Cornellius Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A LARGE ISSUE, AND I CAN'T EXPECT SOMEONE TO COME ALONG AND ILLUMINATE MY PATH. MY MAIN INTENT WAS TO GET MY LIFE SITUATION OUT THERE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I came here with an enthusiasm in anarchism and personal freedom, but I won't even pretend anymore like I'm ready to look at the big picture of society and wisdom, or like I'm some nobleman. I was always hoping that I would be magically saved, because the mental health professionals I'm seeing weekly are truly unable to help a human soul get better. For what it's worth, here I am, laying it all on the table, with much shame and embarrassment. My ideas are sane, but my brain is insane, and I want to change, turn the tides. End up with my love for what is beautiful, what is good. I'm a 3 year old child in a 19 year old body. I can't adapt, I'm emotionally unstable (for example unable to escape the rage I have against my family and evil people) to the point where I'm probably BPD. Maybe most of my emotional troubles stem from that such a disorder, but it's not all there is to it. Somehow, my parents messed me up. I have heard so many theories and tips on how to look at childhood psychologically and gone through so much catarsis that I don't know what to do anymore. I am just confused, helpless. But really, what does my dysfunctional day to day life look like? I'm unable to work, so I waste time at home managing my anxieties with pointless passtimes and half-baked attempts to heal myself emotionally. But for the past 8 months I've been living alone in this apartment, everything came down a steady decline, except for my self-knowledge and knowledge about the world, which went up in part because of freedomainradio. It's just a correlation, but maybe I've neurotically used some of my obsessive intellectual pursuits and ponderings as a defense mechanism against the need for concrete actions? I don't think that the process started very consciously. It's a mess here. Literally. Clothes on the floor, trash everywhere, dirty dishes cluttering the kitchen (a pound of butter just melted on top of my microwave in the heat yesterday; just one of the problems that my carelessness produces), etc. I'm moving closer to acting rationally, but as my soul is purer, I'm more anxious. The blankness of life is terrifying, OVERWHELMING. I can't stand the feeling of being bound to something, COMPELLED to provide effort. Even for my dreams. Even my dreams bring me anxiety. I get anxious whenever I think about working. I suppose that's generally what it means to not be functional. I'm increasingly unable to bring myself to do anything. Can't pick myself up. I have come to understand that I need a new start and that empirically speaking, the chances of succeeding on my own are slim. It's a sort of self-destruction and it's nearing its end. The constraints of reality are getting closer and closer. I don't want Nihilism, but it's what I get. Sometimes I get disoriented, like I don't know anything, and I don't know how to think. There's a word for it. Insanity. The only solace left is in immediate stimulation. Video games. New music and movies. Escapism. Eating, in a normal sense. Sleeping. SELF-ERASURE IS ALMOST ALL I CAN BEAR. Somewhere, there just has to be a way to reorient myself in the direction of life instead of death... rationally, consciously... So there's the topo of all that's dark at the moment. It does me good emotionally to just look it in the face. I know, it's a very acute kind of unhealthiness. Also, I would like to apologise to the world for the transgression of UPB I have committed when I slapped my father... for those who are aware of that sunday show episode... yeah that's me.
Stephen C Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I'm feeling overwhelmed and helpless, Cornellius. :(A podcast comes to mind, I hope it's useful...http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1191_Self_Attack_Convo_Roleplay.mp3Please be gentle with yourself, I think you deserve it.
_LiveFree_ Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I'm 31. My 18-29 sound just like what you are now experiencing. My parents screwed me up to. You're right. No one here can illuminate your path. One tip I can give you that helped me quite a bit. . . .don't add. Just subtract. You're a beautiful glass that has been filled with shit. That shit was put there by your parents. You've got to take out the shit before you pour whatever you want to pour in there. If you aren't keeping a daily journal, start today. Doesn't matter what you write, just write. Doesn't matter how neat you write, scribble if you need to. Channel the energy that is preventing you from moving into that journal. You'll know what to do then. Happiness is knowing yourself. Right now, you're looking at all the shit and saying, "Damn that glass is ugly!" No, the glass is beautiful. Just subtract.
