My Struggle With Following Through

[TimotheCook]

I'm having a problem with committing to a philosophical approach to my choices. Each time I have an idea of a course of action that will further my pursuit of self-knowledge(for example talking with my mother about my early childhood or journaling or going for a run) I resort instead to acting in a self-soothing manner(eating too much when I probably shouldn't be or playing videogames or youtube etc). It seems I'll do just about anything to avoid bringing all the abstract ideas I accept about the virtue of self knowledge into concrete behavior and I find that strange. This problem goes into my intellectual and creative pursuits too, and when I stop and see what I'm doing I feel very frustrated with myself. I can sometimes start to get myself to do some self-knowledge but the harder I try to start again the harder I snap back into the self-soothing. In this way I see the self soothing as an addiction. An exaggeration for sure, but I think it helps frame the action as wrong or unhelpful. It may not be or may not have been in the past, but it is getting in the way of my pursuit of a better life. I also see the behavior as running away. Turning tail and running from the truth, as if it's something to be afraid of. If I stop and think about it I feel incredibly anxious and restless. I want to act courageously but it seems to be the most difficult thing for me to do.

I would like some thoughts or questions or if anyone has gone through similar struggles I'd like to hear the story of how you dealt with it.

If anyone wants to hear a bit about my childhood, ask.

[MysterionMuffles]

I can barrage you with semantics, but I guess the easiest, yet most powerful question to ask is: what's the cost/benefit of following through with your intentions? What will it cost you to integrate philosophy into your interactions, namely talking to your mother about your early childhood? And what can you possibly benefit from it if you did?

[Stephen C]

Another question I think could be useful to consider:What would of happened to you if as a child you decided to make your own choices and follow through with them?

[TimotheCook]

A few things to note for clarity. My parents are immigrants. My mom being from Russia and my dad from Ukraine. My mom and dad got divorced and I live with my mom along with 3 of my 6 siblings. My dad had 2 more kids with a different wife and lives in the next town over. I could easily talk to him, with less risk and more difficulty because his English isn't too good and I don't speak Ukrainian or Russian in any fluency. My mother on the other hand speaks English very well and is fully capable of having an adult conversation, but I'm not sure if she will agree to have one with me. When I try to talk to them I fear they'll either try to avoid or trivialize the questions I bring to them(in my mother's case) or look for sympathy and make it about them(in my dad's case). 

 

I can barrage you with semantics, but I guess the easiest, yet most powerful question to ask is: what's the cost/benefit of following through with your intentions? What will it cost you to integrate philosophy into your interactions, namely talking to your mother about your early childhood? And what can you possibly benefit from it if you did?

 

What I could gain is a more accurate understanding of  what my childhood was like. As it stands I'm hard-pressed to remember anything but a few moments here and there. I hope to understand better my mom's disposition regarding me and my siblings. By her actions I know a bit, but I'm curious as to how she'll react when I bring it up. Also I know it would be a huge step forward in my pursuit of self-knowledge, which would improve my decisions in every sphere in my life and make my life happier in the long run than if I didn't have these conversations.

 

What I could lose is the shelter, food, and phone my mother provides for me. I could lose my mother entirely. I could lose the ease of living that I experience when I live in her house. I would also lose any excuse I have to lay idle and in waiting. I feel it would force me to take action in other parts of my life. I'm not sure if I'm capable yet to take on such difficulty. 

 

Another question I think could be useful to consider:What would of happened to you if as a child you decided to make your own choices and follow through with them?

 

I simply wouldn't be allowed to. In general, I either was being ordered to do things(chores and school) at the threat of aggression or trying avoid being bullied by my siblings. My mom would yell or my dad would push me into doing things. More accurately my mother would use her voice and posture and such to exert control over me and my siblings. Then they would be gone. My mom I'm not certain where she would go before the divorce, perhaps just busying herself with some chores or talking with the neighbors or something. My dad was always working. He is a construction worker and has been basically his whole life. Other than that I would spend time avoiding my siblings because, since I am the second youngest, I had to always do something that they were doing. I would watch them play if I could, if they let me. If they didn't, I had to find something else to do. I would play with the neighborhood kids and that was fun. I was able to get out and move around. Food was big I remember. My mom would cook and everyone would rush to have some. The food was good and we would all try to grab as much as we could before it was gone. I think I'm ranting on now, but I think what it boils down to, is that if there was an opportunity for me to get something I needed, would get it. The rest of the time I spent avoiding abuse, which ultimately lead to neglect. If I was doing my own thing, I would be ignored. No one would help or take interest. For a lot of the time I would just not do things. I cried for attention a lot. Sometimes I would actually be injured, but I think earlier on that was the only way I could get some care.

 

Thoughts?

[Stephen C]

Well, this sounds like a crippling and torturous childhood you had to struggle through, I'm sorry this is the situation you unluckily landed in through no fault of your own. I imagine that in order to navigate this existence with the least abuse possible inflicted on you, you had to internalize the people that would attack you for making your own choices and following through with them. This means there are Protector Parts (your parents) inside your head that don't want to allow Exiled Parts (you as a child) to make choices and follow through because they're concerned or fearful about what might happen.  It sounds like they are doing a fantastic job, and if it weren't for them you would of experienced a lot more attack from others as a child.I want to send them appreciation for keeping you safe for so long. Since you are still in contact with your family I imagine these Protector Parts that work so hard would have an even tougher time letting go of their duties than if you weren't still interacting with them, since you are still at risk for attack. I think it could be useful to inform these talented Protector Parts that there are many more options available to them now, and see if they will accept your help to explore these options. I would guess they don't like the jobs they are doing so maybe they can find jobs they do like. It could be worth asking these Protector Parts for permission to make contact with your Exiled Parts so that you can give them the attention and care that they deserved. The attention and care that you deserved as a child. I would like to send those Exiled Parts a hug with a side of compassion, they have been lacking the care they deserved for too long. I think it could be beneficial to seek out a caring, compassionate and curious therapist to help you sort all this out when/if you have a chance. It's a lot of work to do on your own. I hope this makes some sense. If you have any questions please feel free to ask.  

[TimotheCook]

Well, this sounds like a crippling and torturous childhood you had to struggle through, I'm sorry this is the situation you unluckily landed in through no fault of your own. I imagine that in order to navigate this existence with the least abuse possible inflicted on you, you had to internalize the people that would attack you for making your own choices and following through with them. This means there are Protector Parts (your parents) inside your head that don't want to allow Exiled Parts (you as a child) to make choices and follow through because they're concerned or fearful about what might happen.  It sounds like they are doing a fantastic job, and if it weren't for them you would of experienced a lot more attack from others as a child.I want to send them appreciation for keeping you safe for so long. Since you are still in contact with your family I imagine these Protector Parts that work so hard would have an even tougher time letting go of their duties than if you weren't still interacting with them, since you are still at risk for attack. I think it could be useful to inform these talented Protector Parts that there are many more options available to them now, and see if they will accept your help to explore these options. I would guess they don't like the jobs they are doing so maybe they can find jobs they do like. It could be worth asking these Protector Parts for permission to make contact with your Exiled Parts so that you can give them the attention and care that they deserved. The attention and care that you deserved as a child. I would like to send those Exiled Parts a hug with a side of compassion, they have been lacking the care they deserved for too long. I think it could be beneficial to seek out a caring, compassionate and curious therapist to help you sort all this out when/if you have a chance. It's a lot of work to do on your own. I hope this makes some sense. If you have any questions please feel free to ask.  

 

Not only does it makes a lot of sense, I also deeply appreciate the sentiments. I'll look into the therapist and try to keep my parts happy.