a few plans and she grabbed my Complete Works of Oscar Wilde book and threw it on the ground and screamed that I made her life impossible.

 

I remember being seventeen and my mother threatening to go for the gun if I didn't open the door to my room.

 

I'm nineteen at the moment. As you may have gathered my mother was very overbearing and wouldn't let me do a lot by myself, which still has vague consequences to this day regarding getting things done but I'm working on those, and I'm happy to say I overcame the most severe ones. I only speak to her twice a week tops on the phone (we live far away) and my father is dead. When I get more money I'll move to somewhere she doesn't know and change my phone. So I'm safe and can only see my life getting better if I put work in.

 

I realize this post is a little bit messy but I just felt like I had to let it all out, maybe now I'll have happy thoughts when trying to sleep.

 

Sorry. These are awful events, but of course it's wonderful that you're coming out with it. I can quite relate to your nighttime issues. I've been tortured by what my parents have done to me and been unable to move on. I use my blog for that exact purpose of clearing my mind and replacing the old thoughts with prettier thoughts. Sometimes, there just isn't someone in the room with us and well we have progress to make. 

Don't forget to reorient yourself, sort out your priorities. When our mind is blank, unconscious, it is filled by impulses.

[Honest]

Thanks all of you for your kind replies, they really mean a lot and I'm grateful that there are people out there who's instant reaction isn't to call me whiny and accuse me of over reacting. Writing it down was quite helpful and I haven't been invaded by these thoughts anymore when trying to sleep or any other time. Just thought I'd let you guys know I acknowledge and appreciate your replies.

 

Regarding the suggestion by Lens to review the events and try to reconnect with my feelings, I don't think I ever fooled myself into thinking I wasn't feeling them, in my earlier years they were for the most part confusion and a kind of unrequited love towards my mother but from around twelve onwards I only felt anger and resentment, which I know now were justified. The more I chew on the fat of my early childhood experiences, the more I realize I was emotionally neglected.

 

Regarding Emanuel's experience of finding peace in ethics, I can say I can relate in a certain way. What I retreated to (and still do) when I was growing up to hide from all the lack of principle and general disorder surrounding authority figures and their proclamations was maths and strategy games. Just the fact that there is internal consistency and perfectly objective truth in these things made me feel warm and cozy inside. Ethics never, and still doesn't do it for me because it seems to be an inherently fuzzy subject, but the principle of finding a kind of rest and happiness in truth is shared between both of our experiences.

[STer]

Honest,

 

Based on your description of how your parents treated you, I would seriously be suspicious of whether they had personality disorders. Mynameismax mentioned the word "sociopaths." That is possible. But first I would look into Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Learning about that - and the other disorders similar to it that are marked by reduced empathy and conscience - could be a huge light bulb moment for you. Also, there are many books and forums out there specifically for people raised by those with NPD or other disorders. Having a parent or parents with a condition like these leads to a unique set of challenges and it might be really comforting for you to find people who have not only been through something generally similar in terms of an abusive childhood, but something precisely similar in terms of an abusive childhood at the hands of someone with the very same disorder.

[actions]

@honest - Thanks for the share. First and foremost I can only imagine the trauma and the resentment you have towards your parents and the situations you had to go through, however I would like to bring some light your situation and say it's great that you can bring forth your memories and have a desire to escape the people that have hurt you. When I read your timeline of unfortunate events, I notice that the situations that occurred really took away your confidence of "self worth" and "ownership of being yourself" and that is really hard for one person mentally to overcome, however it can be done. 

 

I invite you to look at your life from a different perspective, as the person who doesn't see themselves as the victim but as the bystander. Instead of looking at what happened to you in your life, look at your parents life, how were they raised, what events in there life's made them become the person they are. When you really try to understand your parents, you understand why they did what they did to some degree, and sometimes it sucks because you could possibly find out things you don't want to, however I feel it's important to understand both sides to really grasp the reason why they took the action they did. Your parents did care for you somewhat or else you wouldn't of lived with them right? If you do what I suggest above, you can find more realistic answers to your parents decisions, and I feel based on the memories you have, that this would be a great starting point for you, and as you find out things you can start to piece together - that yes your mother and father were strict and took unnecessary actions towards you, however at the end of the day it's not your fault at all, and just like millions of other people, you experienced an unfortunate childhood filled with events that create anxiety, trust issues, etc...but it's your choice now to find where to start the healing process and stick to it with a end goal of mind of letting go of that pain and those memories, and maybe even possibly finding a way to connect with your mother to help her let go of her pain and events that happened in her to make her do things that are unnecessary. 

 

I hope this helps somewhat, and thanks for sharing your feelings.

[Magenta]

Why do you still talk with your mother?

[Honest]

actions,

 

Your post seems to me somewhat obtuse, almost like a generic answer (may be me, I'm a bit sleepy) and I think you're assuming too much, but I appreciate the sentiment, while it is important to not romanticize the notion of being a victim, it is helpful to realize what happened to me and therefore the consequences where really outside of my hands. I think you'll be happy to know I'm more advanced in the healing process than you give me credit for, I'm just taking care of odds and ends here. I happen to be quite aware of both of my parents' childhoods and understand the link between that and the things they did, but knowing about that fact only amounts to "my parents are assholes and my grandparents were too," I personally don't get any healing from knowing that. The fact that someone has an emotional justification for doing something abjectly harmful doesn't make it any less so. Growing up I tried making my parents understand and gave them countless opportunities, and while they eventually did acknowledge they had failed as parents (because I showed no affection to them and actively rejected them), they thought their mistake was not being even more strict and restrictive, which is funny to me. I have no rational interest nor emotional impulse to force a relationship with my mother.