Panoptic Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Man this sounds exactly like the problems I was facing. I'm not going to use any metaphors since I'm bad with those but here is what I say. (also sorry for my unorganized response, I just wanted to get you answers soon to help out because I know how it feels) I was in the same situation as you. A little over a year ago I had my "political" awakening. As my self-knowledge grew and grew my life became more miserable slowly and slowly. Eventually I found Stefan and things got really bad. It amazing that the more truth you know the more crappy your life becomes (when you first become awakened). But the reason your life is becoming worse isn't because you are finding out more and more truth, its because you are taking out the pain you're feeling about the world around you on yourself. Let me give some advice for what its worth. Although I'm not religious (I used to be Christian) there is a really good verse in the Bible that I recall. It says that God will reveal the truth to you slowly over time, because the entire truth is too much to bear at once. The human being cannot bear so much truth at one time because of how good your inner human self naturally is. I hate to say this but I would slow down on the truth doses (you don't have to stop but seriously take a break for a while). That's what I do. I was listening to multiple Stefan videos every single day and it became real bad for myself (because of MYSELF not because of Stefan). But I know how bad anxiety is because I was having problems with it and this is what helped me to keep my sanity. I also think you are being irrational. You need to do things you enjoy and appreciate the world around you. Think about it. The world seems so bad, but human beings are good people. If they somehow knew the truth, they would feel the same way we do (here in this thread). People aren't horrible, they're just reacting to their environment. Life is not "blank". There are always going to be people in the world that want to help you if they knew you were in a bad situation . If you want to take action and be happy, then you need to take action in your own life. Like Stefan said in one video (I can't remember which but I can find it if you want), take action in your own life where you have effect. You cannot change your environment. I also learned this in a naval ROTC class I took, don't try to change things that cannot be changed, it wastes time and energy, when you can have effect in the immediate environment around you that is your life. Now I get to the part where you said you hate being bound to something (I know random order right?). I thought for this a bit before I answered because this is the same problem I am currently having. It might be different for me than you but lets see. You don't hate something for no reason (hate doesn't come out of nowhere). Hate is a reaction to something else. So I thought about why (when I first became awakened) I stopped caring about homework. I started to hate school and think to myself how stupid and pointless it was. I think for me it was a personal act of rebellion. I previously said you are taking out your anger on yourself, but in this case, maybe this is how you are taking out your anger on your environment. I kept being irrational and thinking that the world was such a horrible stupid place and so I thought, why should I continue to go along with it? Think about it, if this is not how you feel than correct me. But if it is, it must be more irrationality. It is not your fault that the world around you is the way it is. As long as you live your life by your values on a day-to-day basis then it would not matter what your path is. You having to go to work to get money to live is not doing anything against your values (unless you're in the mob). Finally, I don't think you will magically fix all of your problems in one day. We ALL have to work to fix our problems. Keep yourself together man we're all here for you. We all have to climb over the same mountain. I think Stefan has become this successful because he's been thinking about truth for almost his entire life. Then he takes his massive amount of experience and dumps it on people going onto his YouTube channel. This is probably why so many people get stressed out so badly. Its like, "damn Stefan SLOW DOWN" ha.
