paquijote Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Hi everyone, My four siblings and I grew up in a very verbally and physically abusive household. My father and mother would say things to us and call us names that they wouldn't tell even their best friend, and they would both use physical violence as a means of punishing us, particularly my father. We were never really taught to reason in moments of having made a mistake or done something wrong; instead we were taught not to do something out of fear of upsetting my father (and mother) and dealing with the consequences of that. Since we have all grown older, and taller, my parents have cooled off and my father is much more conniving and passive in his aggression. As you can imagine, such an upbringing has had a significant impact on us as we developed and it's something that is really manifesting itself in all of us today. For lack of a better term, we are all a bit of a mess, suffering from anxiety and depression, alcoholism and drug abuse. I, the second youngest, will be the first (and only one currently working towards it) to graduate from college in December, and that is not to say too much: I have been on and off antipsychotics, antidepressants and antianxiety medications for nearly 14 years now (I am 26) and have spent a few stints in psychiatric wards. I am currently seeing a counselor and through her and freedomain radio I'm beginning to piece together why exactly my emotional and mental well-being are in shambles, as well as why I have held such guilt-evoking resentment towards my father (a good son should respect and not needlessly feel anger or hatred towards his parents, right?). At any rate, this isn't meant to be a "pity me" thread. I am working on getting better and making definite progress. My main reason for creating this thread is the fact that my older sister, now 31 and recently living with my parents again, is pregnant with an abusive and alcoholic boyfriend's child. She is an emotional timebomb and extremely volatile; I have extreme difficulty being around her for long or have an honest or pleasant conversation with her. She is the product of the household she grew up in. I am really, really worried about her raising a child, as are my parents, actually, who have suggested the idea of adoption to her, which she has refused. With her as the child's mother and an abusive and alcoholic father, I fear this kid will have to go through the same thing we all did if not worse. I don't know what to do. I've thought about off-handedly giving her a copy of Stephan's book on peaceful parenting, but I don't know that she would be open to it. I am willing to have a very direct and open conversation with her about my concerns but I don't see her reacting very well to it. What would you do in my situation? Any advice is well appreciated.
Wesley Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I am very sorry for what you have gone through. That is just terrible. Onto your question, I do not know how to do this most efficiently or effectively, but the best way for her to treat he child with kindness and empathy would be to recognize how terrible the situation was in her family when she was a child, then truly empathize and feel the fear, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. When someone really feels what it is like to be a child and gets angry at what happened to them, then they are very unlikely to repeat the abuse and far more likely to empathize with their kids. I think parenting books or something will just be ignored, or a couple lessons learned and given up the second it becomes difficult. Maybe someone else can provide their input. I think the goal would be to get her professional psychological help from an expert. That is the most likely to have the best long-term effects. As far as "She doesn't want to do that, so how do I just get it the best I can?" I have no idea. Hopefully someone has some good book recommendations or something, but I think that they will likely be ignored. In the end, that is just something to chalk up to the horror of your parents and how far you've come in trying to piece things together in a better way. It is amazing the path that you are on to heal.
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