Cornellius Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 So, I have all that pity for parents. I'm not sure what to do with it. So, I have learned that my parents were immoral, and exploded in anger and melancholy for their controlling dictatorship imposed to my sister and I. In that process, I leaned them full force that they are immoral. My words resonated, they knew they had to suppress the truth I was bringing to them, reject me, ignore me, paralyse me, just to sort of keep going. My sister recently had to move out of my father's house because of the tensions that there were, and now my parents have lost the children they were resting upon to sustain their personal image. The two of us just up and left. Now, as they're putting the blame on us and trying desperately to paralyse us, get a final hold on us, all that's left is their miserable selves. They don't know any better than that old life. Now their respective relationships will start to decrepit. Their guilt will begin to become a reality. They will realize that no one really loves them for who they are, because they are nobodies. I'm afraid that my mother might lose her job if she gets too stressed out. I'm afraid my father commits suicide. These are just fears. My parents were so unstable, esp. my mother, that I never know what to expect. I hate them, but I pity them. My fears are not based in the reality of my parents being able to pull themselves together, but maybe one day things will start to go downhill for them. Should I intervene so that they can find their true selves and be on their way to living with integrity? Am I responsible to help anyone who's in a bad place?
Wesley Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. " Should I intervene so that they can find their true selves and be on their way to living with integrity?" It sounds like you have already tried this and you know how it will turn out. If you still aren't quite sure, then talk with them until you are sure. It sounds to me like this would not work. "Am I responsible to help anyone who's in a bad place?" There are no such things as positive obligations. You have a choice. It is not your responsibility to help people who are in need. If you tried to make this a principle, then your parents violated this principle for years when you were helpless and in need as a child. To me this all sounds manipulative and destructive. I am very sorry that they are putting this guilt and pressure on you. I hope things will get better for you soon. It likely will help if you try to not let them contact you about this stuff. I am very, very sorry. This sounds very difficult. You should not have to go through this.
cherapple Posted August 17, 2013 Posted August 17, 2013 What would your parents say in answer to your question? What did they say when you were a child?
MysterionMuffles Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Jesus Christ man what a harsh assessment of them...but if they were really that vile, I am both sorry and proud for you. Sorry that you had to put up with them, but even more proud of you for being able to acknowledge the truth about them. Wherein most people would delude themselves into thinking that that's just how parents should be. I don't think it's wise to intervene. If they hit bottom without you or your sister there by their side, I think that would be a huge force in making them want to shape up as not just parents, but people in general. Depending on how old they are, they may be stubbornly stuck in their ways that their brains really just can't rewire their behaviour enough to make them even an ounce acceptable. You don't owe them that helping hand if they never extended the empathy towards you. I wouldn't bother.
Cornellius Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 What would your parents say in answer to your question? What did they say when you were a child? They didn't ask me to be their therapist or to help them grow. I was easier to enslave. My parents kind of projected their worst frustrations and sadness onto me, esp. when they had a pretext to punish me, so I felt like a criminal, like their murderer. I especially felt like I had to be supportive of them, even at a young age... They were so impotent I had to make their job easier by raising myself and giving them love.
Rayakins Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 Hi Cornelius - I cant really offer any advice as I feel that you are much further down the road than I am on this. Your description of the emotional relationship reminds of that with my mother and even now I have huge waves of fear and guilt at the thought of confronting her about the way she treated us children. My father passed away last September and I feel and felt no real grief, just more guilt that I did not. I think you have been courageous in your decisions to date, and avoid the dreadful guilt that destroys your joy in life if you let it.
cherapple Posted August 18, 2013 Posted August 18, 2013 They didn't ask me to be their therapist or to help them grow. I was easier to enslave. My parents kind of projected their worst frustrations and sadness onto me, esp. when they had a pretext to punish me, so I felt like a criminal, like their murderer. I especially felt like I had to be supportive of them, even at a young age... They were so impotent I had to make their job easier by raising myself and giving them love. There's the answer to your original question. You don't have to do those things anymore. You don't have to take the horrible, soul-murdering labels of "criminal" and "murderer" anymore. (Jesus, that's terrible.) Forget what it does to them if you're not there for them. What did it – does it, and will it – do to you to feel pity (and then guilt) for them?
Cornellius Posted August 18, 2013 Author Posted August 18, 2013 To feel pity and guilt for my parents paralyses me. I just feel powerless. I love the idea of extending more empathy for myself. And thank you everyone for your kind answers. It does me good.
_Michael Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 I struggle too with that guilt. Just like making my mom ok was my obligation. This is abuse from the beginning. I now starting to feel hatred towards them. My mother deny everything and manipulate me into further exploitation, my dad just ignore me totally. Last book I read help me a little, but I think it will help me further if I finish it. "Silent Seduction" by Kenneth Adams. I recomend it totally. Straight and clear, without beating around the bush. Good luck with them(or without them).
Lens Posted August 19, 2013 Posted August 19, 2013 There is fear to see them as they are. When you were a small child the risk by seeing the truth could have cost you severe punishment so you kept that fear in your soul until adulthood. Now there is no danger to see your parents as truly and precisely as possible. You may pity them and feel guilt to protect you from their aggressiveness and not because you love them it is because as a child you most likely hated them but you kept that feeling hidden from yourself and this feeling of hatred wants to be acknowledged by the adult you. Try to write letters to your parents that you never send where you express your true feelings you'll see that hatred and contempt will show up quite soon. You may want to read them in your therapy as well and having a witness by your side. I hope that your therapist doesn't protect your parents (and his) and ask you to manage them or some sort. In my experience fear always hides another feeling it is like a layer that hides a more important layer. Like fear to express anger or hatred (normal human feelings). If we do not express those feelings we may end up with extreme anxiety, panic attacks or dissociation. My advice is to give yourself and your feelings more room especially in your therapy and the less you'll feel guilty. Give yourself sometime. It is a path that requires a lot of patience and self-compassion. Here is an article I found that could be very helpful http://www.sharischreiber.com/anxiety.html Warm wishes and good luck Lens
Cornellius Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I'm thinking about that movie The Truman Show. The man growing up inside a telereality show dome world, controlled by castrating parents, a manufactured aquaphobia that makes him unable to leave the island city, and a cocoon-like dead end lifestyle, and gradually swallowing the red pill. You see Truman played by Jim Carrey go down the rabbit hole, and at the end of the movie, get over adversity and reach the edge of the dome by boat. As he's deciding whether to leave through the out door, the show creator speaks to him on mic. He says to Truman that there isn't any more truth out there than there is in the dome world. But also, he talks about the "hope" he brings to everyone on Earth who watches the show, which is really an exploitive parental feeling. How he just cannot leave. And when he decides to leave, you can just hear him inside his head going "one truth is that I don't want to be here anymore". The creator dies inside, and everyone on Earth either cheers, or says whatever, what else is on tv? Just to say that all this fantasy, all this coercion, in the end it's popcorn to appease someone in the short term.
Recommended Posts