weeb Posted September 14, 2013 Posted September 14, 2013 I have been down and out "clinically depressed" for some extremely long periods. You have to break the tailspin. He is my advice: 1. Keep communicating with people, pick up the phone, use your pc, friends, strangers, fdr whoever to talk talk talk, and talk some more. You are not alone so don't put yourself in a bubble of your own creation. Other people will break obsessive thought patterns and worries, and give you the necessary social stimulation to stay connected. 2. Take care of your health. Eliminate alcohol, drink water primarily, eat fresh nutritious foods. I understand the dishes pile and the way it can just grow to the point you give up on cooking. Make that a small goal of yours throughout the week (see next step) 3. Make extremely achieveable small life goals. I don't know how bad it has gotten, but you have to pick yourself up. Maybe promise to brush your teeth and shower each day. Comb your hair. Eventually, make a short 2-3 item daily list of goals, if you don't achieve them, its ok, you will. 4. Routine: Over time you can build those small milestones in self care toward a routine of hygine and orderliness. Hygine makes one naturally feel good. Orderliness can save you on some frustration when looking for items later, so that a stressed situation doesn't turn bad. 5. Get good (undrugged, undrinking) sleep. If you are not working now, set your routine as you have a day-job to get more prepared for entering the work-force again, or school etc. Give yourself a bedtime, cut down on naps, use relaxation techniques to work through stress. Best of luck, you will get through this, but it will not be easy. Don't get discouraged if you fail. Small goals, little successes, build a foundation for your emergence from this cocoon.
Tony Crowe Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 @weeb, I like your prescription for success. When I was ready to heal and move on I did that. @Cornellius, My goodness! What a trial you are enduring. I wish I could give you a suit of armor that diflected your attacks at yourself. You'll have to use your imagination. I want you to pick yourself up and start doing what you know is right. This world will never be free if good people give up trying.
Lens Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 It must have been almost unbearable for you as a child. Why don't you give the 3 year old child within you some empathy he is crying out for attention from the adult you. Your past has passed already the things that happened to you will not happen again unless you wanna put yourself in a helpless situation. You are safe but you do not feel safe YET. To feel safe you must love that child that you were and imagine yourself telling him that he is safe with you now that you have become adult and you can protect him. The anxiety will decrease and then you can cry. I suffered from severe panic attacks and high anxiety even when I was alone I came close to kill myself. One thing that helped a lot is to decipher what was I telling myself at that moment. I was able to reduce the self attack and feel more safe and accept myself even when I was going thru panic attacks. Also feeling guilty will not lead you anywhere only empathy I mean by understanding that as a child you couldn't change things and make them for the better and it was never your fault NEVER. Now as an adult you are still having those feelings of hurt and anger frozen within you attacking yourself for having feelings of fear and guilt will just cement even more your self hatred and anxiety. If they hated you you do not need to hate yourself like they did. You can make a difference. Slowly but surely. Last but not least Libertarianism and Freedom will not free you but your suppressed feelings will. Once you can overcome your fear of your parents you will live free and you will not need to read about freedom in books to understand what it is. I wish you the best for this long and necessary journey Lens p.s. Here is a PDF document titled Fear and Panic it is in french the english version in only available in a book. I hope this documentation will help you a lot. Emotional_fitness_frVersionChap10_.pdf
Cornellius Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I can't find my way out of my shell. I want to know where the edge is. I'm asleep. I don't want to be dragged out of bed. I want someone with one foot in reality to wake me up.
ProfessionalTeabagger Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Oh man, I read your profile as well. I'm sorry for the abuse you received. I don't think you need to apologize for what you think is a UPB violation. That slap doesn't sound anything like the initiation of force. You did nothing wrong. It sounds like you deeply resent having to do anything and that is not surprising given that you've been treated like a slave. Please do not be so hard on yourself and remember you don't HAVE to do anything. You are free and you're only 19. What I wouldn't give to be 19 again, jobless with the dishes piling up and butter melting on the microwave. You are already miles ahead of were I was at that age. I was a completely useless tool at 19 and I hadn't received half the abuse you did. Screw the dishes and screw getting a job and screw anyone who orders you around. You don't have to do a god-damn thing. You deserve to enjoy yourself and self-improvement will happen when and if YOU decide. IMHO I would recommend calling back in sometime when you are comfortable doing so. But as I say, you don't have to do anything. All the best.
Cornellius Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 Oh my god, thank you so much teabagger.
