trout007 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Has anyone made a change to peaceful parenting? At what age were your children? Can you give some insight on how things changed and how long it took for your children to change?
LovePrevails Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Hi thank you for raising this question, I very much looking forwards to hearing our communities response to you you can find a channel on this subect here www.youtube.com/theprogressiveparent
Ruben Zandstra Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Hi Trout, We started to rethink our parenting about four years ago, when our 3 children were about 4, 2 and 0 years old. Before that we didn't hit our children, but voluntaryism was not on our agenda consciously. It's hard coming up with things that have changed since and how long it took. It's mainly me and my wife that have changed I tend to think. In fact I think our lives have become more or less uneventfull in the realm of behavioural change you are aiming at: It's just that our lives have been relatively unharmed by the accumulating effects of parental force. To see short-term change, it's probably best to just look at families all over the place where spanking, neglect and humiliation is occurring. I think that's where children have to adopt emergency strategies, and where the dramatic changes take place. How about you?
GeetarJake Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 The real problem for me has been getting my wife to change her perspective and parenting style. We've managed to remove spanking from our parenting as of this year, but getting her to remove emotional and verbal abuse is not easy, and ultimately is not something I'll be able to do. Watching her and her mother deal with issues, and having known her father, I can see why she has this approach to parenting... My boys(7 and 4) are doing pretty well with more peaceful methods of parenting so far, the younger of the two especially. He's really coming around, but his brother will take much more time and a lot of work with mom. Younger brother has always been very empathetic, and considerate of other people's emotional needs. That's not always the case with property, but we're working on that =). He reacts much better to peaceful and rational parenting, and I'm sure that's especially the case being that we started it at a much younger age with him, compared to his brother. Also, I get more one on one time with him while his older brother is in statist slave training during the day time, which of course helps us bond and create better channels for communication. Older brother has taken on much of mom's behaviors towards conflict resolution, which means that most of his conflicts involve lots of shouting, aggression, and passing around of blame. Working through this, with both him and mom, is incredibly difficult and usually ends up with stern looks and harsh words from mom, but I feel I must do the best that I can to help them communicate more effectively when conflict arises. He's very curious and loving, and I can tell that he's willing to learn and has no real desire to be evil or immoral, so I'm hopeful that with lots of work, we'll all be able to live much happier lives in the long run, by putting forth the effort necessary now.
Bardan Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Jake, ...but getting her to remove emotional and verbal abuse is not easy, and ultimately is not something I'll be able to do... Run that one by me again? I'm hearing that your wife will not be able to stop being abusive to the kids. That's a whole different proposition to saying that she wont be able to do it within 50 years or 10 or 1. Never? If that's true I don't know how you can stand it. To answer a bit of the first post, I think that making the switch takes forever in a way. What was taken can never be fully restored. It's a slow transition, it will confuse them for a long time and tax their impulse control. There is a certain amount of security and sanctuary that the children have found by knowing the rules at a preconscious level from babies on up and they will resist change, even for peace. I believe I heard it cited that every unit of time spent being treated badly needs double or triple measure of being treated well to counter it. So if you're thinking of doing this better suit up and get started at once with both parents on board and as living proof. That's what we did (ages 7 and 9 at that time) it is more powerful in terms of results than abuse ever could be.
tasmlab Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Can anyone point me to like "the six things you do or don't do in peaceful parenting?" I've heard Stef talk about it for 700 podcasts but never quite hear the specifics of what it entails. From what I can gather: no violence; honesty; respect; no humiliation; no verbal abuse; recognizing personhood; negotiating vs. punishment; no punishment; no threats of abandonment Is there more to it?
Bardan Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 In your picture it looks like you're a maypole for three children there, Tasmlab, so you're playing for keeps thinking about this. I'm hearing that for c.700 podcasts talking about peaceful parenting the specifics of peaceful parenting have escaped you. And that statement just about flew by me and I was going to start answering your question in detail before it hit me again like a wet fish to the side of my head. That many podcasts on the subject under your belt but me and my keyboard are going to make the penny drop? I don't think so. I think that the reason you're not absorbing more of it and asking if there is more is because you have some resistance to the idea. So to answer your request must first involve talking about that part. I think part of the 'how' you resist is by reducing the idea down to a laundry list of 6 things or so whereas it's actually not a code of intellectual rules.Was that reasonable?
tasmlab Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Hi Bardan, Yea, I've got some skin in the game here! Daughters age 2 and 8 and a five year old boy, all whom I love more than anything. I'm not sure I'd say I'm resisting. I didn't mean to attempt to trivialize or over-simplify the concepts in order to dismiss them. And we're implementing actively nearly everything I've gleaned, with a few exceptions/lapses that have been more situational than fundamental. So I feel like I'm trying to push PP forward in my family by learning more, not resisting. Through the podcasts Stef has made the CASE for peaceful parenting stunningly clear, and he repeats it nicely in the book draft on the donors' board. He doesn't though really give specific prescriptions for what to do, only that it is needed. The list I provide in my post above is what I pulled out and it may be complete. Maybe it's not a code of intellectual rules like the ten commandments but examples of behavior that are specific. If the philosophy behind peaceful parenting is true and easy to understand (I think it is), then some of the sample behaviors and outcomes should be fairly easy to list and probably be applicable to everyone. Hence a synoptic list of some dos and don'ts. His talks on UPB are similar; lots of case building, a lot of talk on their attributes (universal, etc.) but never a list of example UPBs beyond 'don't kill, don't steal, don't rape' (note: I haven't read the book yet). Let me know what you think. Thanks!
