Can't let go of the "family dream"

[stephcrew]

I essentially de-fooed from my family about three years ago.  It wasn't a formal conversation, but rather an argument that escalated. I realized that I was happier when I didn't have any contact with them (my parents and my younger sister) as we had had previous times when we weren't speaking.  Since that argument I haven't had any contact at all with my parents or my sister.  The problem is, I still think about them and wonder about them. I found out that my sister was getting married because I google-searched her name and found her wedding registry online.  But I can't figure out why I am google-searching her name in the first place.  I know that I don't really miss my sister or my parents, but rather the idea and fantasy of having a loving and supportive family. But every time I think about them now, it just stirs up hurt all over again and makes me feel angry and sad all over again (like I'm going back in time and de-fooing all over again).

 

Thoughts?

[STer]

I essentially de-fooed from my family about three years ago.  It wasn't a formal conversation, but rather an argument that escalated. I realized that I was happier when I didn't have any contact with them (my parents and my younger sister) as we had had previous times when we weren't speaking.  Since that argument I haven't had any contact at all with my parents or my sister.  The problem is, I still think about them and wonder about them. I found out that my sister was getting married because I google-searched her name and found her wedding registry online.  But I can't figure out why I am google-searching her name in the first place.  I know that I don't really miss my sister or my parents, but rather the idea and fantasy of having a loving and supportive family. But every time I think about them now, it just stirs up hurt all over again and makes me feel angry and sad all over again (like I'm going back in time and de-fooing all over again).

 

Thoughts?

Here's an interesting way to make some progress here.

 

Check out this Inventory of Needs

 

Which of those needs would you say you're trying to meet when you go searching for information on the family?

[Kevin Beal]

But every time I think about them now, it just stirs up hurt all over again and makes me feel angry and sad all over again (like I'm going back in time and de-fooing all over again).

 

Thoughts?

 

That may be a very useful thing to do: feel the hurt and anger and sadness. It may even be the reason your unconscious is reminding you about them.

 

I get overwhelmed by intense feelings even after years of therapy and my tendency is to want to stop feeling and dissociate. But if you can feel grounded enough I would suggest sticking with those feelings and exploring them some more.

 

If you aren't in therapy, I would highly suggest that you give it a shot.

[cherapple]

I would say that you continue to think about your family because of the lack of resolution to the conflict. When I have conflicts that I can't resolve — either because I no longer want to talk to the person in the situation, or because every time I try to talk to them, emotions escalate — the conversations that I don't (or can't) have often continue in my head, sometimes for years. The not-present person becomes "a voice in my head that just won't shut up." The conversation repeats and goes in circles like a broken record, raising over and over all the anxiety and anger that I felt with the person, but couldn't effectively express. It can be pretty maddening. Is the problem with thinking about your family anything like that?

 

What I've learned to do is journal the conversation. I find it easier to break the repetition when I write it down and make it in some way tangible. I engage with the person in my imagination, saying all the rational things and expressing all the feelings that I either am not able, or wasn't able, to get across to the actual person. It's kind a role play with the voice in my head, where I play myself as I'd like to be in the conversation (calm, curious, rational), and I engage in my imagination with the person who has inflicted their irrationality on me. As I grow more skilled in have self-conversations that involve curiosity and rationality, the voices themselves become more relaxed and rational, even if the people themselves never do. 

 

Does that make sense? See the "You Are Not Alone" podcast, Internal Family Systems therapy, and any mecosystem or role-play podcasts here that you can find in a search on those words. If you need links or references, I'll provide some.