Coreforcruxes Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 It might be a little cliche' but I cannot help but say that you save someone when you save yourself. I am really sorry your going through what you are but the world and yourself gets exponentially more fulfilling as you make your way through that trial that most are content to never address.
Holo Cene Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Deeply you have learned that life is not worth living and that everything is worthless, especially yourself. There is horrible misery and pain in every memory that means anything to you. Hollow monsters have scorched your soul because they too live in a world destitute of all hope and gave you themselves, and replicated their destruction inside you. This is why you feel anxiety, because you cannot escape the truth. You do not believe in anything good, not truly, not yet. There is the brightness upon you, you have begun the journey, and it is a wonderful, amazing and powerful journey. You have taken the step through the darkness unending and decided to open your eyes and see the truth. You have lit the torch of your self knowledge and all you see around you is the shambles and the destitution of what your parents have given you, the world that they live in. The shithole they call love. You are at the first step, but are afraid because it is too terrible, How can there be redemption? This is the beginning of love. When you can love yourself even through all of the horror, and through that reach the truth, that you are the light.
cynicist Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 The blankness of life is terrifying, OVERWHELMING. I can't stand the feeling of being bound to something, COMPELLED to provide effort. This is the key in my mind. I imagine you were controlled by your parents for most of your life, and survived by managing the emotions/reactions of others around you. So your locus of control (meaning where you derive your feeling of efficacy or direction from) was external rather than internal. Now you are an adult and independent, but you no longer have that external pressure of your family to guide your actions and so you feel lost and confused about what to do with your life. This comes from not being free to explore your own desires and interests as a child. So now you have the painful task of learning how to manage your life based on your own desires and interests, which is really hard because you've been trained to do the opposite for so long. You resent the feeling of obligation that was historically imposed on you by your parents that you now feel is being imposed on you by the requirements of life. (job, money, taking care of yourself, etc) The escapism I would imagine is a habit you learned as a child to protect yourself from the harsh reality of the environment around you, a habit that is all too easy to continue now as an adult since you are being overwhelmed by all these situations you weren't adequately prepared to deal with as you were growing up. The pent up rage you feel needs to be explored and dealt with at some point because until it is you might act it out on others. (you probably are aware of and fear that possibility already) I could be totally wrong about all this stuff but I don't think so. Reading RTR and the story of Simon the Boxer can help. I would also highly recommend The Psychology of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden to help you understand your own mind better. My advice would be to take things one step at a time and learn what you need slowly, and remind yourself that it's not your fault and that even though you are behind you can catch up because there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. (you have trauma, but it's not yours) Exploring and clarifying your history (especially with a therapist) will also help a lot.
Tony Crowe Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 cynicist, Wow! That was an expertly crafted post. I'm going to ponder that one for a while.
Cornellius Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 Happiness is knowing yourself. Right now, you're looking at all the shit and saying, "Damn that glass is ugly!" No, the glass is beautiful. Just subtract. I've pondered on what you had to say intermittently, lately. I think it's some really strong and fundamental advice. I've written this in my notes: "Achievement does not come from willpower, but freedom." Deeply you have learned that life is not worth living and that everything is worthless, especially yourself. There is horrible misery and pain in every memory that means anything to you. Hollow monsters have scorched your soul because they too live in a world destitute of all hope and gave you themselves, and replicated their destruction inside you. This is why you feel anxiety, because you cannot escape the truth. You do not believe in anything good, not truly, not yet. There is the brightness upon you, you have begun the journey, and it is a wonderful, amazing and powerful journey. You have taken the step through the darkness unending and decided to open your eyes and see the truth. You have lit the torch of your self knowledge and all you see around you is the shambles and the destitution of what your parents have given you, the world that they live in. The shithole they call love. You are at the first step, but are afraid because it is too terrible, How can there be redemption? This is the beginning of love. When you can love yourself even through all of the horror, and through that reach the truth, that you are the light. Thank you for this nugget of very important thoughts.
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