Empathizing with an Abuser

[Wesley]

I am intentionally trying hard to not put my opinion on this and to see what others have to say. I have a feeling that this issue could provoke emotions and I apologize for this in advance.

 

This is a simple question to get people's input.

 

Obviously, anger and disgust are all very important and I am certainly not saying that sympathy should ever be given for people who have committed abuse.

 

To what extent is it useful for a victim to analyze why an abuser did what they did?

 

My understanding is empathy as knowing why someone does things or is feeling something- as in understanding it. Sympathy is more understanding and feeling it, more validating the experience than just knowing what is going on. Feel free to correct these definitions if you feel they are incorrect.

 

Let me know what you think. This question has resulted from discussion with someone else.

[ThomasDoubts]

     Interesting question.

   

 

     My knee jerk reaction inclines me to think it's very important.  Without understanding why an action occurs, how can we seperate causation and correlation with respect to managing our future environments.  It seems we would be accumulating a list of abusive people to avoid, rather than generating some set of general rules by which we can try to avoid or consciously consider the risk factors of potentially abusive people.  That to me seems much more efficient, and forward looking, while not understanding why seems crude, reactionary and more suceptible to duplicating experiences with new abusers. 

 

 

     If you don't understand why a parent was abusive, you may paint parents, caretakers, people you're emotionally close too, etc. with a broad brush. You mustn't let an abusive parent "teach" you to avoid close emotional bonds for fear of abandonment, abuse, manipulation, etc.   If you were a victim of Jerry Sandusky, you mustn't let that experience "teach" you to fear old men, football coaches, homosexuals, foster parents, etc.  Contrarily, you mustn't let an abusive parent "teach" you in the opposite direction; to crave an unhealthy amount of love, attention, reassurance, etc.  I think we tend to overreact to any significant harm (or benefit for that matter)

 

 

      An older male relative of mine was raped on more than one occasion as a child by his male teacher.  To this day, he's as homophobic as anyone I've known, backed with the same holy scripture that was (in his mind) essential in breaking the alcohol addiction he suffered well into his 40's.  His story shows failure on many levels (he didn't tell a soul until 25-30 years later), but I would say it's fair to assert he never processed that experience accurately or fully, otherwise it's unlikely he'd be so homophobic.  Perhaps the answer to the question why is only important to the extent that the victim understands that they are a victim of a sick person.  I wouldn't say it's necessary to understand your abuser's childhood, nor your abuser's parent's childhoods...in infinite regress, unless it leads you to the state, of course       

 

 

     If you've been the subject of abuse it's obviously important to process that experience.  At the minimum, I think it's essential to realize an abusive person is a sick and broken person.  Personally speaking, I think I would have to know more, ie: why they are sick and broken.  I want an objective understanding of my subjective experience, and to that extent, the more truth, the better. 

[TimotheCook]

I don't have any particular expertise in this matter, but I'll say what makes sense to me.

 

To try to understand the abuser before the abused come to terms with his or her own pain and anger will only hinder that process. The first one anyone should have empathy will is oneself.

 

That being said, knowing what allowed the abuse to occur and how the abuser was able to get away with it will help the abused to avoid recreating the situation with their current or future relationships. He or she gains a sense of the characteristics of potential abuser and what they do to allow that abuse to happen.

[Lens]

Hi Wesley,

 

You bring up a rare question and also touchy question.

I will bring my own experience and my own thoughts about it.

 

Sympathizing with an abuser = not sympathizing with the abused

 

Let me explain it.

 

A child is being abused by someone (parent, care taker or even someone on the street) My old first reaction as a former abused child is to side by the abuser and blame the child for being undisciplined (see Stockholm Syndrome).

 

In the Stockholm Syndrome women sympathized and had pity and understanding for the gangster and even married them after they got out of the prison that how the brain is impaired since we learnt it so early to side with our parents when they wronged us to not to feel the pain which saved our lives as children.

 

I think we all have a choice and not to give sympathy for anyone because they look miserable and they need to be comforted.

 

My mother presented to me excuses and regrets for what she did but I cannot sympathize with her just because she said sorry sometimes it is unfathomable and also for the sake of my inner child  she needed me to re-accept her because she feels guilt but she doesn't want to take responsibility of her actions and respect my choice obviously she doesn't want to face her own repressed feelings she needs me as quick fix like all narcissists do.