Bardan Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 What do I think. I think I just got hit with a wet fish twice over for nearly falling for it this time! Oh, I could be wrong. I'm new at being a smarty pants. Your synoptic and specifical list seems to match up with someone trying to intellectualise and take refuge in the technical. Yet, here you are at the same time doing the opposite of taking refuge and hiding your attitudes by posting them in a place where they're likely to be called. That's my opinion. And of this too I don't think I can convince you on here but if you'd like to talk in skype to me or to somebody more skillful with the same impression then I'd really enjoy hearing what you would have to say. What do you think of that?
tasmlab Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Hi, sorry for the fish slapping I guess. You needn't feel tasked with my request. I'll google it elsewhere, write my own, or wait for Stef's book. Or maybe I'll draft a starter and post a thread for review. I appreciate your analysis of my request, but it doesn't feel like what I'm looking for. Thanks!
Bardan Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Well you're welcome and sorry for not hitting the right note. Maybe if it turns out you're reliving Moby Dick as I suspect you will come back to this branch of the puzzle and pick it up again from here. Be interesting to see. Good luck out there.
Chris Laforest Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Tasmlab; I think what Bardan is saying regarding your question makes a lot of sense, but it's highly subjective. I think you'll benefit a great deal from really pondering what Bardan is saying. But on the objective side, I just have some question that jumped out to me as really obvious while reading your post. Most interesting to me is that I think your list is quite comprehensive; though I think we could reduce it, simply, to respect.I don't understand what you're having trouble with. For me, as soon as the concept of having respect for children was rightly communicated to me (I can't remember how or when); I was convinced in such a fundamental manner that I understood the very simple nature of the concept; which is to have a basic respect for children. You surely do notice how differently children react to being treated with genuine and honest respect, right? I'm not sure there is much more to it than that; other than going through all of theoretical proofs and empirical tests. What is it that you need to have better clarified?
Gnostiphile Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Apparently Dayna Martin does consultations with parents who are interested in learning more about peaceful parenting/unschooling. Of course there's always the Sunday show you can call in to. If you have specific situations in mind that you are wondering how to handle, you can post them here and hopefully someone can help you out. Best of luck, tasmlab.
tasmlab Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Hi Guys, Thanks for your posts. I feel like your overstating my confusion or resistance to the topic. I get the top-line premise. Again, I was more looking at the ticky-tacky day-to-day behaviors that I could benchmark against. Discussions on things like having bed times, limiting candy consumption, denying unreasonable requests for new toys, changing rude behavior, setting limits on video game time, encouraging sharing, putting on sun screen, doing chores, doing homework and such that are much more tactical than just understanding 'respect' and not being abusive. My first post was likely poorly written to my intent. And this board delights in finding deeper meanings in every conversation.
Gnostiphile Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Hi Guys, Thanks for your posts. I feel like your overstating my confusion or resistance to the topic. I get the top-line premise. Again, I was more looking at the ticky-tacky day-to-day behaviors that I could benchmark against. Discussions on things like having bed times, limiting candy consumption, denying unreasonable requests for new toys, changing rude behavior, setting limits on video game time, encouraging sharing, putting on sun screen, doing chores, doing homework and such that are much more tactical than just understanding 'respect' and not being abusive. My first post was likely poorly written to my intent. And this board delights in finding deeper meanings in every conversation. There is an FDR feed in itunes called Philosophical Parenting - The Series From Freedomain Radio. The issues you listed are covered throughout those podcasts. I suggest at least listening to the ones with Dayna Martin. I think you will realize that the things you listed are indeed issues of respect. Have a listen and let us know what you think!
tasmlab Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 I Gnostiphile, I agree that they are issues of respect. I'll check out the podcasts. Thanks!
Bardan Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 And this board delights in finding deeper meanings in every conversation. Me? Huh! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji1SmtvQUcM
Ashton Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 trout007, on 08 Sept 2013 - 6:36 PM, said: Has anyone made a change to peaceful parenting? At what age were your children? Can you give some insight on how things changed and how long it took for your children to change?I'm 30 with a wife and 2 kids. (Lewis who is 3 and Alice who is 9 weeks).We started 'Peaceful parenting' (PP for short) after watching Bomb in the Brain series by Stef. We are not perfect at it, but we are trying. I was all ready and set for spanking and yelling until that series taught me otherwise.A lot of people here i suspect wont tell you how difficult it actually is emotionally at times, i guess its seen as a weakness to talk about them. But for me and my wife sometimes we struggle when we have a lot of external life issues that pile ontop of looking after the children. For a short example, driving in the car at the moment is a nightmare, our son is pretty well behaved but our daughter just screams in the car for the entire journey, then our son decides to try and talk but louder, my wife is trying to deal with the children while i drive and at times it can get extremely testing.People think PP and assume it'll be 'Peaceful', while it is 60-70% of the time, the rest its just the same as if you were not PP'ingMy kids have grown up with it, so i can't provide you any insight onto how they have changed, but i can tell you its not all glamorous as portrayed by some.
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