Empathy and Focusing

[Marc Moini]

A few days ago I encountered Focusing, first by looking at an acquaintance's website (bigempathy.com) where he mentions that he also uses that in addition to NVC, then by hearing Carl Rogers mention it in this video:

Carl Rogers on empathy (part 1)

 

So I looked at Eugene Gendlin's Focusing, here is an introduction to that:

 

What I found interesting is how Rogers explains that empathy is not best achieved by reflecting a person's words, but by guessing the feelings going on in them of which they may not even be fully aware themselves, and checking with them to find out if these guesses are accurate. This made new sense to me after hearing Gendlin explain that when we ask someone if they're sad, there is something they go inside to check this against, and then they may reply "no, not really sad…". Then to the question "are you angry then?" they may say "that's not it either, I'm not angry…", and then to "are you disappointed perhaps?" they may reply "Yes, yes that's it! I'm disappointed because" and then go on to explain. So this internal flow is what I understand Gendlin is talking about getting more in touch with, both in ourselves and others, and I find this idea very interesting.

 

I think it is very valuable to guess needs as well, but I'm just so excited about this idea of listening for feelings behinds words, feelings that are not fully expressed because maybe the other person isn't fully aware of the feelings, versus listening for them in the words as if the person is actually experiencing the feelings now, which is how I understood it before, that for the moment I'm not thinking of guessing needs at all and people still tell me that they benefit from my feedback.

 

I was having so much difficulty identifying people's feelings and I thought it was because I wasn't sensing them well enough, whereas now it seems that at least part of the difficulty in what I was trying to do was that sometimes the person themselves wasn't fully aware of the feelings (in the moment) and so they weren't fully expressed in the words for me to hear!

[Duderio]

goodbye

[TDB]

 

 

I still don't see how "guessing other people's feelings and giving them words for it" is not manipulative?

What meaning do you give the word "manipulative?" Intent seems important to me. If I am seriously trying to understand, I do not see that as manipulative. For it to be manipulative, I would have to have some intention of getting to a specific outcome, or guiding an outcome in a more favorable direction, particularly using a vulnerability of my conversation partner that I know about or have used successfully before. If I began guessing things in an attempt to make that person feel guilty, or to flatter, etc. that would be manipulative. If I seek the truth, I guess that could be thought of as manipulative, but without the usual negative connotation. In fact, I'd rather call that "helpful."

[Marc Moini]

Doesn't anybody else find these ideas interesting?

 

I think they're really key to practicing empathy in a way that actually brings relief to the people I'm talking with, as well as myself when it is me who needs empathy. I'd love to hear what other think of this.

[Stephen C]

Doesn't anybody else find these ideas interesting?

 

I think they're really key to practicing empathy in a way that actually brings relief to the people I'm talking with, as well as myself when it is me who needs empathy. I'd love to hear what other think of this.

I find these ideas interesting. I love watching Carl Rogers doing his thing in therapy sessions. 

[Dermot]

Very interesting. This is gold!