 

In my case I believe that others (who haven't been abused by her) can give her this empathy or sympathy. But not me. I cannot be siding with the child (true self) and his abuser at the same time it doesn't work the body can get sick for this self betrayal.

 

I quote Alice Miller on this subject when a reader asked her the difference about the mother of childhood and the mother of today I translated from french to english http://www.alice-miller.com/courrier_fr.php?lang=fr&nid=1913&grp=0408

 

AM: You ask a very important question, this is about the "good mother today": How is it different from the childhood abusive mother?I think that if a mother was previously sadistic and perverse and it later turns into a mother that is empathetic, loving and honest (which I've never met), it must have the necessary wisdom to respect the body memory of her child. This means that she won't forget the consequences of her brutality, does not ask for love and forgiveness after what happened. She let her adult children live freely the truth of their abusive childhood. Thanks to their (adult children) emotional honesty that they can regain their health. To better understand this dynamic, you can read the afterword to the new edition of "Paths of life" and the last chapter of "Free from lies"

 

 

This is my view and I hope it will help you to not to fall in the trap of guilt and pity because it is a trap not a trip.

Also Wesley if this abuser is not linked to you in anyways and doesn't trigger in you the helpless feelings of the child you may try to let him talk about his childhood and if he is refuses you can't do anything for him/her.

 

Lens

[Wesley]

Just to reiterate, the question is not sympathizing with an abuser, forgiving them, or anything along those lines. Only to understand what happened that lead them to this point and why they may have done it (even though this does not change how wrong it is).

 

Empathy =/= Sympathy

 

Which I also conceded that my definitions of each were likely not perfect, but I am attempting to make a differentiation between them.

 

Lens, your argument may still be true that it is not helpful, but it seems to revolve around sympathy or blaming the victim, rather than more factually understanding what happened and why, but not sympathizing with it. In fact, empathy and understanding could help you reject it more as you could figure out how sadistic the thoughts were that lead to that point.

 

I am kind of leaning towards the "not empathizing side" but I think the debate around it needs to be fair.

[Lens]

To understand not only intellectually but also emotionally it is by uncovering your own truth (history & trauma). When you uncover an early trauma with the associated painful feeling you'll know how painful it was for you and also for your parents when they were small kids and what that parent did inflict upon you, was in fact to avoid his/her own pain and to keep his own trauma stuffed and to keep the idealization of a happy childhood intact.

 

Many books and literatures are stuck in trying to give an intellectual understanding something like: most of abusers have ben themselves abused in their childhood. There is logic in there but there is no emotional understanding (feelings and pain). It's like talking about sadness versus feeling the sadness.

 

Several months ago I wrote to a friend of mine who is a mother to help her understand a bit the dynamic of her repression

 

Let's say you have been punished when you displayed your anger towards your parents when you were a little girl that event created a trauma in the brain that you needed to repress and banish it from your awareness to not to feel the fear and the helplessness, later on if your child displays anger it will reactivate and will trigger a flashback that in turn will regress you back to that same fear and helplessness (reactivation of the old trauma) = pain. Since it is painful for you, you will forbid your own child from displaying that feeling of anger that cost you punishment, by that you bring a fix to an old unresolved situation. This example is just the tip of an iceberg of unresolved traumatic events (big or small) that we ignore their existence and that we make our children or others pay for. From my own experience in therapy we cannot avoid causing trauma to our children it is pretty much impossible but we can let the children feel their feelings if they are hurt and give them explanations.

 

 

Further more. a former abused child can later understand his abuser only by getting back his repressed memories/emotions and the pain that comes with it only then the abused will know (emotionally) the price that he or she paid so the abuser can keep the idealized version of his/her childhood and his repression intact. It will bring a full understanding, the whys and the hows.

 

I quote a parent who did some work on himself

 

I realize whenever I feel a 'mean' feeling toward a child, that this is the abusive 'parent's' feeling that was directed at me when I was a child. I imagine how it felt to have been the recipient of that mean feeling. How it broke my heart. The 'mean' feeling diminishes.

 

Lens