 

STer,

 

I have strong suspicions my father was bipolar and my parents just didn't feel like acknowledging it. While I can't say with certainty my mother had NPD, it certainly smells like it. Three generations of women before her ended in psychiatric hospitals so it's more likely than just her actions would suggest. I think I'll appreciate the communities you suggest regardless, thank you for your suggestion.

 

Magenta,

 

I don't have a relationship with her nor do I ever initiate contact with her, she just some times calls and I answer like I would with any random person calling. She will do the small talk thing and I'll be monosyllabic and that's the end of it nine out of ten times. She will sporadically say I love yous, affectionate things, and for the most part send and offer material things in an effort to compensate for what she failed to accomplish in my early childhood, but I obviously don't fall for it. To be quite blunt, it has no effect on me emotionally, and the things she sends are for the time being worth it. Like I said in my first post, when I am financially comfortable enough to get further away from her I'll change my number and she won't know.

[STer]

Honest,

 

You're welcome. A bipolar father and a mother with NPD or possibly even psychosis (judging from the family history of hospitalizations) is quite a rough situation for a child. Where the parents are supposed to be nurturing the child, feeding the child with energy and sustenance, instead the child ends up spending a huge amount of their energy just trying to cope with the parents' destructive behavior. It's a complete reversal of the usual give and take direction of parent/child relationships.

 

I agree with you that just having insight into why the parents did this doesn't finish the healing. It just opens up a greater ability to figure out what might. I also think that once you start thinking more broadly, you start to realize that it's an even larger problem. Not only were your particular parents destructive like this, but only in a society set up in such a way as to enable such behavior would that even be possible. And that's when the rabbit hole really opens up.

 

As far as healing from the consequences of being a child dependent on such unsafe self-centered people, I do hope you'll find those communities I mentioned helpful and maybe some of the books and workbooks out there on the subject, as well. There are also therapists who specialize in precisely these issues - not only recovering from child abuse, but from abuse at the hands of a parent with these particular types of conditions. So with all of these resources hopefully you can find the next steps.

[Josh F]

I have a similar problem, I use the hour right before sleep to review my entire life with an emphasis on the abuse or the embarassing moments.  Podcasts help, I listen to them as I sleep, or read before I sleep.  Ive been working on these problems with myself for a long time, and it isn't every night always, but when it does happen I can spend 4 hours rethinking the 2nd grade.  Just avoid drugs or sleep aid, that won't help at all!  And this is going to take some time.... lots of time but now I find myself interjecting helpful thoughts into the inner debate.  Like "you were a kid man, dont hold yourself so responsible" and things like that

[MaxM]

ThoughtTerrist is very right stay away from drugs alchohol or anything that can become a vice/bad habbit because as Stephan has pointed out people who have had abuse as a child are very suseptable to addiction me personally used weed for 4 years and it became a comfort and after when i couldn't get any I turned to legal highs and became addicted to them for several months and it was basically me trying to forget pain with fake happiness. The cure for addiction of any kind, in my opinion, is two things self control or love. If you have love your so happy you don't need to try and find happiness at the bottom of a bottle or to forget about pain by frying your brain. I realised i needed to take back control of my life and kicked the habbit 2 months ago and know that untill i find a special girl and some love I'v got to be careful.

[STer]

ThoughtTerrist is very right stay away from drugs alchohol or anything that can become a vice/bad habbit because as Stephan has pointed out people who have had abuse as a child are very suseptable to addiction me personally used weed for 4 years and it became a comfort and after when i couldn't get any I turned to legal highs and became addicted to them for several months and it was basically me trying to forget pain with fake happiness. The cure for addiction of any kind, in my opinion, is two things self control or love. If you have love your so happy you don't need to try and find happiness at the bottom of a bottle or to forget about pain by frying your brain. I realised i needed to take back control of my life and kicked the habbit 2 months ago and know that untill i find a special girl and some love I'v got to be careful.

Better watch out for the next problem.

 

Love Addiction

[Honest]

You guys are all on point! It's interesting you mention love addiction because the particularly bad "episode" of ugly thoughts that inspired this post occurred the night I broke off a relationship I had that I realized wasn't healthy or based on anything real. I was more in love with the idea of finding love than the girl. Also throughout my relationships (there have only really been two long serious ones) I had feelings of being unlovable and always in a state of wanting to be loved  as opposed to being loved, which I recently found is common among adults who were neglected children. I was also very obsequious with my love and just wanted to be absolutely certain the girl I was seeing at the time knew and felt and understood I deeply loved her -insert reference to my mother here-, and I remember hearing Stefan say in a podcast we tend to strive to provide what we lacked.

 

Regarding drugs, I've been exposed to alcohol and weed and neither really did much for me, particularly weed, it just made me feel kind of naive, so I have no interest in those. I am in the process of quitting nicotine, I don't smoke cigarettes anymore (never really smoked much more than a couple a day) and I am gradually decreasing the amount of nicotine in my e-cig. I drink tea throughout the day, but I mix it up between black and herbal teas which don't have caffeine. I genuinely don't think I use it as a substitute for dealing with my issues or feel like I do it for happiness, but I'll try a week of just herbal tea and see what comes of it.

[hqc]

I'm so sorry this happened to you Honest, it's horrible how your parents have treated you, and you have every right to be upset about it. Glad to hear you are doing so well now.